<<I am writing now to revere? This writing is my prayer and education? When I think of others it is to appreciate them and to ask how to help rather than to be witty or critical?>>
<<"Do not forget to pray, my boy. If your prayers are truly sincere, every day a new fervor will appear, a new thought of which you were unaware before, and that will give you new strength. You will understand then that prayer is education.">>
<<"responsive, active, and grateful love which was now beyond their power forever."
"They feed on their evil pride,"
"they refuse to be forgiven"
"They demand of God that He destroy Himself as well as all His creation."
"And they shall burn in the fire of their own rage forever and ever, always yearning for death and non-existence. But they shall not find death . . . ">>
Good Morning! I'm out of the house, at L's, I am being more thoughtful now.
The theme I began last night was tone. I'm seeking to leave behind a tone or style which has elements I did not enjoy remembering. In remembering these elements I feel unease--that writing that way does not help me love or be at peace (except to the extent such writing exposes areas for improvement).
Already, I've revised the lines above to eliminate elements of the old style. Statements about what I might do became descriptions of what I am doing ('can be more thoughtful' -> 'am being more thoughtful'). I've resisted criticising oddness in my writing, resisted a sort of witty-making-fun-of self (which then I tended to turn on others).
I am writing now to revere? This writing is my prayer and education? When I think of others it is to appreciate them and to ask how to help rather than to be witty or critical?
The elements of yesterday--let me consider them, revere them? Now this is bordering on over-use of 'revere', but I am testing 'revere' as an organizing principle.
Josh Robinson (
quakingaspenpermaculture.blogspot.com ?) is in town again. He's leading rainwater harvesting workshops for which he charges $150 to attend. In the two short weeks he's here he'll complete at least two installations at two sites of rainwater harvesting tanks and earthworks and be paid well for his work and his teaching. I revere that. The old tone or style would now tend to look at myself and to ask why I am not doing something as wonderful. The new tone? Just reveres his wonderful work?
We have a leaky faucet in Grandma Ann's garage. I mention to my dad that two previous attempts to make it not leak have not been successful. I ask for tips in case I want to try to fix it. He says it is easy to do, perhaps we must replace the washers more often. I revere his ability. If I'm not around he may just fix it on his own, but I hope to be around.
Yesterday evening dad got to sharing his exercise routine and plans. He jogged three miles yesterday! (aha: I was about to write how I haven't run that far perhaps for years now. But let's just revere what he's done and how he worked up to it on a treadmill at his work, a half-hour at a time, 10-minute miles, then faster, listening to mp3 audio books.) He'll alternate with a half-hour jump-rope workout today probably. He got a video on jump-rope workouts some time ago. He showed me his rope: just a quarter-inch smooth vinyl cord, and told me how to fit it: handles come to armpits when standing on the rope. [he also reads the UC Berkeley health newsletter and has kept Grandma Ann subscribed to that and to _Nutrition Action_(?) for years now.]
I value the change in the writing so far and the corresponding change in mind. Instead of puzzling over what doesn't feel right about this post after having published it, perhaps now I'll be looking for things to revere and asking how I can serve those who come in front of me[/who appear before me/before whom I appear]. How can I serve my dad? Grandma Ann? Eileen the cat? Laurie, who's gone? Can I, in addition to writing, praying[?], self-educating here, serve the others besides me who come across this and read a bit of it?
Is anything beneficial lost with this change in approach?
My dad rented the DVD Wall-E and I watched it with him and Grandma Ann last night. G. Ann didn't like it, she fell asleep. When I lived with my parents my dad would rent odd movies (Friday nights?) and I would sort of half-watch, never sitting down, never wanting to fully give myself over, happy for any aspect of the video that made it easy to walk away.
Yesterday, reading _The Brothers K_, I also got to watching for an opportunity to release myself from it. Finally a chapter ending came in which there was no strong foreshadowing of unresolved drama. How wonderful it is when authors help us put down the book, stop reading, and reflect on what we've read and on our lives. I believe such restraint on the author's part also shows a confidence that the reader will return, that the book will not be put down for good. _Moby Dick_ was like this. A bit could be read, and then I was returned to life, to further develop my own narrative rather than to escape it.
My exercise yesterday was the walk to the hill over Lake Murray and to shop at Windmill Farms (-$18), in very nice weather, and the first time I've done that walk in the daylight in a long time.
I've not visited dumpsters for a while. I have such a supply of various things I do not need anything more (especially since I'm leaving next Thursday or Friday[, and since all the wild greens are now growing]). And getting 8oz of sour cream every other day, eating a bit of it at a time, really seems [so far] to help me prevent endless eating while also avoiding the possibility of eating too much sour cream at once.
----[from Thursday night:]-------
There is another way to write and another way to live. I'm not sure what it is--I'll look out for it though.
It has to do with underlying purpose.
I don't think there really has been an underlying purpose here other than to enjoy writing. (Well, 'to be more mindful,' that has been an underlying purpose.) And the parallel attitude to life: how can I enjoy living?
Another purpose: to have a mind. If I don't write here it seems I don't think (anywhere near as meaningfully as I do here). And it also feels like I haven't lived unless I've thought about living? My writing here seems to move me on to new contemplations. I spent much of the day half-wondering why I didn't like the tone, personality, or something of parts of the last post. 'young pretties' stands out, as do the content of writing about call with mom, unease with phone calls. There's a lot there suggesting lack of love? or a need for further development of some kind? I was presenting a self there I couldn't really look up to. There was something ungodly / anti-god in the attitude of the post (see quotes below). I've also been half-questioning what is a good way to write when at the monastery. There is a chance the people there will be family--
So, for now: be on the lookout for a better purpose in writing (and living)?
to glorify god? To help others? To no longer be an independent person conversing with Himself?
[so, there, the lack of reverence and the wittiness is creeping in--isn't there a tone of deeper interest I can adopt?]
To love?
To ask how I can help each person who comes before me? To say that as a prayer?
2151 very tired. Must continue later.
---
[From _The Brothers Karamazov_, Dostoyevsky; A MacAndrew, trans.]
"Life will bring you many hurts and pains, but it is in them that you will find happiness, and you will bless your life and make other men bless their lives, which is the most important thing."
"Life is paradise;"
"every one of us is answerable for everyone else and for everything."
"look around you and see all the things God has given us: look at the clear sky, at the air that is so transparent, at the tender grass and at the birds, at the beauty of immaculate and sinless nature, in which we are the only stupid, godless creatures who do not understand that life is a heaven."
"'What isolation?'"
"among monks, there are many parasites, gluttons, voluptuaries, and shameless beggars."
"Yet there are so many meek, humble monks who yearn only for solitude and quietness, where they can abandon themselves to their ardent prayers."
"The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder;"
"Giving dinners, riding in private carriages, occupying high social positions,"
"when more material goods have been accumulated than ever, there is less joy."
"And why shouldn't I be my servant's servant?"
"instead of wanting to turn other human beings into servants, a man will strive to become the sevant of others,"
"Do not forget to pray, my boy. If your prayers are truly sincere, every day a new fervor will appear, a new thought of which you were unaware before, and that will give you new strength. You will understand then that prayer is education."
"Repeat to yourself every day and as often as you can: 'O Lord, have mercy on all those who will appear before You today.'" [read as 'before me' until typed in]
"Love man in his sin"
"love every atom of it separately, and love it also as a whole;"
"Always choose humble love,"
"Every day, every hour, every moment, examine yourself closely and see that your appearance is seemly. You may, for instance, pass a small child;"
"learning to love is hard [. . .] it is not just for a moment that we must learn to love, but forever."
"all things flow and are indirectly linked together,"
"you will pray to the birds, too."
"rejoice for the righteous and be happy, for, although you have sinned, they have not."
"you were guilty yourself for having failed to show the light to the wicked, as a man without sin could."
"the light you shed will remain."
"work for its future."
"When you find yourself alone, pray. Learn to enjoy prostrating yourself and kissing the earth."
"it is the suffering of one who can no longer love."
"those who have loved him but whose love he has scorned."
"responsive, active, and grateful love which was now beyond their power forever."
accepting love "along with the impossibility of their responding to it,"
"hell is voluntary and unending."
"They feed on their evil pride,"
"they refuse to be forgiven"
"They cannot behold the living God without hatred."
"They demand of God that He destroy Himself as well as all His creation."
"And they shall burn in the fire of their own rage forever and ever, always yearning for death and non-existence. But they shall not find death . . . "
"Well, whatever it is, vodka or salami, this is great"
"But it's not because of you, Rakitin--you're just a mushroom."
"he was weeping with ecstacy,"
"he rose a strong and determined fighter."
Book VIII: Mitya
Chapter 1: Kuzma Samsonov [read up to this point]
how can I help this person?
How can I serve my servants?
---
peace & creative love,
