ahoy

Was at Point Loma for a night (Saturday). Grandparents, drama, aunts, uncle, cousin. Got responses to the foolish email, sent reply, got wise, reconciling reply from L. Email foolishness not a reason for an end in this case. [In response,] Wrote four drafts, only sent the fourth (the third failed to send immediately, giving me another look). The fourth, just a 'thank you!' and 'see you when you get back' (the whole experience was rather emotional and meaningful, but after puzzling over three drafts, attempting to be more coherent and less passionate, I realized there was no point in drawing things out--I wrote foolishly partly because I missed her and wasn't self-aware enough at the time to say simply that. The only resolution really is to wait for her return. Not sure what the value of email is in this case. Her response [the wise one, already mentioned], somewhat amazing and comforting--she even welcomed my writing again and said she'd try to read more open-mindedly. A sort of email aikido--there is no resistance, nothing to push against there. Instead of continuing the foolishness, she raises the quality, thoughtfulness of the interaction. And she showed she does read the emails and does care--I did not entirely expect that.). Picked Macadamias in Pt Loma cyn. Emails from Jasmine, Don-- inbox a bit like a good novel. Returning to Acorn & Seminole, ate a lot. Later left, got sour cream. Dumpster greens, got earlier: good spinach, lettuce. Many people visit this dumpster [but I live very close by--can check it each walk if I have no higher purpose]. Yesterday it was mostly full of bananas. At evening visit to cat, looked at L's books: inner child, _magister ludi_, nietszche, dostoyevski. Later got into _brothers K_. Ate too much cream, I'm sure. Won't get so much again.

So, all in all, not much news. Haven't got to look at link Gianni sent: portablefarms.com.

Walking now. Will probably do exercises, swim, etc. Dad arrives tomorrow evening.

Will not be able to get away with filling mind with books forever. But at least I got out [of the house]. May think some creative thoughts now or just enjoy whatever is happening. Eating--probably the greatest recent foolishness.

No response from Deer Park yet. That will be quite a change. What is there to do in meantime? Money will be a main concern soon enough. But, waiting, more challenge course jobs may come along. If it works out, long-term monastery non-monk residence appears to be <$300/mo + work. Not sure what I'll think of it after two weeks there. How will I be affected by those I meet. Drama with L probably not over yet, love and desire.

Imagine either I'll like it there (@Deer Park) very much, or develop renewed appreciation for extra-monastery life, or develop new connections, new visions, and progress to some newer synthesis of the two. May meet good laypeople who open new possibilities.

In the meantime, try not to eat too much, keep exercising. Sew those pants. Feed the cat. Read _Brothers K_. Maybe think about finances. Write Don, Jasmine. Should probably call mom, but I tend to avoid calling anyone. Could talk to J about meeting in Balboa Park the 6th.

In many ways, it is very (very) nice here at the moment. There is no fire to get me to keep working on getting a shipping job.

The city-funded park leafblowing just started--motivation to move on. [Later it stopped, and Jim L from SDSU Aztec Adventures and dog came by and said hi.]

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Here are parts of _the brothers K_ I felt like typing in:

"Alyosha," Miusov declared, "may be the only man in the world who, if left all by himself in the middle of a strange city inhabited by a million unknown people, would never suffer from cold or hunger. For he would immediately be offered food and shelter; and if no one offered him anything, he would find everything he needed right away himself, and it would cost him no effort, nor make him feel in the least humiliated, nor, for that matter, would he be imposing himself on others; just the contrary, they would all be only too happy to do things for him." _The Brothers Karamazov_ Dostoyevsky; AH MacAndrew, translator.

"What precisely is an elder, then? An elder is a man who takes your soul and your will into his soul and his will. Once you have chosen your elder, you renounce your own will, you yield it to him in total submission and self-renunciation. A man who consents to this ordeal, to this terrible apprenticeship, is willing to bear it in the hope that, after a long period of trial, he will conquer himself and achieve a self-mastery that will enable him to finally attain, through a whole life of obedience, complete freedom (that is, freedom from himself) and thus avoid the fate of those who reach the end of their lives without ever having found themselves within themselves." Ibid.

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[wishing us]
Peace and creative love and enough mindfulness to be aware of them [I'm working on the latter at the moment],