To have text to ponder on a walk. Rather hard today. My visitors left today, were gone most of yesterday. The contrast between us was a bit hard for me, but perhaps it was the weather, grandma's fretting--can't have couchsurfers here--she likes to worry; they give her more. Or just my own fretting, caring, mom-like-ness.
Well! Good that I'm at the point of writing. Was feeling so trapped. But am now working on the character references again. I made progress sewing--am now ready to sew the pants legs together.
The biggest oddness and hurt, probably, self-afflicted. Two days ago, I believe, stopped by L's and other suitor Tom was there, a good guy, could not help loving him for loving her, sharing a wrap (cucumber, middle east; goat cheese; other greens + mango cubed) she made. So, that was fine.
Affected by my visitors perhaps, who live in collective houses (residents have shared goals, projects, spaces), being left to myself by them, got to considering on my walk. At any event, managed to ask L if she thought it would be good if we made more of a commitment to each other--'spending more time together' was a way she interpreted it.
She was encouraging. It was a rather intensely focusing full of a sense of meaning interaction. Here's a visual memory of it, played with:
A clock stopped at 5:05:45 on a light green green yellow wall.
---
Well. From my memory--now that I recall--any conversation or thought like that is a sure way to knot myself. Start to think the thing serious, try to see how I could be a serious male partner--well that's the end of any complacency I had.
So now what? Well, a walk, then a visit.
This dead end. Possibilities: a visit to HueHueacoytl(sp?) ecoaldea to the south. Don't feel like setting off wandering again in cold, rain, dark.
I feel the future challenge is to make a commitment to a collective of people perhaps. Will be looking out for this. Not sure what my role with L can be[/should be/will be--without the 'should']. Even thought of running goats in canyons. As it is---
[I feel like the filipina homehealthcare woman who couldn't say what help she needed, but someone managed to come up with an action she found helpful.
What help would I value that I am clueless how to ask for or find?]
I seem to have a general sanguinity. How do I mess it up? Social comparison with visitors (unintentional)/ experience of difference/ otherness?
That was the main event.
Peace & creative love,
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