 |
| 2009-05-24 Goleta. Food diary, ethnobotany, restoration ecology, Santa Barbara streetcars |
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
? [silent]
I applied for several jobs and have interviews for two. I'm pretty silent.
The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.
I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.
Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.
2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?
I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.
---
I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:
Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try
We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.
"A great opportunity for the right person."
The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).
I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.
Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.
---
By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.
What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).
But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .
Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).
Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."
---
Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.
I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.
And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.
---
So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.
On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.
After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.
So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.
So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.
The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.
I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).
I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--
So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.
I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).
And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.
(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)
It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--
And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.
However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.
And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?
The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.
And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.
I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.
A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.
One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.
---
Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--
I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.
Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.
Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.
So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.
My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.
Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).
And time in limbo--what now?
And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?
[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]
Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.
---
I do want to swim, to be clean--
9 hrs volunteer work left.
Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?
I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.
---
Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).
And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.
Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?
Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.
---
But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.
---
A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.
Wash clothes at some point. Today?
Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?
There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)
---
Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?
friends and efforts to meet them
any more needed than this? Desired?
grey here, cool.
silent mind
---
[a breath and a smile,]
The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.
I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.
Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.
2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?
I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.
---
I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:
Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try
We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.
"A great opportunity for the right person."
The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).
I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.
Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.
---
By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.
What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).
But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .
Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).
Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."
---
Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.
I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.
And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.
---
So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.
On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.
After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.
So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.
So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.
The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.
I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).
I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--
So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.
I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).
And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.
(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)
It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--
And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.
However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.
And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?
The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.
And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.
I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.
A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.
One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.
---
Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--
I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.
Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.
Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.
So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.
My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.
Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).
And time in limbo--what now?
And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?
[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]
Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.
---
I do want to swim, to be clean--
9 hrs volunteer work left.
Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?
I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.
---
Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).
And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.
Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?
Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.
---
But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.
---
A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.
Wash clothes at some point. Today?
Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?
There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)
---
Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?
friends and efforts to meet them
any more needed than this? Desired?
grey here, cool.
silent mind
---
[a breath and a smile,]
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
moving in; relation
2009-05-15-2009
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:
Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117
I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.
---
That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?
Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.
The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).
I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.
And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).
And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.
I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].
Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.
I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.
I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.
---
Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).
I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.
A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.
I feel it at least.
I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.
Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.
[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]
---
Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?
Everyone else is running around and we are not?
We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?
Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).
---
Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.
A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.
Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .
The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?
SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org
So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.
And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.
What would I do with myself?
We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)
What would I do?
The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.
I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.
We'll see.
But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.
You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)
What do you do?
A breath and a smile.
---
Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:
---
Asunto: omg
2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful
Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?
Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?
"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]
--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.
"Ho," says he.
"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"
"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"
"I'll just be wanting it,"
Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .
"What do you say, Isak?"
"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."
---
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:
Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117
I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.
---
That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?
Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.
The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).
I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.
And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).
And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.
I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].
Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.
I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.
I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.
---
Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).
I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.
A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.
I feel it at least.
I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.
Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.
[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]
---
Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?
Everyone else is running around and we are not?
We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?
Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).
---
Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.
A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.
Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .
The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?
SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org
So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.
And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.
What would I do with myself?
We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)
What would I do?
The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.
I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.
We'll see.
But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.
You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)
What do you do?
A breath and a smile.
---
Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:
---
Asunto: omg
2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful
Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?
Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?
"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]
--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.
"Ho," says he.
"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"
"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"
"I'll just be wanting it,"
Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .
"What do you say, Isak?"
"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."
---
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Photos up!
 |
| 2009-04-12: twelve-day forest trip; SB discoveries (sbfoodnotlawns, kiosk, etc) |
 |
| 2009-04-22 6 days LPNF, return to SD, Loss of cable for charging! Loss of entertainment. |
 |
| 2009-04-25 San Diego, Garden, Court |
 |
| 2009-04-28 San Diego, Point Loma to Acorn and Seminole walk |
 |
| 2009-05-07 SD to Deer Park Monastery to Santa Barbara |
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
$;M'sday;introspection;>breath;adventure
2009-05-06-1027 To be plain about my motivation: the only cash-accumulating I do with little effort or effortful commitment is, potentially, that which occurs by me writing here. We are not supposed to discuss this phenomenon in certain ways.
So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.
I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.
And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)
I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.
Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--
Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--
What is life without entertainment?
What is life but entertainment?
2009-05-06-0937
Dear Mom:
Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).
The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.
I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--
I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,
---
I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.
It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.
I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.
I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--
I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.
My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.
Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.
I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--
Probably 1st the volunteer work.
Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.
That sounds like a good plan!
Is this the evolution of frugality?
Avoidance of any commitment?
It is a beautiful day here--
And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]
So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--
Love,
Colin
A breath and a smile
---------------end letter------------
Asunto: Introspection
2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.
Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?
And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.
Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.
A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.
A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.
---
A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--
Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--
I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.
For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.
Does life ask?
----------------end Introspection-------------
Asunto: more than breathe & smile
2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.
Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.
She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--
She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.
I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.
But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?
At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.
And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).
Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.
She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.
So Tina, Mirror--
And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."
And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:
Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML
---
It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?
I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.
Jen and
[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.
Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.
And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?
And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--
is dad ashamed of me?
am I rejected by dennis?
seen as worth less?"
and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.
---
So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?
A breath and a smile,]
-----------
Asunto: In search of adventure
There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--
About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--
But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.
So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.
Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.
---
Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.
At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.
And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.
how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?
(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)
and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .
---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:
"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."
development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?
sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."
and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.
To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).
the wind has returned.
This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--
1335
So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.
I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.
And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)
I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.
Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--
Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--
What is life without entertainment?
What is life but entertainment?
2009-05-06-0937
Dear Mom:
Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).
The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.
I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--
I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,
---
I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.
It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.
I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.
I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--
I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.
My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.
Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.
I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--
Probably 1st the volunteer work.
Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.
That sounds like a good plan!
Is this the evolution of frugality?
Avoidance of any commitment?
It is a beautiful day here--
And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]
So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--
Love,
Colin
A breath and a smile
---------------end letter------------
Asunto: Introspection
2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.
Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?
And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.
Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.
A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.
A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.
---
A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--
Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--
I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.
For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.
Does life ask?
----------------end Introspection-------------
Asunto: more than breathe & smile
2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.
Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.
She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--
She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.
I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.
But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?
At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.
And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).
Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.
She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.
So Tina, Mirror--
And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."
And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:
Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML
---
It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?
I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.
Jen and
[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.
Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.
And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?
And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--
is dad ashamed of me?
am I rejected by dennis?
seen as worth less?"
and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.
---
So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?
A breath and a smile,]
-----------
Asunto: In search of adventure
There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--
About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--
But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.
So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.
Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.
---
Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.
At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.
And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.
how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?
(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)
and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .
---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:
"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."
development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?
sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."
and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.
To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).
the wind has returned.
This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--
1335
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