Colin's forest blog: February 2009

Purpose: To rest deeply in the present.

Values: Peace.

Vision: Interact with others to grow the sangha.

(Thanks to _Full Steam Ahead_ by Blanchard and Stoner, given to me by Brent Bystedt.)

What I learned at the monastery:
"A breath and a smile. Generating future from past, may I rest in the present."

I learned to return awareness to my breath and to my present sensations--whether neutral, pleasant, or unpleasant-- and to smile.

I learned to look at my feelings and ask whether they originate internally, externally or internally/externally (and: do they originate in the mind or in the body?). Of the unpleasant feelings, noting the mental origin of many of them reduces the unpleasantness.

This returning to the present sensations I learned to do throughout the day: walking, sitting, eating, talking, laying down, working. When a bell sounds, we are reminded to return to the present.

The unrestrictive retreat environment (we can talk to each other, are encouraged to interact, and we even have breaks from silent eating and sitting, but never the bells) let me say foolish things (and encouraged and helped me to apologize ASAP) and let me learn and resolve to speak more mindfully--the tongue was mentioned by one monastic (Phap Hai[?]) as being a few inches of flesh causing much of human suffering.

We are even encouraged to speak in challenging (potentially harm-causing and mindless) situations (Happiness Meeting, Beginning Anew, Dharma Discussions)--and these are more laboratories for developing mindful, thoughtful, considered speech--for developing spontaneity while still being considerate, compassionate, joyful, and helpful in what one says.

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All that--is a better way to live. Instead of writing here, I've been returning to the present and enjoying doing so.

I've gotten lost in mindlessness (mostly eating and reading) since I returned--but by not writing (or chewing over the past) and by quickly returning to awareness of my present breath and by smiling, life has been better (richer?) than before.

Questions I left with: what does it mean to live deeply in each moment? What does it mean to rest deeply in each moment? These were mentioned as goals of the practice. What are results of doing so?

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I've met wonderful people on my return to San Diego--people part of the Thich Nhat Hanh-inspired (what I've been calling The) Mindfulness Sangha.

Wonderful people. People my age (people of different ages, but somehow similar. Similar in sharing a value for the practice/work we learn at Deer Park (or from TNH's books/videos)?)-- Inspiring people. People who inspire me with their presence, their way of being. David, Steven, Marika, Namaste, Steve, and others. Steven wove bracelets for us, and with each knot returned his mind to "I love you". David and I both note there's something more than averagely special about Steven. David suggested it is his empathy. And note, friends, everyone I've mentioned here I would note as having (more often than I've encountered it before) that special quality--a peace, a calmness, a deliberateness, a sensitivity, an awareness? These are all people on the edge--one foot in the non-monastic culture, one foot feeling in a direction that perhaps neither their parents nor the monastics (spiritual parents) are testing. [This paragraph strikes me as somewhat unskillful. I don't want to discourage monastics who might read this (they and their example have helped me so much). But there is a somberness there--there is something at the monastery, about the cultural reproduction there, I'm not totally embracing. . . I want to say it has to do with uniqueness and personality, facebookness/friendfeedness. There is something joyfully mindblowing about the diversity of paths I encounter outside? A breath and a smile.]

[While it is on my mind: the fourth of the five contemplations when touching the earth is "people I love/or people who love me"--this was left out of the earlier post.]

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The future has been my greatest hang-up since returning. What next? How do I guide myself beyond continuing to return to the present?

"Interact with others to grow the mindfulness sangha." Is a vision for acting that has helped.

"Refrain from reproducing the old cycles and habits." That seems to be the deeper unconscious instruction. Do things differently. With no vision for the future, I laid still nearly two days until one vision was in place (wwoofing). "Do not stay at grandma's house." That seems almost compulsory.

So, tomorrow, I leave again. I leave the sangha I've found here. Perhaps I'll remain away much longer than I have before?

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That may be all the story I have about the monastery. The routine and near-vegan diet were a challenge (some monastics with soy allergies/ failure to thrive as vegan will eat eggs, dairy, but default diet is vegan).

During a Q&A session, two monks and a nun mentioned not being happier than before they ordained, but that they were more solid and stable. Sweetness of monastic life was compared to that of a broccoli or carrot--a skill they developed in developing their sensitivity and awareness--vs. the sweetness and rush (and down and unnourishing effects) of a candy bar.

That comment was helpful. I rather like my non-monastic life? There are joyful elements. Though or because I work rarely, I enjoy the work, especially the coworkers I meet and the new situations the work puts me in. I like to meet the permaculture people. There is more awareness and implementation of earth-beauty, earth-connection there (In some ways. PC'ers may be less aware, less mindful, less calm, more harmfully passionate, more car-intensive). I love especially the mindfulness sangha members on the edge, bringing mindful practices to their non-monastic lives.

David, a man I met at the monastery who travels around to many monasteries--an itinerant un-ordained Buddha-valuer, well-read, thoughtfully considered, much to say about wandering and helping--I'm remembering him now.

I learned to view indecision as a habit of mind: mind likes to generate indecision perhaps because that perpetuates mind. Is it possible just to decide? To recognize the indecision habit and then return awareness to breathing and smile?

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I hope now to write what is needed: people want to be (I want to be?) organized, given the opportunity, to do fun things.

So, I may be silent except to develop and announce the forest walks and lay sangha meetings--?

Yesterday I was so grateful to have Mike call me up and invite me to come spread mulch for a landscape installation he was doing. Good physical work and company--it got me out of the house and to a long walk back in places I hadn't been. I respect him so much as a good person doing good things--similar to Steven in quality of presence--I'd like to be able to offer others opportunities such as he gave me to get out, to do new things, to see new people and places, with the added element of practicing more mindfulness.

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Below are some things I typed in from _Infinite Jest_. Below that, songs, gathas, contemplations from Deer Park Monastery.

Know that I hope to announce more group forest walks at
groups.google.com/group/dhws

a breath and a smile,

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From _Infinite Jest_ by David Foster Wallace (could be a harmful text?):

Sometimes words that seem to express really invoke.

That sharing means talking,

That it takes effort to pay attention to any one stimulus for more than a few seconds.

, can want to get high but instead just sit there, wanting but not, if that makes sense, and if you can gut it out and not hit the Substance during the craving the craving will eventually pass, it will go away -- at least for a while.

That most Substance-addicted people are also addicted to thinking,

In short that 99% of the head's thinking activity consists of trying to scare the everliving shit out of itself. That it is possible to make rather tasty poached eggs in a microwave oven.

there's a deep and tremendously compelling dignity about the old man's demeanor w/r/t the PUSSY on his arm,

The punter never made her feel quite so taken care of, never made her feel about to be entered by something that didn't know she was there and yet was all about making her feel good anyway, coming in. Entertainment is blind.

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From Deer Park Monastery songs, gathas, contemplations:

*Verse while serving our food*

In this food I see clearly the presence of the entire universe supporting my existence.

*Verse before eating*

Beings all over the Earth are struggling to live. May we practice so that all may have enough to eat.

*Verse after the meal*

My bowl (plate) is empty. My appetite is fulfilled. My heart is filled with gratitude for parents, teachers, friends, and all beings.

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Two personal notes:
Indecision as a habit of mind.

What is best for my practice (work)?
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The Five Contemplations

1 This food is the gift of the earth, the sky, numerous living beings and much hard work.
2 May we eat with mindfulness and gratitude so as to be worthy to receive it.
3 May we recognize and transform our unwholesome mental formations, especially our greed, and learn to eat with moderation.
4 May we keep our compassion alive by eating in such a way that we reduce the suffering of living beings, preserve our planet, and reverse the process of global warming.
5 We accept this food so that we may nurture our sisterhood and brotherhood, strengthen our sangha, and nourish our ideal of serving all beings.

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SONGS OF PRACTICE:

1. The Island Within
Breathing in, I go back to the island within myself.
There are beautiful trees within the island. There are clear streams of water. There are birds, sunshine, and fresh air.
Breathing out,
I feel safe. I enjoy going back to my island.

3. Happiness
Happiness is here and now
I have dropped my worries
Nowhere to go, Nothing to do
No longer in a hurry
Happiness is here and now
I have dropped my worries
Somewhere to go, something to do
But I don't need to hurry.

4. Arrived, At Home
Arrived, arrived
At home, I am at home
Dwelling in the here
And dwelling in the now
Solid as a mountain
Free as a white cloud
The door to no birth and no death is open
Free and unshakeable

6. I have arrived, I am home
In the here, and in the now
I am solid, I am free
I am solid, I am free
In the ultimate I dwell

8. Walking in Beauty
Now I walk in beauty,
beauty is before me,
beauty is behind me,
above me and below me.
(and within me)

9. Breathing in, Breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
I am blooming as a flower
I am fresh as the dew
I am solid as a mountain
I am firm as the earth
I am free
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
I am water reflecting
what is real, what is true.
And I feel there is space
Deep inside of me
I am free, I am free, I am free.

10. Song of Gratitude
Thank you for letting me fly,
high, high above the sky.
Thank you for letting me smile, smile, smile throughout day and night.
Thank you for letting me cry the tears from deep down inside.
Thank you for being my light, a guardian angel by my side.
Thank you for opening my eyes and making the world so bright.

12. Take Your Time
Take your time, breathing in, breathing out.
Look deeply as you say, "This is me."
You and your breath, you and the all.
As hummingbird and flower have always been together.
Take gentle steps. Feel the ground, curl your toes.
Is there a line between you and this path?
You and your step, you and the Earth,
as butterfly and blossom, have never been apart.

Colin's forest blog

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Growing the Sangha; Jest; Songs

Photos up: gardens, canyons, walking, sleeping, and eating the greens in San Diego