Tired, may be returning to life. I'll be leaving very soon--early Tues. to go to Point Loma to stay with grandad while grammie escapes. And from there, leave early Thurs. for Escondido, arrive monastery by 4pm Friday. Tomorrow, dad leaves, Laurie arrives.
Upon waking, a main topic for contemplation: TNH's "A rose for your pocket". I'd love to give the link, but may not go through the trouble. I believe it is on deerparkmonastery.org under "teachings". There you see a skillful communication intended to make a change (or to guide attention). And TNH is sometimes quite assertive in a fairly gentle but firm way [I'm thinking of other situations--live recorded dharma discussions, one in Vietnam--and about my friend's comment appreciating the quote "always choose humble love"]. A lot can be learned about the new way of writing and being I am looking for by considering "Rose" and other of TNH's actions. More on "Rose" below.
This morning I also got to fiddling with what has sprouted up in the neglected, raked-over, and sort of left-for-dead garden in the back yard where I've spent the past two nights. Removed some crabgrass, transplanted a perennial christmas lima bean vine. A fava and a pea have also sprouted up! There is a nettle patch! A potato plant is well along in a shady spot. The sweet potato vines are growing in many spots, perhaps a little damaged by cold. Weeded some milk thistle. Wonderful, wonderful to see how much is now growing there without being intentionally planted (in the spot it is growing. All those plants I planted at some point and now they have managed to propagate themselves due to people moving earth and natural reseeding). Many beets and mustards from the seeds of last year's plants. Garlic that was planted last year only now is really growing well. A wild garden. Its days may be numbered. But (some) food will grow if you let it (and help it get started), it seems.
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[from 9:45pm Sat. night]
Woke to drizzle, set up tarp. Later, got to using computer. Got a different translation of _The Brothers Karamazov_. Read TNH's new year's letter. Helped dad fix leak. He used a special tool to smooth the surface the washer presses against. There was a gouge in that surface. My fancy mini-headlight arrived. Visited Eileen (a cat). Read TNH's "A rose for your pocket." Cried. Need to learn this way of loving. What he asks for is difficult perhaps. His refrain, somewhat devastating. One can look at mothers critically. That is destroying G-d? I want to excuse myself. Was there never any value in that criticism? It was related to seeking independence. Until now I never knew a better way? Does any use remain for the goddess-killing / critical mind?
So now, to look at mom, dad, to love them? Did it with friends, with new friends even, taught it to others even (talent night at a Quail Springs permaculture course). But with my parents?
look for three breaths
hold hands & look for three breaths
hug for three breaths
the patterns in her (Galia Leon) are in others too and can be in me, though she leaves.
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looked at tent stakes, shoes, raingear at Big 5. Returned home. Sewed. Went to Kroc, more jump rope. Returned. . .
Camping may be a distraction from the main purpose of being at the monastery, being with others.
Read the 14 Mindfulness Trainings.
"If you give your beloved what she does not need, that is not maitri[sp?]" (remembered from lost notes - from TNH's teachings on love).
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Did not feel too good today. My dad appears quite fit, spry. Myself, entertaining self with food has multiple unhelpful effects--gums, ankles, knees, stomach and so on, issues with all of those perhaps related. New shoes? Loved sewing. Managed to keep moving.
Believe there is a lot a lot of wisdom to TNH's (and others') emphasis on doing things together with others, as a sangha.
Isolation, separateness a root cause of types of suffering.
did remember to ask how I can serve my servants--[and my behavior changed--I thanked a lifeguard, did not wait to be told 'pool's closed'.]
1022pm. Tired. Good night.
appreciative of many things and of this breath--
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Back to Sunday morning. I guess I've been stressing the body with the jumping. I feel like walking slowly not to agitate my joints. Looking forward to healing time.
appreciating many things and this breath,
peace and creative love,
how can I serve my servants?
"there are no have-nots, every one has what to contribute" ~ Vinoba Bhave (sp?) _Moved by True Love_
[thank you for your comment, I think on it:
the idea that what I write is already known, and the way you mentioned of serving with the prayer.]
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how can I serve my servants? (I am walking for my mother. My father walks. [TNH's new year letter])
appreciating many particular things [prayer?], and this breath
peace and creative love,
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