Back @ park. Sort things out. Been unmindful. Sending messages. Eating bananas. Today is mostly clear. Laying in sun. Grandma alone in TV glow eve of xmas day. Gums irritated.
If extract self, not wait for death or extraction, mind will develop plan, supporting rationale. Last night during long walk mind turned to monastery. The walk, 2.5 hrs at the shortest, 3 hrs last night. In dark through driving wind and rain at the top of Del Cerro. Brutal in its lonliness, the loneliness is a strand connecting times of life when that feeling was newer, less resolved. Now there is a bit of distance from it, an examination of it.
The rationale. No rent, no car. No commute. A focus on the most meaningful. Company, companionship. Our social structure is isolating. Alternatives: homeless camp by river / village in mexico / get job pay rent try to find companions do the more usual thing.
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Just went online. Come, murmullos, save me, distract me from rationale, my own reason.
Same guys are in the park.
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Two days, no Kroc, not so easy.
The next step is to arrange the visit to the monastery then.
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I sent L a stupid email. Well, that's done now.
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Wrote NUP draft:
Network Use Policy
Wait one day before sending a reply to a personal message not related to meeting up.
Wait one day after writing a personal message to send it.
Analyze this policy.
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I guess that's it. If I could find a female partner who shared my orientation, no cars, walk, stay near, question tradition--and I expect that is possible--maybe I could sustain a non-monastic life.
I guess that's it. Will you make the reservation?
What holds you back? The effort, planning, forethought, change, cost.
Shaving, commitment, sexless.
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avoid the endless wandering.
may be able to call them. May be. By 4pm?
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any other way to meet those goals?
The reproductive costs: the vietnamese buddhist culture versus other options.
perhaps could develop a new approach based on what I learn there, but such initiative seems unlikely at the moment.
and my typing here?
this does seem to be the next adventure. The beauty of the women, head hairless, body cloaked, without the challenge of the possibility of intimate partnering.
unusual to have men & women at same monastery in that tradition. There are the other retreaters and lay visitors.
a comment like that on the women--
oh, they eat separately, generally.
you're not there to love them the sexual way.
but does seem much richer that they are there. Doubt there's harm in noting that.
a regression to school-age fun and sociability. A progression--
is there any other solution to the social and intellectual devastation of north america / socal ? [doubt intellectual should be in there]
could the monastery ever be more accessible?
is the sexlessness a requisite of this style solution?
the amish--in which reproduction, mating, life, far more scripted.
but to my knowledge, few non-christian solutions are as open to the culturally lost as the buddhist monastery + the buddhist need no statement of faith.
sort of like a neo-tribe for those who lack initiative to make tribe of own or enter existing one.
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the maritime career would possibly solve many problems of life. But I don't feel at ease with it--(were it easier to get in, as in 1850 [started Richard Henry Dana], I probably would already be gone)
buddhists aim more directly at the goal.
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got to comparing self with the 'more alive'. I don't seem to miss my relatives. The thought of visiting them does not bring peace, though there is nothing openly bad about our interactions--well some I do avoid--its just that my problems will not be solved thereby, I feel. Awareness of difference and otherness again. [where can I lessen that?]
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getting cold. Hope to do my exerecises. Will see if I make that reservation.
peace and creative love,
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