I've been getting a bit lost(?) in the present moment and in the routine here, so have not been finishing writing. Here is the work in progress.
First: a note of record. Monday's schedule, a lazy day (nothing but meals scheduled):
0730 breakfast
1230 lunch
1800 dinner
1930 happiness meeting
it is now 1728--this is [nearly] the last part of the post to be written.
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Hello! Two long days? It is Sunday. I did not write yesterday, but I have some notes. I'm not sure what to write.
I've been learning to eat mindfully. 20 minutes in silence, often much longer for me, chewing 20-30 times, often. Eyes closed often. Three regular meals, scheduled. One large bowl, one small bowl (soup)--and that's all. I could go back for more if I ate faster, or get more the first time (but that would take even longer to eat mindfully, and I'm pretty sure I don't need to eat even as much as I have been taking). But I make sure to get some fat, and have yet to feel very hungry. Below is a contemplation I've been reciting too. I've been hoping I can carry over this mindful eating when I'm not here.
The Five Contemplations (?)
1- This food is the gift of the earth, the sky, numerous living beings and much hard work.
2- May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive it.
3- May we recognize and transform our unwholesome mental formations, especially our greed, and learn to eat with moderation.
4- May we keep our compassion alive by eating in such a way that we reduce the suffering of living beings, preserve our planet, and reverse the process of global warming.
5- We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings.
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this Sunday Schedule:
0500 wake
0545 sit
0700 eat
0900 walking meditation
1000 dharma talk
1115 dharma discussion
1230 lunch
1400 touching the earth (a guided bowing--five child's poses--to our blood ancestors; to our spiritual teachers; to all that has made the land that we live in [a focus on the people: Seneca(?), Jefferson, Dorothy Day]; to all who have made us suffer. And what was the fifth? Our own awakened nature?)
1800 Dinner
And I jumped from about 1530-1600.
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Yesterday in my notes I noted I've been making an effort to be more participatory and communitarian. Invite people to do things, accept invitations---participate and emulate rather than doing some default action that stands out. There is a consideration in me about how my actions make others feel (which hasn't always been there).
As one example, at the end of a class last night in the large meditation hall, instead of just sitting there waiting for everyone to leave, I got up, made eye contact, communicated, wished well, and then went back to sitting after everyone was gone.
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At that class, on The Five Foundations of Mindfulness (Satipathana Sutta?), I learned a technique of "dwelling observing the feelings/sensations (while) in the feelings."
So, I might note that I have a feeling. Note that it is pleasant, unpleasant, or neither. Note whether it originates in the mind or in the body (very interesting! When I feel an unpleasant sensation when I mess up jump-roping, that seems to originate in the mind! And many others!). Note whether the feeling is internal, external, or internal/external.
The last categorization is not too clear. But when we were informed about someone important to the sangha who had just died in a car crash, I was aware of an external-internal dynamic origin of a feeling.
---
there was a bell, so I'm off-- 1734 --may write more about earlier happenings, lessons, later. Peace.
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There has also been (with the more sitting I've been doing) a review of earlier private awarenesses developed in sitting--g-d consciousness (my label, a sort of wide and still holding of awareness [stiller wider ever-]); watching for attention movement, if movement, then attempt to take the new focus as mantra. Not sure what else--
--- another bell: 1806, this, dinner. ---
------return to Monday:
I did want to note there was a video dharma talk by TNH/Thay on Saturday for the retreatees while monks, nuns met.
Assignment: write a letter of love to your mother (and to others), appreciating her good qualities, and good qualities you got from her.
Also: how to reconcile: if you feel you've done harm to another, address this with the one harmed, as soon as possible. If you feel hurt by another, do the same. A script: "my dear, I suffer. / I do not understand. / Have I done something? / help me understand. Or: Darling, I am suffering. I am here for you. I'm doing my best. / Please help.
I missed the concise version, the "Buddha in your wallet." The concise version may be on the web in his teachings on love/ true love.
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I also helped return the cell phone of Carmen Velasquez's mom. Some Vietnamese visitors had found it at a rest area and were trying to help return it, but their English was not good. They handed it to me after I got to trying to help. . .
Sort of a tricky thing that was (arranging to meet, being concerned the phone would ring during the dharma talk, etc.). +$10
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Thay also addressed flower-watering during that dharma talk. This means, partly, sharing with someone the qualities in them you appreciate and wish to strengthen. And not encouraging or harming them based on any less positive qualities.
I got a chance to do this with one of the brothers here when I told him how much I liked to hear his voice (he had spoken in the meditation hall), how calming I found his voice.
A retreatant here watered my quality of moving mindfully, appreciating that I moved with care.
And there are other opportunities. It is nice to look for them.
---
Hard times about being here:
There is the initial hardness about integration into a community--what does a person think of me; am I standing out too much; what is my role here.
But the basic practice here and that video dharma talk, and other messages--all these do much to help.
If you're fretting about an interaction, you're not appreciating the present moment. If another is troubled by an odd thing you did or an odd thing about you, s/he is not appreciating the present moment. And every one is encouraged to care for one another, to care for the sangha, to care for their own appreciation of the present.
And the practices of silence, silent greetings, of smiling and returning smiles, these all help.
---[On Saturday evening:]
I partly layed down in front of an outdoor buddha statue on the hillside--on the smooth concrete footing at the base of this buddha's pedestal.
We had done walking meditation up to that plateau as the sun set. I had done much sitting that day. Most of the walkers went on to the edge of the small plateau, remaining there a while. On the way back they came by me, their softly-, silently-pacing torsos and shaved or haired heads, glasses, noses, lips, chins, throats silhouetted, black, against the glow, orange / golden, of a faded sunset in a clear twilit dark sky. Calm steps on a ground of dirt and decomposed granite.
I watched, did not get up to follow. Relishing relaxing (my shoulders, neck, back) there, looking up at the Buddha glowing brighter gradually against the gloaming in soft, white low-power, solar-charged light. Later, found my own way down alone, ready to participate again--the bell for dinner.
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Last night, awake in the middle, another hardness. Is this peace too much for me? Is there really pleasure in returning awareness to the sensation of breathing, to the senations of the present?
And watching. Is there pleasure in what I might be doing were I not here--eating, reading? Is there pleasure when my mind leaves the present and considers, say, my probable eventual court visit? [Or] Do I enjoy being alive by attaching the attention to the present moment?
It seems I do, it seems I am. And if I return to the past to write? That may be another thing I can enjoy. And now, having written this, my attention may leave the present to consider what is written here. . . then I'll invite my attention to return to the present once more.
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Shall I write those letters of love?
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If you do not hear from me as often now, my attention is in the present.
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