2009-07-19-1013 What can I say? I'm still alive. Got a new watch battery for my $5 ironman (off ebay yrs ago) -$2.16. They let me use an eyeglass kit screwdriver to open/close the watch--the UCSB bookstore. Batteries cheaper there than anywhere. I am attached to the watch. Have never had one last and remain unlost for so long.
Did laundry (-$3). Called mom, dad, partly cause called Eric, who may walk Ojai -> QS starting tomorrow.
I could tell you what I ate. But I have yet to return to an OA/EDA mtg since Sequoia NP. I'm just doing what I do.
Went to two dance rehearsals. Hey I found a kite surfing board (my first walk out east beach bluffs) & returned it by calling a number on it. And today gave a cell phone to the cashier at the IV coop. Found under swing on Pardall.
So--got two letters from G. Ann. Downloaded paperwork from NAL job.
I volunteered a week with WYP, camping all the while. More riding in cars than in decades (since 1994). I've yet to be dismissed. I'm making a contribution and helpful. I still do some graceless things / am not perfect.
It (volunteering w/ WYP), so far, helps build confidence for doing the NAL work. But WYP is likely more tolerant / less conventional than NAL.
--
I've got ebooks (Mostly from gutenberg.org) on the cell phone. Clié was retired since solio not working, but phone is fine--until winter's long nights maybe (full charge = 3 to 4 days daytime reading!!--no way (?) to turn off backlight and keyboard lighting which come on at night, but good to have to sleep then). MobiReader does well with html files (imageless, in general). Was reading _The Idiot_ by Dostoyevsky because Rbec mentioned it when I spoke to her about Ayn Rand--Rbec said it was not a positive book, perhaps like _Atlas Shrugged_.
Still have yet to finish that and (it) might be good to read that book on normal eating.
--
Have uploaded more photos, but still keeping everything locked down.
So not much motive to pay the $0.25 to post.
--
Laurel, one of the instructors I worked with--not in my group.
--
Monica on the bus. The capoeira ista. Other dancers. Chelsie. Erin. Crystal. Silas. Kate. ? My own body. Health, teeth, gums. OralBreeze.
The 24x SB->UCSB. Spanish from Spain. Holland. Ireland. São Paulo (sp?) Brasil. Victoria's Secret. Brown eyes. Thy. Asking, Italian. To study English.
--
"Hey-- that looks like smoke. . ."
--
So, what do you have to tell me.
--
The business of reproduction.
Creative modification.
Portable gas chambers: old cars, rvs.
--
Dominique, Dan, Warren, Jessica, Gifts From Girls (eggs), Erica, Dave, Sage, NickiAnn, Lesley, Andrew. Luca, Shaw, Dylan, Ainsley, Megan, Hannah, Jack, Jacob, Max, Micah (eye), Cody (!). Tree Frogs. Crayfish. Minnows. Ainsley's Springtail. Carlos' (?)--10 legs, inch long, antennae as long as body. Knives, tracks, bows and arrows, split willow, poison oak, peeing, pooping, swimming. Mud fight. Bow fire. Flaking. First aid. And? Sunscreen, food, eating. Turtle. Dead. Logs. Fire. Drinking water. Games. Car music. . . "I'm grateful for the whole wide world!" "Darn you! Say something specific." Soccer. Cashews. Butter. Cream cheese. Cans. Eziekel bread / sprouted grain. Figs. Farm. Farmers market. Rocky nook. Don't live anywhere. Red okra. Dolphin. Dead seal. Frozen. Kelley. Gum. Humptydumpty. Dreams. Rest. Not wanting to walk. Public urination. Open fires. Shade. Beach. DoGooders. Stories. Open casket. Pokemon. Body surf. Coaching. Tully. Sebastian. Love. MJ. East Beach homeless memorial. Slovokian cyclist. Count of monte cristo. Dan fontaine "Colin, I have something in my pocket for you." Shaka. Money. Rusty's pizza(?). Obama healthcare sermon. Friendly homeless lady, "how are you?" And what should we do about our grandparents who watch so much TV? do ants sleep? Apocrypha, young Jesus' words struck them dead. Proto-masculine behavior. Pitcher. Luca woven. Photos. Let me go. Jumping. Algae. Hawk. Hook. Kate. Let me go. Fly. Sky like the roof of a tent.
2009-07-06-1800 Ayn Rand (~Eye Dollar) and Bill W./Dr. Bob (AA cofounders), their work, their contrast.
Life now carries me: volunteer for WYP.org the last three weeks of this month. Then possibly walk to QS. And NAL job begins 8/24.
2009-07-02-0600 33 and as directionless as 0.
2009-07-01-0901 Dreams. Champa C, good food. Among giant sequoias. Thy will. Teeth cleaning. Future planning. A bit of sitting.
Was desiring to be more with people. Was persisting in questioning custom by which some people spend time together. In forest solo once more (vs. on sailboat, for example). Thy will.
From the AA Big Book, a focus on submitting own will to higher power, to stop trying to be the director of life. Instead, ask to serve higher power, know what occurs is the will of life. Identify one's resentments, if any, and seek to no longer resent--
Use as mantra / prayer / mental focus phrases such as:
Thy will be done.
Thy will, not mine, be done.
May I serve others. May I think of others.
Am I right now [ / was that action ] focused on self or others?
(Self-focus and resentments seem to exacerbate addictive, diseased, mal-functioning behavior.)
"Thy will be done" seems to be the root prayer or thought, though--"Thy" signifying God, Way of Life, Dao--because often self-care and self-enjoying, nourishing behavior is willed by higher power.
--
So that is all--Thy will be done.
And that has been helping me recently more than meditative or mindfulness practices to settle a fretting mind and to live and act with more peace.
And still to consider more: step four, "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
What are my faults? How have I / do I wrong others and self? What rationalizations / resentments have I (made) to overlook or avoid addressing these? Consider starting with the seven (deadly?) sins.
Recent effects:
Think of Lesley (trip organizer), grandma, mom, dad, Rebecca, rather than self. How can I serve? With Lesley: perhaps be sure to have bear canister while with her instead of going without, for example. Do not make things more difficult for her. For the others: write letters while out here.
And do I stay out here until Lesley comes? Champa C's veggies, fruit, eggs, sandwiches help me be more content, not seeking to leave (perhaps I'd visit Monterey). And the sequoias, and getting to lower, warmer, tree-happy locations. Next: Lodgepole store. . . tomorrow or next day.
twnmbd
And what is my will anyway? I do not know it, have not known it (evidence: these posts?), and that is where the AA book has helped. Stop fretting about trying to direct. (In at least some important areas) You haven't been doing well (evidence: your compulsive drinking, eating, drug use, [your problem here], etc.).
And besides all that, the style and datedness of the text is compelling.
And I'm unable to finish _Atlas Shrugged_ because the Solio charger is malfunctioning (I can no longer charge my Palm Clié, but I had put a copy of the AA texts on my cell phone too, which [the texts] I read with MobiReader, which [the cell phone, a Nokia E62,] I have a light-weight wall charger for and which was the last thing successfully charged by the Solio, the day I binged on Ayn Rand, and which I was able to charge a bit more from an outlet on the porch at SilverCityResort.com yesterday).
And that text [, _Atlas Shrugged_,] may be part unhelpful to me, watering certain harmful seeds among some good ones. For example: the text elaborates that there is nothing more sorry than a person without a purpose, without--as far as I've read--presenting how one gains purpose. Perhaps the prevailing moral code [Or that of one's parents and friends. But a sister and brother go opposite ways, so it appears to be genetic.] and resulting government structure influence whether people develop a will to achieve and create [a will to produce] (and consume) vs. a will to loot and to live off achievements of others (and consume).
[_The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_, which I listened to a bit of while walking the Rattlesnake Creek dirt bike trail--hot, dusty, and recently burnt(?), with sparse trees perhaps hard-hit by the pine-borer beetle or grub--, had a bit to say about that too: For many years the Empire was able to continue to expand and soldiers could be rewarded with land, slaves, and some level of citizenship. Gibbon also mentioned that many of the rich created grand public works--such as baths and aqueducts--of use to the common citizen, and these works were privately funded (meaning 'directed by one person'?). Well, I suppose today we can say the iPhone is privately funded, though Central Park is only partly so.]
And, today, my [up to this point] hesitance to produce [and to participate]. . . (Well, that was leading to some thought related to how today's [yesterday's?] system, Rand's system[?], is also based in infinite and perhaps self- & ecologically- destructive expansion--but this may be a resentment and a rationalization. . .
Life is[?] infinite expansion, in the right ways, and the current expansion may be headed to some synthesis of Rand capitalist/libertarian production, permaculture, and Bill McDonough cradle-to-cradle -style manufacturing, among many other endeavors, explorations, and areas of expansion.)
[--]
I resented for a while that the Solio stopped working and that, after a day of avoiding walking by enjoying reading Rand, I could not continue the reading binge and had to walk on. . .
2009-06-26-1445 [Resenting mind, body I do not know how to use.
"Do not think." do not use the mind.] Along Rattlesnake Creek / 33E19 / 33E22, perhaps near where Beach Creek comes in, maybe 7 miles from the Kern River / Golden Trout Wilderness.
Been on the trail 4 nights, after a night in Bakersfield, also along the Kern.
Was reading Alcoholic Anonymous' _Big Book_.
I did not get the teaching sailing job, mainly because I blabbed too much about not living in a house to the instructor of my 101 class and he told others.
But consider: no Lifeguard class, no sailing job; without planned sailing job, may have got UCSB lifeguard job, and then may have missed family vacation (San Diego to SLO, SD Fair, Old Globe play, Getty villa, wedding). Losing sailing job, now I'm here. I have place, time to heal. To eat less (to practice eating for nutrition rather than for entertainment and other reasons). To study. To get in shape. I believe also I'll get to volunteer for two weeks with WYP, July 20-31. I may also get to meet Lesley near Florence Lake 7/13-15 and walk that week with her.
Reading AA's _Big Book_: a big focus on submission to higher power. In many ways the book nails / zeros in on my dilemma. (How do I live?)
It mentions listing resentments as being part of one of the steps (the moral inventory?), and then looking at those resentments to see how one could do better, or: excusing the object of resentment because it is sick / damaged as one has already admitted one is.
Perhaps not exactly right, but we can reread (it's free for Palm at Memoware, $1 for IPhone at ITunes).
Resentment does seem central to my escape from life / harmful use of food. I resent that the world in which most people consider life or action as taking place is not beautiful.
It is something to be tolerated. And it barely tolerates me, I feel, at times.
But here is a home for me. My submission to the way of life, to my higher power, took me here.
And how do I decide? When I feel conflicted, I step back, no need, really, to decide. Way of Life will soon be clear.
---
So, after losing that last job, I've locked down more of my online presence--this blog (locked earlier), photos, etc. Twitter still is public. I'm nearly about to experience life with no money (except $200/mo for food). 8/24 paid training for my next job may start, ojala (way-of-life willing).
--
Also was reading Rand _Atlas Shrugged_ again.
--
So I pray that God will use me. Pray to be used by the way of life. "May I serve life." "Life act through me."
--
Below is the only other thing I've written from 20 days ago.
2009-06-06-1930 On a hillside, head in mosquito net. I visited Kate today, she gave me a hug. So changing of life is that? I've been to Three different Overeaters Anonymous meetings since last Tuesday. And telling you that, if you know my last name may not be following their principles.
I went to Wilderness Youth Project volunteer initiation. Valuable. Jess told a story about all of creation getting their missions (whom to eat, who to run from, and so on). Except the human. Something eventually whispered to that lost soul: "psst! You're here to enjoy it all!"
We played zookeeper tag. The body harm I'd done to self apparent, We walked through an area looking for things Julian(?) got from along the way ahead of time which we'd got to glimpse for 10 seconds before the walk. Before that we'd done a sense meditation, led by Jess, checking in, eyes closed, with each of our senses. Are your eyes shaded? How do they feel? One differ than other? Does light you sense change? Sound. Smell. Can you smell yourself? Inhale. Can you smell that we're in an area that has burned? Skofield Park--once owned by the Rancheros Visitadores. Showers, grilles, water. . .
Rain the next morning. Casa Franchesi / Franchesi (sp?) Park. More open space. Meeting for sb sail center youth camp intructors.
The last night I spent near UCSB was Monday? I now have an SB-downtown-proximal spot/home. Beautiful.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
w/out dream
Caught by any little thing.
what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.
I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.
I did not read much.
I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.
I volunteered with WYP.
I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.
I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.
So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.
Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.
But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.
I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.
I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.
[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.
She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.
That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?
What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?
(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.
The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]
[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]
I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?
A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.
A new spot.
This is for Kurt, who emailed?
We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."
What should manage it?
No answers here.
What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?
I've narrowed life down.
The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.
I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.
So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?
Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.
Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.
We read and write for joy.
Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .
Hi _______________ !
So many . . .
So much . . .
---
That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?
a breath and a smile.
----------------
from ~0830 this morning:
Asunto: to live without dreams
Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.
Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.
My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.
No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.
what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.
I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.
I did not read much.
I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.
I volunteered with WYP.
I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.
I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.
So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.
Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.
But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.
I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.
I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.
[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.
She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.
That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?
What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?
(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.
The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]
[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]
I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?
A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.
A new spot.
This is for Kurt, who emailed?
We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."
What should manage it?
No answers here.
What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?
I've narrowed life down.
The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.
I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.
So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?
Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.
Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.
We read and write for joy.
Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .
Hi _______________ !
So many . . .
So much . . .
---
That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?
a breath and a smile.
----------------
from ~0830 this morning:
Asunto: to live without dreams
Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.
Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.
My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.
No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
? [silent]
I applied for several jobs and have interviews for two. I'm pretty silent.
The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.
I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.
Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.
2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?
I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.
---
I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:
Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try
We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.
"A great opportunity for the right person."
The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).
I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.
Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.
---
By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.
What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).
But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .
Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).
Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."
---
Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.
I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.
And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.
---
So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.
On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.
After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.
So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.
So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.
The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.
I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).
I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--
So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.
I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).
And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.
(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)
It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--
And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.
However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.
And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?
The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.
And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.
I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.
A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.
One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.
---
Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--
I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.
Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.
Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.
So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.
My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.
Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).
And time in limbo--what now?
And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?
[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]
Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.
---
I do want to swim, to be clean--
9 hrs volunteer work left.
Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?
I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.
---
Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).
And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.
Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?
Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.
---
But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.
---
A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.
Wash clothes at some point. Today?
Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?
There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)
---
Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?
friends and efforts to meet them
any more needed than this? Desired?
grey here, cool.
silent mind
---
[a breath and a smile,]
The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.
I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.
Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.
2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?
I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.
---
I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:
Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try
We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.
"A great opportunity for the right person."
The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).
I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.
Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.
---
By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.
What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).
But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .
Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).
Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."
---
Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.
I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.
And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.
---
So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.
On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.
After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.
So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.
So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.
The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.
I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).
I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--
So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.
I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).
And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.
(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)
It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--
And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.
However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.
And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?
The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.
And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.
I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.
A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.
One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.
---
Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--
I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.
Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.
Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.
So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.
My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.
Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).
And time in limbo--what now?
And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?
[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]
Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.
---
I do want to swim, to be clean--
9 hrs volunteer work left.
Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?
I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.
---
Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).
And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.
Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?
Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.
---
But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.
---
A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.
Wash clothes at some point. Today?
Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?
There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)
---
Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?
friends and efforts to meet them
any more needed than this? Desired?
grey here, cool.
silent mind
---
[a breath and a smile,]
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
moving in; relation
2009-05-15-2009
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:
Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117
I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.
---
That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?
Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.
The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).
I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.
And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).
And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.
I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].
Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.
I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.
I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.
---
Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).
I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.
A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.
I feel it at least.
I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.
Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.
[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]
---
Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?
Everyone else is running around and we are not?
We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?
Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).
---
Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.
A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.
Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .
The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?
SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org
So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.
And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.
What would I do with myself?
We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)
What would I do?
The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.
I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.
We'll see.
But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.
You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)
What do you do?
A breath and a smile.
---
Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:
---
Asunto: omg
2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful
Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?
Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?
"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]
--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.
"Ho," says he.
"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"
"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"
"I'll just be wanting it,"
Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .
"What do you say, Isak?"
"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."
---
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:
Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117
I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.
---
That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?
Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.
The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).
I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.
And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).
And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.
I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].
Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.
I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.
I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.
---
Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).
I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.
A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.
I feel it at least.
I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.
Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.
[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]
---
Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?
Everyone else is running around and we are not?
We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?
Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).
---
Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.
A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.
Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .
The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?
SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org
So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.
And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.
What would I do with myself?
We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)
What would I do?
The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.
I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.
We'll see.
But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.
You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)
What do you do?
A breath and a smile.
---
Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:
---
Asunto: omg
2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful
Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?
Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?
"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]
--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.
"Ho," says he.
"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"
"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"
"I'll just be wanting it,"
Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .
"What do you say, Isak?"
"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."
---
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Photos up!
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| 2009-04-12: twelve-day forest trip; SB discoveries (sbfoodnotlawns, kiosk, etc) |
 |
| 2009-04-22 6 days LPNF, return to SD, Loss of cable for charging! Loss of entertainment. |
 |
| 2009-04-25 San Diego, Garden, Court |
 |
| 2009-04-28 San Diego, Point Loma to Acorn and Seminole walk |
 |
| 2009-05-07 SD to Deer Park Monastery to Santa Barbara |
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
$;M'sday;introspection;>breath;adventure
2009-05-06-1027 To be plain about my motivation: the only cash-accumulating I do with little effort or effortful commitment is, potentially, that which occurs by me writing here. We are not supposed to discuss this phenomenon in certain ways.
So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.
I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.
And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)
I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.
Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--
Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--
What is life without entertainment?
What is life but entertainment?
2009-05-06-0937
Dear Mom:
Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).
The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.
I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--
I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,
---
I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.
It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.
I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.
I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--
I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.
My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.
Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.
I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--
Probably 1st the volunteer work.
Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.
That sounds like a good plan!
Is this the evolution of frugality?
Avoidance of any commitment?
It is a beautiful day here--
And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]
So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--
Love,
Colin
A breath and a smile
---------------end letter------------
Asunto: Introspection
2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.
Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?
And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.
Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.
A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.
A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.
---
A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--
Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--
I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.
For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.
Does life ask?
----------------end Introspection-------------
Asunto: more than breathe & smile
2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.
Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.
She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--
She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.
I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.
But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?
At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.
And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).
Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.
She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.
So Tina, Mirror--
And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."
And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:
Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML
---
It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?
I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.
Jen and
[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.
Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.
And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?
And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--
is dad ashamed of me?
am I rejected by dennis?
seen as worth less?"
and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.
---
So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?
A breath and a smile,]
-----------
Asunto: In search of adventure
There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--
About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--
But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.
So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.
Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.
---
Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.
At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.
And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.
how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?
(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)
and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .
---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:
"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."
development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?
sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."
and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.
To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).
the wind has returned.
This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--
1335
So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.
I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.
And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)
I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.
Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--
Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--
What is life without entertainment?
What is life but entertainment?
2009-05-06-0937
Dear Mom:
Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).
The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.
I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--
I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,
---
I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.
It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.
I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.
I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--
I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.
My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.
Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.
I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--
Probably 1st the volunteer work.
Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.
That sounds like a good plan!
Is this the evolution of frugality?
Avoidance of any commitment?
It is a beautiful day here--
And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]
So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--
Love,
Colin
A breath and a smile
---------------end letter------------
Asunto: Introspection
2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.
Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?
And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.
Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.
A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.
A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.
---
A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--
Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--
I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.
For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.
Does life ask?
----------------end Introspection-------------
Asunto: more than breathe & smile
2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.
Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.
She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--
She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.
I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.
But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?
At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.
And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).
Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.
She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.
So Tina, Mirror--
And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."
And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:
Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML
---
It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?
I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.
Jen and
[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.
Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.
And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?
And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--
is dad ashamed of me?
am I rejected by dennis?
seen as worth less?"
and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.
---
So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?
A breath and a smile,]
-----------
Asunto: In search of adventure
There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--
About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--
But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.
So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.
Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.
---
Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.
At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.
And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.
how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?
(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)
and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .
---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:
"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."
development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?
sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."
and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.
To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).
the wind has returned.
This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--
1335
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Rut; *Shared* vision; Without entertainment, what-- ?
[This is written at Grandma Ann's house in San Diego. I took the 0640 train back from Santa Barbara yesterday (-$33, -$2.50).]
A list of things to do before I leave.
Plan is to go to court on Friday. See if I can do something other than pay $381. Doing so will cost $2+$2+$8+$2.5+$2+a day maybe--until they tell me the new penalty--if there is a different one possible. Legal Aid in San Diego was helpful. They said if you plead guilty to a misdemeanor, infraction, felony--all those are criminal offenses (when applying for jobs they often ask about these).
Friday night, visit Point Loma grandparents.
Saturday?
Sunday? could go to World Beat Sangha. Not sure-- [have sort of lost that sangha love I felt before; just have Santa Barbara-ish love now.]
Monday?
. . .
Wednesday: catch the 0610am train to Santa Barbara! (-$33, -$2.50)
---
Begged David from the sangha for the ride to Escondido--
Begged a guy on the train for his paper.
Recognizing need (?) for entertainment. . . [could I talk to people?]
---
***Some time after posting that last post--
--near the top of Angostura Pass--
--I lost the cable that lets me charge my cell phone and palm/clié/pda.--
[so I type this on my old sony vaio subnotebook with fan, drive noise, laying on my back--a pulsing bass, ding from apts out back.]***
---
The next morning I noted it missing. I walked all the way back up (6-7mi rt) after hanging my pack from a line over a branch. Did not find the cable.
So I had a week+'s worth of food, but only one partial charge on my ebook reader.
---
Long ago I figured there would be a break in the [technomadic] technology at some point. [de-tech-ed]
---
I stuck it out for a little while.
---
But still, I came back (at least two+ days) before I had run out of food.
---
I did take some time to be visionary. To practice self-inquiry rather than self-escape.
---
[From the notepad:
Culture comes from energy use.
Mood, etc., from ~ (mood, state) of organisms eaten. (had eaten a wild snake).
Divine, how can I use my mind constructive?
use form, create space,
space that was right in front of noses, unseen.
]
I got to contemplating an old writing of mine, "Ten Steps to a New Vision." (because it mentions spending "40 days and nights at our desert retreat center"; because it was from a time when I was willingly visionary--when I was engaging in, not avoiding, creative thought. )
I considered that "developing a vision" wasn't the best pointer--I needed to develop a shared vision. . . (otherwise I could just be insane perhaps).
How do I develop a shared vision?
By sharing others' visions.
Whose visions can I share?
-----
[Here begins the initial attempt at writing about the visioning forced on me by lack of entertainment. The part above is a later attempt begun after realizing I'd left some parts out in what follows.]
First I thought a bit about my last post. And the Los Padres Walkers idea.
Do I really want to have others to walk with?
If I do--with whom would others want to walk? Not a whiner.
They, I ask of people with whom they are considering spending time:
- Is s/he content?
- Does s/he stay still?
- Does s/he have a vision I can share?
- Does this relate to a developmental path? [at Quail Springs: build house, grow food, make living; at Sunburst: spiritual path; mainstream society: money, career, family; academic paths; Tom Brown Jr's school and Grandfather: development of spiritual, nature awareness, caretaking ability.]
[(Are the following qualities important: is s/he) compassionate? loving? thoughtful?]
---
Develop own developmental path. . .
Many existing developmental paths:
increase in development corresponds to increase in consumption.
[e.g.: developmental paths of achieving wealth, status, fame, power.]
how to have a developmental progression that corresponds to increase in service -- service to others (enabling them to consume less?) [is consumption inherently a problem or just the type of --- ?]
[the writing went like this:
most ↑ devel ↑ consumption
how to ↑ devel ↑ serve
how serve?
serve to ↓ consumpt?
Don't know]
---
That was basically it.
I also added "perhaps sit together once or twice per day" to the 'shared spiritual path' of Los Padres Walkers. I changed 'decision making' to: "by consensus (by elders in case of emergency)".
---
I did mentally compare myself when I was dreaming of organizing, leading, world-changing (as back in 1995 - 7, as with "the being group"), to now.
---
So here is the only plan I have in the world:
(1) The replacement part I need to charge cell phone should be here soon--Monday or Tuesday. (happily I had an extra cable here (San Diego) so I could charge the ebook reader. . . [and resume reading Arthur C. Clarke.])
(2) Return to Santa Barbara.
(3) Go to interview to see if I can get Food Stamps.
(4) Get address at UPS Store or other mail box place.
(5) Get new cell phone number in Santa Barbara (805) area code.
(6) Apply for jobs--One interested me: tutoring with Americorps. Also: attending people with developmental disabilities [the location is wonderful: an ocean- and marsh-surrounded peninsula on a large campus near UCSB with many abandoned buildings. . .]. Both are part time.
The Americorps job requires written references. I may not apply in that case.
I may want experience working with people with developmental disabilities. . . so I could later be a part of a Camphill Community.
Plus, With people With developmental disabilities, as opposed to non-developmentally disabled kids, I will be serving people who are emancipated.
I think you understand.
---
The main reason I can consider working in Santa Barbara: I can walk from beach to mountain trailhead in 1:15; there is plenty of open space for camping out even within the city; there are plenty of grilles with wood chip mulch nearby (fuel) for cooking; it is a nice place.
---
If I had a ton of money?
It would probably still be time to start working [in a new way]. (probably still would be camping out?)
I do not think I'm ready to endlessly wander the forest. I may avoid any commitment to a/that 3-week walk this summer.
---
So that's it.
---
The book[s] I got to reading this past trip was Arthur C. Clarke's
_2001: A Space Odyssey_, _2010: Odyssey Two_, _2061: Odyssey Three_, _3001: The Final Odyssey_.
"HAL" is one of those chilling/astonishing _Infinite Jest_ connections my mind came up with. . .
---
So why am I destitute without entertainment? I used to think I could deal with solitary imprisonment. . .
I could dance, meditate. . .
Sing. . .
[why can Clarke create this astonishing imaginary story while I must fall asleep for an engaging release from solitary forest existence [a dream]?]
---
There is a relational component of self, of mind. It is that fifth contemplation--"the sangha eye."
---
So, these words show a bit of where I'm.
---
Without entertainment, what--?
[that I left, briefly, the mindless habit energies of my 4602Seminole rut to spend time writing here. . . (~hope?)]
---
[To be fair: there had been a growing backlog of stuff to accomplish by returning here--one main goal: getting rid of some extra winter gear I'd been carrying: 3lb sleeping bag, umbrella, . . .]
A list of things to do before I leave.
- Wash various things.
- Contact LM
- Find W2s, etc.
- Deposit check
- H202
- Tooth brush
- Notepad
Plan is to go to court on Friday. See if I can do something other than pay $381. Doing so will cost $2+$2+$8+$2.5+$2+a day maybe--until they tell me the new penalty--if there is a different one possible. Legal Aid in San Diego was helpful. They said if you plead guilty to a misdemeanor, infraction, felony--all those are criminal offenses (when applying for jobs they often ask about these).
Friday night, visit Point Loma grandparents.
Saturday?
Sunday? could go to World Beat Sangha. Not sure-- [have sort of lost that sangha love I felt before; just have Santa Barbara-ish love now.]
Monday?
. . .
Wednesday: catch the 0610am train to Santa Barbara! (-$33, -$2.50)
---
Begged David from the sangha for the ride to Escondido--
Begged a guy on the train for his paper.
Recognizing need (?) for entertainment. . . [could I talk to people?]
---
***Some time after posting that last post--
--near the top of Angostura Pass--
--I lost the cable that lets me charge my cell phone and palm/clié/pda.--
[so I type this on my old sony vaio subnotebook with fan, drive noise, laying on my back--a pulsing bass, ding from apts out back.]***
---
The next morning I noted it missing. I walked all the way back up (6-7mi rt) after hanging my pack from a line over a branch. Did not find the cable.
So I had a week+'s worth of food, but only one partial charge on my ebook reader.
---
Long ago I figured there would be a break in the [technomadic] technology at some point. [de-tech-ed]
---
I stuck it out for a little while.
---
But still, I came back (at least two+ days) before I had run out of food.
---
I did take some time to be visionary. To practice self-inquiry rather than self-escape.
---
[From the notepad:
Culture comes from energy use.
Mood, etc., from ~ (mood, state) of organisms eaten. (had eaten a wild snake).
Divine, how can I use my mind constructive?
use form, create space,
space that was right in front of noses, unseen.
]
I got to contemplating an old writing of mine, "Ten Steps to a New Vision." (because it mentions spending "40 days and nights at our desert retreat center"; because it was from a time when I was willingly visionary--when I was engaging in, not avoiding, creative thought. )
I considered that "developing a vision" wasn't the best pointer--I needed to develop a shared vision. . . (otherwise I could just be insane perhaps).
How do I develop a shared vision?
By sharing others' visions.
Whose visions can I share?
-----
[Here begins the initial attempt at writing about the visioning forced on me by lack of entertainment. The part above is a later attempt begun after realizing I'd left some parts out in what follows.]
First I thought a bit about my last post. And the Los Padres Walkers idea.
Do I really want to have others to walk with?
If I do--with whom would others want to walk? Not a whiner.
They, I ask of people with whom they are considering spending time:
- Is s/he content?
- Does s/he stay still?
- Does s/he have a vision I can share?
- Does this relate to a developmental path? [at Quail Springs: build house, grow food, make living; at Sunburst: spiritual path; mainstream society: money, career, family; academic paths; Tom Brown Jr's school and Grandfather: development of spiritual, nature awareness, caretaking ability.]
[(Are the following qualities important: is s/he) compassionate? loving? thoughtful?]
---
Develop own developmental path. . .
Many existing developmental paths:
increase in development corresponds to increase in consumption.
[e.g.: developmental paths of achieving wealth, status, fame, power.]
how to have a developmental progression that corresponds to increase in service -- service to others (enabling them to consume less?) [is consumption inherently a problem or just the type of --- ?]
[the writing went like this:
most ↑ devel ↑ consumption
how to ↑ devel ↑ serve
how serve?
serve to ↓ consumpt?
Don't know]
---
That was basically it.
I also added "perhaps sit together once or twice per day" to the 'shared spiritual path' of Los Padres Walkers. I changed 'decision making' to: "by consensus (by elders in case of emergency)".
---
I did mentally compare myself when I was dreaming of organizing, leading, world-changing (as back in 1995 - 7, as with "the being group"), to now.
---
So here is the only plan I have in the world:
(1) The replacement part I need to charge cell phone should be here soon--Monday or Tuesday. (happily I had an extra cable here (San Diego) so I could charge the ebook reader. . . [and resume reading Arthur C. Clarke.])
(2) Return to Santa Barbara.
(3) Go to interview to see if I can get Food Stamps.
(4) Get address at UPS Store or other mail box place.
(5) Get new cell phone number in Santa Barbara (805) area code.
(6) Apply for jobs--One interested me: tutoring with Americorps. Also: attending people with developmental disabilities [the location is wonderful: an ocean- and marsh-surrounded peninsula on a large campus near UCSB with many abandoned buildings. . .]. Both are part time.
The Americorps job requires written references. I may not apply in that case.
I may want experience working with people with developmental disabilities. . . so I could later be a part of a Camphill Community.
Plus, With people With developmental disabilities, as opposed to non-developmentally disabled kids, I will be serving people who are emancipated.
I think you understand.
---
The main reason I can consider working in Santa Barbara: I can walk from beach to mountain trailhead in 1:15; there is plenty of open space for camping out even within the city; there are plenty of grilles with wood chip mulch nearby (fuel) for cooking; it is a nice place.
---
If I had a ton of money?
It would probably still be time to start working [in a new way]. (probably still would be camping out?)
I do not think I'm ready to endlessly wander the forest. I may avoid any commitment to a/that 3-week walk this summer.
---
So that's it.
---
The book[s] I got to reading this past trip was Arthur C. Clarke's
_2001: A Space Odyssey_, _2010: Odyssey Two_, _2061: Odyssey Three_, _3001: The Final Odyssey_.
"HAL" is one of those chilling/astonishing _Infinite Jest_ connections my mind came up with. . .
---
So why am I destitute without entertainment? I used to think I could deal with solitary imprisonment. . .
I could dance, meditate. . .
Sing. . .
[why can Clarke create this astonishing imaginary story while I must fall asleep for an engaging release from solitary forest existence [a dream]?]
---
There is a relational component of self, of mind. It is that fifth contemplation--"the sangha eye."
---
So, these words show a bit of where I'm.
---
Without entertainment, what--?
[that I left, briefly, the mindless habit energies of my 4602Seminole rut to spend time writing here. . . (~hope?)]
---
[To be fair: there had been a growing backlog of stuff to accomplish by returning here--one main goal: getting rid of some extra winter gear I'd been carrying: 3lb sleeping bag, umbrella, . . .]
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
stopping, breathing, smiling, acting
[I stopped on the way up from 205' (Stevens Park) to 3390' (Angostura Pass) to not just focus on breathing and smiling (haven't been?), to say hi!]
We have arrived, we are home. Abide here, between heartbeats, between breaths.
I was in Santa Barbara for three nights and now am back in the hills.
In the five contemplations before eating, there is this:
"5. We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings."
Everything can be seen as eating--eating of life. Though I'm often alone out here, I do consider how my actions can strengthen our sangha.
One way: writing a bit of what I learn. Much of it cannot be written. By going through repeated cycles of cooking, of eating, of sleeping, of weather, of trails, of walking, of resting, reading, repairing, resupplying, route choosing and finding--of leaving car-land and returning there and dwelling, urban houseless--of emailing, Internetting, and of leaving that behind--of discoveries found only because I walk--of frustrations, compulsions, recovery from and watching these, and of renewal of the feeling of love for wandering, for waking up another day somewhere I've never woken up before, a day ahead of--?.
The main lessons (? --from the 12 or so days out):
1. Bring or hunt more animal protein. Previous trip had one egg per day. For this one: two+ per day. Plus I scavenged a lot of animal foods while in town--and still have about 1lb Vons meatloaf, pounds of various cheeses (mascarpone, fontina). No sour cream this time, but the 4 lbs of non-Altadeena s.c. (trader joe's) worked well for me [last trip].
Because I am buying for a week or two at a time, I could now do more controlled dietary planning in terms of getting recommended amounts of fat, protein, etc.
2. Plan for three meals per day.
I did not move this last trip for ~6 days: I had one camp, read _Infinite Jest_, began to reread it, [then left,] began _Hamlet_.
Reading _IJ_ took a long time. 4+ days straight (and I was already a good ways into it). While the sun didn't exactly yo-yo, it was a bit as if I was on a multi-day drug binge or had succumbed to "the entertainment".
And it is designed to be re-read, a different book the second time. And attempting to understand the gestalt behind the work--the mind chews on the events of the story, tries to make a plausible story of where the author was coming from, tries to understand the mythology of the text, and the parallels pop up--with _Hamlet_, with creation myths, with Greek myths, with hypotheses about the author's new mythology presented here [in _IJ_], and the mind works in the background, popping in later, astonishing or amusing with a new guess about a new reason _IJ_ is the way it is.
Now I left all that behind when food got low and I had to walk and walk and then encounter and explore the city again and resupply in it--but soon I return to just mind, watching mind, and when I have enough of that, returning, perhaps, to _IJ_, to other stories, to some _IJ_ commentary on the web I plucked (downloaded) for the clié (palm).
Tentative Plans: Angosturo Pass -> Devils Cyn Trl -> Gibraltar Trl -> Cottam, Blue Cyn -> coming out Monday @ Romero Cyn.
I may try to stay longer. I think I have way more carbs than needed for 6 days. But I made an appointment. More on that later (~when I comment on the photos).
I took steps this time in town to learn SB as if it will be a long-term base for me, without a house.
Replaced decaying plastic water bottles. Visited a laundry mat. Surfed the web a bit for places I might look into working for.
Someone did email me about Los Padres Walkers, but I've taken no more steps to announce it.
Still working on organizing the 3-week Sierras trip with Leslie M., whom I've not met; wrote her a bit more about my prefs--and always wonder if that's the end? or will that greater revealing be accepted[, tolerated, allowed as only approximation].
Have yet to solve haircut issues. Needing new shoes. Need to mend pants. Those resupply / regeneration desires.
I did write my dad's mom. Both she and my mom's dad broke bones--clavicle, hip--since I've been gone. They both should live with other old folks/ more people, I think, but they don't.
I may return to San Diego May 1-11. May 1 is, I think, sdfoodnotawns.com's big conference. And maybe I can avoid paying $381 for that ticket, plus other assorted business--maps for planning trips; shoe, hat renewing--things for which an address helps. But returning there is risky rut-wise. Tho the longer I'm away, the more times I've left there, the less I fear sticking. Why go so far to return? Learn to live here, handle address-related desires here--
--
I got to watch the body get exhausted, not want to move, and then recover and do very well just from eating more of the food I brought + foraged greens.
I watched the mind cycle into period of frustration, frustration, frustration, with many little things, then out of that again into love.
I may be developing a more John Heron-like (or perhaps integral-like) view of helpful life practice: rather than seeking to bring a kind of mindfulness to all one's living, focus on cycling the mind and body and experience.
Rinsing in the cold stream is a way to reset mind from focus on little frustrations. Dealing with rain, hail (a cycle of body experience of weather) brings mind to whole focus on sense-experience rather than the somewhat mindless silent mental counting I fall into when hiking when mind is not wandering.
Yeah, so I have no job and am making no money.
The places I might apply to involve working with youth.
My issue is partly that I'm exploring a life I'm pretty sure most parents aren't to keen on their kids exploring.
My life is also a bit of an affront to those following the permaculture way of growing food, caring for land.
I don't need to look at it that way--
I still value the products of others' labor. Is there a way I can contribute?
I, perhaps, most want to serve the emancipated adult who finds mainstream life not fitting--
They could look here to see an alternative.
They could walk with me at some point--a hobo school unschool / Los Padres Walkers.
---
Inspired by _Infinite Jest_, I also briefly looked more into Food Addicts in Recovery and Overeaters Anonymous--oa.org, foodaddicts.org--both of which have SB-area meetings, Thurs eve, Sat morning.
Tricky with food is how to define succumbing to The Disease--not as simple as whether one has drunk, inhaled, shot up, gambled, etc., something.
My urban disease might now be 'looking in dumpsters'. [restraint begins there]
Well--
---
Lyn @ Quail Springs was grateful someone encouraged the green ambassador kids not to fret about what they want to be doing in 20 years. What do I want to do now? Follow that. Lyn was grateful for getting that suggestion herself at some point.
---
Is my vision the Los Padres Walkers? The wilderness awareness people who are interested in the idea are not lit-reading forest layabouts. . . ?
---
I looked a bit more at Obama's _Audacity_.
---
I walked by a shooting range / junkyard free-for-all on Forest Service land, at the top of the hill here, top of the watershed: shot-out monitors, TVs looking over a waved bowl [contoured in rising swells] w/ fragments of plastic, glass, florescent skeet clay--[an] expanse of unmade mosaic with tattered scarecrows of traffic cones, protruding posts, old tables, platforms, with things on them being smithereened--mini-epicenters of the unmade mosaic; a white-bread girl in white skirt with red earmuffs and a silver six-shooter; gangsters with their SUVs and AK-47s [the skinny country guys had the AKs--? The black/hispanic SUV guys, handguns?]; white prep boys in Carharts with shotguns and pigeon-launcher; and everyone else. The shots and their echoes sounding like rounds tearing the air somewhere nearby.
---
I just stopped, one night, and slept near a tunnel under the freeway, earplugs in, nice spot [eucalyptus grove] but for the rushing noise. It was time to just stop.
---
I spent a night in a monastery, a free one, where the monks go to bed by 1930 on Sundays, in clothes not their own, just showered, and rise in shifts of 20 at a time beginning at 0430. Later they have a few minutes to eat oatmeal, milk, generic-Os, the milk-glass emptied, a bit of coffee, before the sanctuary closes at ~0600, and they go out to their good work, sun unrisen.
---
There is a race of master builders of earthworks for BMX bicycles in this town. In neglected spots of oak-groved, pepper-treed open space along Las Positas Rd, Arroyo Burro Creek; one with a live Buddha, smoking something, overlooking it from an arundo cane alcove early on a quiet Sunday.
---
And master painters of concrete walls on the embakment between rail- and high-way.
---
There is coastal bluff open space for dogs and flute-busker Milo. There is SBfoodnotlawns.org and west-side food-shed google group and a kiosk/bulletin board with built-in free box on Camino De La Luz, which has a pedestrian bridge at the end into Mesa Park where I saw Milo again.
---
There are extensive bike trails, well-used.
---
A breath and a smile,
We have arrived, we are home. Abide here, between heartbeats, between breaths.
I was in Santa Barbara for three nights and now am back in the hills.
In the five contemplations before eating, there is this:
"5. We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings."
Everything can be seen as eating--eating of life. Though I'm often alone out here, I do consider how my actions can strengthen our sangha.
One way: writing a bit of what I learn. Much of it cannot be written. By going through repeated cycles of cooking, of eating, of sleeping, of weather, of trails, of walking, of resting, reading, repairing, resupplying, route choosing and finding--of leaving car-land and returning there and dwelling, urban houseless--of emailing, Internetting, and of leaving that behind--of discoveries found only because I walk--of frustrations, compulsions, recovery from and watching these, and of renewal of the feeling of love for wandering, for waking up another day somewhere I've never woken up before, a day ahead of--?.
The main lessons (? --from the 12 or so days out):
1. Bring or hunt more animal protein. Previous trip had one egg per day. For this one: two+ per day. Plus I scavenged a lot of animal foods while in town--and still have about 1lb Vons meatloaf, pounds of various cheeses (mascarpone, fontina). No sour cream this time, but the 4 lbs of non-Altadeena s.c. (trader joe's) worked well for me [last trip].
Because I am buying for a week or two at a time, I could now do more controlled dietary planning in terms of getting recommended amounts of fat, protein, etc.
2. Plan for three meals per day.
I did not move this last trip for ~6 days: I had one camp, read _Infinite Jest_, began to reread it, [then left,] began _Hamlet_.
Reading _IJ_ took a long time. 4+ days straight (and I was already a good ways into it). While the sun didn't exactly yo-yo, it was a bit as if I was on a multi-day drug binge or had succumbed to "the entertainment".
And it is designed to be re-read, a different book the second time. And attempting to understand the gestalt behind the work--the mind chews on the events of the story, tries to make a plausible story of where the author was coming from, tries to understand the mythology of the text, and the parallels pop up--with _Hamlet_, with creation myths, with Greek myths, with hypotheses about the author's new mythology presented here [in _IJ_], and the mind works in the background, popping in later, astonishing or amusing with a new guess about a new reason _IJ_ is the way it is.
Now I left all that behind when food got low and I had to walk and walk and then encounter and explore the city again and resupply in it--but soon I return to just mind, watching mind, and when I have enough of that, returning, perhaps, to _IJ_, to other stories, to some _IJ_ commentary on the web I plucked (downloaded) for the clié (palm).
Tentative Plans: Angosturo Pass -> Devils Cyn Trl -> Gibraltar Trl -> Cottam, Blue Cyn -> coming out Monday @ Romero Cyn.
I may try to stay longer. I think I have way more carbs than needed for 6 days. But I made an appointment. More on that later (~when I comment on the photos).
I took steps this time in town to learn SB as if it will be a long-term base for me, without a house.
Replaced decaying plastic water bottles. Visited a laundry mat. Surfed the web a bit for places I might look into working for.
Someone did email me about Los Padres Walkers, but I've taken no more steps to announce it.
Still working on organizing the 3-week Sierras trip with Leslie M., whom I've not met; wrote her a bit more about my prefs--and always wonder if that's the end? or will that greater revealing be accepted[, tolerated, allowed as only approximation].
Have yet to solve haircut issues. Needing new shoes. Need to mend pants. Those resupply / regeneration desires.
I did write my dad's mom. Both she and my mom's dad broke bones--clavicle, hip--since I've been gone. They both should live with other old folks/ more people, I think, but they don't.
I may return to San Diego May 1-11. May 1 is, I think, sdfoodnotawns.com's big conference. And maybe I can avoid paying $381 for that ticket, plus other assorted business--maps for planning trips; shoe, hat renewing--things for which an address helps. But returning there is risky rut-wise. Tho the longer I'm away, the more times I've left there, the less I fear sticking. Why go so far to return? Learn to live here, handle address-related desires here--
--
I got to watch the body get exhausted, not want to move, and then recover and do very well just from eating more of the food I brought + foraged greens.
I watched the mind cycle into period of frustration, frustration, frustration, with many little things, then out of that again into love.
I may be developing a more John Heron-like (or perhaps integral-like) view of helpful life practice: rather than seeking to bring a kind of mindfulness to all one's living, focus on cycling the mind and body and experience.
Rinsing in the cold stream is a way to reset mind from focus on little frustrations. Dealing with rain, hail (a cycle of body experience of weather) brings mind to whole focus on sense-experience rather than the somewhat mindless silent mental counting I fall into when hiking when mind is not wandering.
Yeah, so I have no job and am making no money.
The places I might apply to involve working with youth.
My issue is partly that I'm exploring a life I'm pretty sure most parents aren't to keen on their kids exploring.
My life is also a bit of an affront to those following the permaculture way of growing food, caring for land.
I don't need to look at it that way--
I still value the products of others' labor. Is there a way I can contribute?
I, perhaps, most want to serve the emancipated adult who finds mainstream life not fitting--
They could look here to see an alternative.
They could walk with me at some point--a hobo school unschool / Los Padres Walkers.
---
Inspired by _Infinite Jest_, I also briefly looked more into Food Addicts in Recovery and Overeaters Anonymous--oa.org, foodaddicts.org--both of which have SB-area meetings, Thurs eve, Sat morning.
Tricky with food is how to define succumbing to The Disease--not as simple as whether one has drunk, inhaled, shot up, gambled, etc., something.
My urban disease might now be 'looking in dumpsters'. [restraint begins there]
Well--
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Lyn @ Quail Springs was grateful someone encouraged the green ambassador kids not to fret about what they want to be doing in 20 years. What do I want to do now? Follow that. Lyn was grateful for getting that suggestion herself at some point.
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Is my vision the Los Padres Walkers? The wilderness awareness people who are interested in the idea are not lit-reading forest layabouts. . . ?
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I looked a bit more at Obama's _Audacity_.
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I walked by a shooting range / junkyard free-for-all on Forest Service land, at the top of the hill here, top of the watershed: shot-out monitors, TVs looking over a waved bowl [contoured in rising swells] w/ fragments of plastic, glass, florescent skeet clay--[an] expanse of unmade mosaic with tattered scarecrows of traffic cones, protruding posts, old tables, platforms, with things on them being smithereened--mini-epicenters of the unmade mosaic; a white-bread girl in white skirt with red earmuffs and a silver six-shooter; gangsters with their SUVs and AK-47s [the skinny country guys had the AKs--? The black/hispanic SUV guys, handguns?]; white prep boys in Carharts with shotguns and pigeon-launcher; and everyone else. The shots and their echoes sounding like rounds tearing the air somewhere nearby.
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I just stopped, one night, and slept near a tunnel under the freeway, earplugs in, nice spot [eucalyptus grove] but for the rushing noise. It was time to just stop.
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I spent a night in a monastery, a free one, where the monks go to bed by 1930 on Sundays, in clothes not their own, just showered, and rise in shifts of 20 at a time beginning at 0430. Later they have a few minutes to eat oatmeal, milk, generic-Os, the milk-glass emptied, a bit of coffee, before the sanctuary closes at ~0600, and they go out to their good work, sun unrisen.
---
There is a race of master builders of earthworks for BMX bicycles in this town. In neglected spots of oak-groved, pepper-treed open space along Las Positas Rd, Arroyo Burro Creek; one with a live Buddha, smoking something, overlooking it from an arundo cane alcove early on a quiet Sunday.
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And master painters of concrete walls on the embakment between rail- and high-way.
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There is coastal bluff open space for dogs and flute-busker Milo. There is SBfoodnotlawns.org and west-side food-shed google group and a kiosk/bulletin board with built-in free box on Camino De La Luz, which has a pedestrian bridge at the end into Mesa Park where I saw Milo again.
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There are extensive bike trails, well-used.
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A breath and a smile,
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Photos up; Los Padres Walkers community listing created
Finally the photos from since February 11 or so are captioned and rotated!
The main big news though is that I posted a listing on ic.org for a new community, "Los Padres Walkers":
http://directory.ic.org/22140/Los_Padres_Walkers
and I set up a google group as well:
http://groups.google.com/group/lpws
What remains is to announce it.
There's a lot more that could be written. Well, below I paste about the only writing I've done though, a letter to a member of the Sunburst community. The rest is in the captions for the photos.
I plan to announce Los Padres Walkers to:
Here's that email I wrote:
 |
| San Diego - LA - Piru 2008-02-12 to 17 |
 |
| Hike to Quail Springs 2008-02-17 to 22 |
 |
| Quail Springs to Spirit Pine (Figueroa Mountain) |
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| Figueroa Mtn to Sunburst to Refugio Beach State Park 2008-03-28 |
The main big news though is that I posted a listing on ic.org for a new community, "Los Padres Walkers":
http://directory.ic.org/22140/Los_Padres_Walkers
and I set up a google group as well:
http://groups.google.com/group/lpws
What remains is to announce it.
There's a lot more that could be written. Well, below I paste about the only writing I've done though, a letter to a member of the Sunburst community. The rest is in the captions for the photos.
I plan to announce Los Padres Walkers to:
- SoCal Indigenous Living & Origin Skills
- Dharma Hikers / Walking Sangha
- Derrick Jensen lists / primitive skills lists.
Here's that email I wrote:
Heiko,
thank you for sharing your time with me and for being a teacher. For giving me _Grandfather_ [by Tom Brown], for sharing about Sunburst, for that time together on on the porch when you reminded me of divine intention.
Friday, I walked down Route 1 after morning meditation and walking the labrynth. It wasn't more than two hours to the adobe at Las Cruces. I went up to the hot springs, rested there a long while, got out, began to read _Grandfather_.
Later I followed the Trespass Trail--washed out (impassable), overgrown, but there is good water along the way, and I came out around 5pm along the coast. Now I'm at Refugio SP.
If you get a chance, please thank the rest of Sunburst for me for being so welcoming.
I was up on the hill that last afternoon, and came down again to help out a bit. I bet I'd like to help more people walk in the forest (or just sit still in the forest). And I realized you were walking in your forest, so I went to participate.
Thanks for giving me your email address!
Please have anyone looking for a walking (or forest-sitting) companion email or call me. We can sit at times and share mindfulness practices and just enjoy being out here together. It really is wonderful out here.
I think I saw three young condors this morning along the beach drying their wings or warming up--wings outstretched (imposing).
Thank you for the beautiful natural building you and Michelle helped make happen and for the permaculture ideas/awareness you shared.
I'm enjoying _Grandfather_--the clarity of purpose "to make things better for future generations by caretaking creation".
I enjoyed getting to read a bit of Paulson's (sp?) _Christ Consciousness_ and see a bit how your stories related to his.
It was wonderful to visit Alicia and Thomas and see their picture of Francia at Lemuria/Olgivy--and to meet Patty (sp?) and hear her words about living, working in community being a way to realize divine intent. And I value Barbara's sharing with me an essence of Sunburst's mission--the keyhole, with the practices or elements supporting progression to Christ Consciousness. (and Helge's showing me around
the ranch! And Francia's sharing about the farmer who knows Chumash rock art sites--)
It is great to see how your focus on growing and selling good organic food has led to such well-being for your community (I noticed at least some beautiful teeth--some or most communities I've been visiting have neglected dental care perhaps). And to meet people who have been growing organic food for years.
Heiko, I'm rambling--thanks for sharing with me--I feel that partly (it was divine intention that) I came to Sunburst to learn from you.
a breath and a smile,
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