etwork. Relationship.]
Can't tell you how I got to where I am. Can't tell you where I might be next.
Only thing to do: tell what has been that I know. Work back.
I just ate a lot of rice, unnecessarily. A sausage (apple chicken?)-- Oranges--
I tried writing--
What I have left of the attempts, reverse order of occurence:
----------------------------------------------
Subject: every thought is broken by device failur
Back to writing here, but the technology is failing.
Before that, disembodied voices, yes.
Unable. Isolation. You cannot
---
Subject: Sara I love you
Looking through the old entries at experienceart, trying to find Valerie's last name, I saw a mention that when Sara called me from Alaska one time, she said I sounded angry, like I didn't want to talk. I also read of some amazingly endearing things she did. . . I'm not recalling now exactly what. And when I read it I sort of shuddered, maybe had a beginning of a tear, a silent, half-said "oh my g-d", ("I can't believe anyone. . .") and went skimming on.
---
I haven't bbb
---------------------------- (End previous attempts that did not get erased.)
I briefly considered 'fuck' as a subject. . . I remember that. "I am your madness," was another. A draft that got deleted had a list of spaced words ending: "network.
network.
network."
In one I mentioned sitting a few days ago--the unrecorded entree to this void--and before that or was it after, the sidewalk opening her legs to me, but could not recall which first perhaps we'll sort it out.
---
Why did I stop? People emailed me.[?] Never do that. Post a comment? Never email me. (It was partly my own fault. I may be wiser now. [Hide the address?])
{what really means what here. This seems to be seriously true. But too sad. In the past: contact me only to arrange to meet. That seems reasonable. What about dialog about ideas? That could be a comment somewhere. And what about my licence (two 'c's! Verb: one 'c', one 's') in emailing others? If you need to use me, use me, if I don't reply, I'm waiting for you to set a date and time to meet. If I don't reply to that. . . maybe didn't get it. Never count on me getting anything sent to me at mms.att,net.}
---
Was just laying here, sensing?, before trying to write. Before that, eating reasonably. Before that, resting. Before that, sewing a seam in my new pants [a wonderful accomplishment but still have a long ways to go]. Before that, eating reasonably. You are missing all the accompanying thoughts. Laurie, Melissa, Julie, Karin (and Tommy). I wrote one of them an email (wasn't thinking? Not as wise as now?), and signed it "peace & creative love," something I developed this morning and ran through my mind quite alot. That was after sewing, after resting, I don't know what came over me.
Before laying here and not writing, I tried various ways of sending, getting email, spending ~$1. Then, avoiding the walk to State (SDSU), spent $10 on 5 megabytes [expire in a month] and read bloglines blogs (worldchanging post "xmas gift ideas" has book and mag recommendations), cleaned gmail inbox, turned off email daily digest for couchsurfing groups, all as prelude to reading the couchsurfing landscape person job description and deciding it wasn't for me--the main result and end of about 300kb of data use.
Before what was last, walked back from pool via Laurie's ( not there :-( ), via S&F dumpster (zucchinis, oranges, apples, good mixed salad greens, all thoughtfully covered in flour and water [the bags were]).
At pool worked hard [remarkably fluid, energized]. Sitting time gave the disconnect. Had had grand and distracting plans ("aspiring carfree, planefree, and motorvehiclefree couchsurfers and hosts" couchsurfing group, and related ideas), had even considered writing
---fone phroze as it has been doing. A long time. Nearly slept, but had not used oralbreeze.com to clean gums. Got up. Did. Trying to receive? Failed. Don't know what phone is doing. 2233.--- froze again 2236---
had considered writing after first sit and before weights but drifted into sitting once more and let that go too.
before at Kroc did fast kata, yog, ballet (1hr) at Rolando Little League Park.
before that, tried to use free internet to do something related to Karin & Tommy and my couchsurfing profile, but connection failed, and later realized that (falling asleep. Good night.).
--------------------
0602 Saturday
Before spending the $10 yesterday I did try the free wifi a couple of times.
I later realized that whatever it was I wanted to email them about--well, whatever it was, I forgot. I did want to soften the instructions to smokers (my neighborhood friend smokes somewhat sparingly, is trying to quit, and generally smells good--doubt it helped if she read that [my CS profile], which reminds: I sent NF an email, the one from couchsurfing, written by Karin-- couchsurfing.com/people/yll -- saying carfree she and friend tommy were coming to SD and could I host them?).
So that is the main skein back to Friday morning? The kata/yog/ballet in the park were very nice, though I got caught up in my scheming about that CS group--eventually developing the name "aspiring carfree, planefree, and motorvehiclefree couchsurfers and hosts"; and considered how to implement it (one global, many local groups), and what the description, mission statement would be. And Geneva in the weight room, Charles in the pool. I got a message from god: it was from the friend (hmm) I later emailed asking a technical question. [never all. Layers]
---
Thursday night. I had got to the kroc late on Thursday --- did full routine on cold concrete (rainy the prev. day; shade from the low southern sun; bright, blue sky, clouds, distant: hills, mts in sky), and swam, went to sit, and didn't have it in me to lift. Walked back, but not enough (in me) to walk by NF's. But she'd been by and I missed her!
I act oddly when that happens. Topics for writing come up: I want to see her? I don't want but want her to feel missed? (ended up calling four times, leaving three messages before the evening was up).
There is a subtle competition: who can hold out longer from visiting, calling? But more an internal one: a pride (or compulsion) in remaining aloof, unneeding? [and then the easy magnet of often wanting stop by (regardless of what may have happened last), at least on way back, when walking near her place.]
---
I ate and thought I'd not go out at all again. . . Was resting. The message "[CS msg: Karin Ervelin] Two carfree swedes arriving..." came through on my phone. Arriving 12/21-22. Energized! Grandma said ok; the free internet worked and I wrote back (CS makes you use the site) and read profiles and looked at photos of my potential new friends. Then resolved to walk to State (wanted to walk--energized, and to upload photos of the porch so I could be more sure they really wanted to stay here--and the free internet had stopped). Called Laurie for the fourth time: "get ready if you want to walk!"; third message.
She was there. Foolishly, energetically "so you've been here the whole time!" She had not. Probably for the last one. But she only has four rings, then an answering machine (the default male "leave a message" --I'd call her now to get it exactly but she might answer 0653), and sometimes she picks up if you leave a message. I've been there. Often she never answers others who call when I'm there (and phone and machine volume are very low, not disturbing). Nice. But often she never answers when she's there [*]alone[*]. Once she told a guy she'd call him back in a minute--perhaps made a point of speaking to me, he'd hear--, never did. I guess it was he [who] called again, [she] never answered. And he or another guy left a msg earlier that evening too!
Spending time with her is a challenge unless you stop by and get her-- It doesn't seem to be an intentional, composed, serene aloofness though. It is cousin perhaps to the alienated depressive kind, which, at its worst, she'd never respond unless you go in and get her out--I've never done that, but think Catherine has. [I'm] Assuming she won't read this.
No I don't understand her. And this story is mine not hers. She writes, as I said before, and not to me, and what little I've heard of her written voice was cogent, reassuring. Yet in other ways she's anything but that.
Guess she's alot like me, visionless[?]. She watches movies though. That seems significant. Well, that night she went with upstairs neighbor to rent a movie, walking, in her SoCal women pseudo velvet exercise pants (a small groan, but who am I, and have appreciated? the view of mons and underwear lines one morning when comparing notes on pelvic tilt and posture).
I went to State (thru dark cyn), communed with net and photos [how interesting that I have these digital artifacts, make use of them], updated couch description. Returned to find NF, NFF, NFFF (Al--Keg & Barrell Mgr?), and NFFD (neighborhood friend's friend's dog--Cheetah) in deep floral velvet (*$%&! the phone keyboa[rd has this horrible lag it some]times gets. All that in square brackets was left out! Typed twice!) red-sashed bedroom with zebra or otherwise black and white pattern on everything else, including Al in large zuni blanket and Cheetah who is always black and white unclothed, a sort of chihuahua daschound, never barking, never a sound but clicking nails on linoleum or concrete, a round black spot on his side, others on tips of ears, and he often wanders into Laurie's place like a lost and somewhat curious small pig.
I believe that sentence is complete, though this is where it was headed: to find [subjects] watching a batman movie. Cindy, Laurie, Cheetah on the zebra-quilted low mattress bed, AL in the corner in chair wrapped in blanket, Cindy, ever friendly, inviting me to stay, the glow of large screen to my left lighting[. . .]--mostly I just apologized to Laurie through the din, said hi to Al, no thank you to Cindy. I'd been marveling at my energetic impatience, annoyance, or jealousy that led me to say "So! You've been here all the time."
This is very much about the network, the phones (landlines), computers, cellphones that receive email, and my inability to deal with them well. (The transportation network.)
Of the rather many ideas: a post, "Network Use Policy", of how I'll use the network. I would--
In New York City I could have friends and visit them, and get to know them, to love them, they walked from pool or dance studio, I could walk with them, we could ride subway together too.
---
0833 Was up to Thursday morning. I believe that morning I responded to emails, spent time online, reflexively posting, emailing about the San Diego Sunday Streets LinkedIn group Mike and Larry just started. [no, that was weds morning.]
Late, very late Wednesday (1 and 2 am Thursday) emailed Melissa, Julie. That is where any last energy went before ---.
Now, Wednesday night, sat. At library at State, after taking all those rainy day photos. After really feeling like a kid. [The Short Now.]
Yes, and Thursday, sunny thursday, the sidewalk was opening her legs, and I knew--you were in "the warmness of [my] brain" and I in yours. As now. [Gamboling.]
The network.
Wednesday sitting, couchsurfing, but before that, companionship.
---
One of those hard sits. There is no out. Am I going to ask for references to apply to the mariner school?
Stillness before that, before getting to that. That seemed all that was left.
But[, giving up,] companionship [, a memory, feeling of, companionship arrived?]. The energy there. The isolation. The solution is never any one relation but a social focus[? philosophy without love? How well the CS profile pages are structured.]. The built environment must be changed. If not changed, then laid, overlaid, perhaps with couchsurfing. I walk around, and am notified where truly "mi casa es su casa."
But couchsurfing came to me only later, after release, the focus on companionship [I shall walk and meet who's there? That is all?].
At home, logged on, the free internet worked, read the site. About their history, mission, working for them. Read my profile. My philosophy: just what I'd just done [arriving there I found the directions that got me there; remember: the profile was written prior to the TJ-Ensenada trip.]. Set my couch to 'yes' from 'travelling'. The magic was: Karin contacted me the following day.
---
So the energy of the [Internet] network in the car-centric transportation network-colonized (devastated by lack of sharing) urban space dominated by pavement, cars, the people who use them, isolated by their use.[. . . what about it?]
And my g-d! They found *me*! I tried to search for my own profile. Couldn't make it come up except by typing "carfree." If I typed 'dance', the search always hung. That was my best guess. Else: by date of last login. Maybe it was that.
So the same network angst occurs. Will they choose me? By default they should call when they know if they'll arrive Sunday or Monday. But I've heard no more after replying. . .
And such apparently energetic people, coming into this barren neighborhood from their euro-urb richness of Malmo. And into my lack of direction.
Did what I add to the profile scare them away? (a thought, to which there probably is no meaning beyond illustrating an odd fear of rejection)
---
Well the sit on Friday let that go. Either way they've had their good effect. To remember how energized I felt by the thought of their vitality finding mine, coming here, helping me out. Teaching me to couchsurf. . .
because, for me, there is some hardness about it. How to spend time with others. Marvelling now that I got to know Sara! How I respond to network-based contacts by distant friends. And---
---
Is that more or less the story? Is the message somewhat there. Ethan Hughes has left both cars and network, uses transit, postal mail nets.
---
The network holds out the promise of relation, but, disembodied, at a distance. My nature doesn't cope well? A framework for imbalance?
So walk and be with who's there?
As in the forest, this summer (how much that trip has changed me--seems more evident).
---
And Cinderella is a fairytale (tales of great devotion across distance are fairytales, this not the best illustration{, though I've missed people horribly intensely as recently as Quail Springs (last year)} but this is 'philosophy without love'? What says buddha, TNH? So What about what they say?).
And relationship? Sharing (read what the Brazilian in the couchsurhing leadership team has to say).
Sharing?
[what can I?]
---
0923 [rereading]
0951
and {streetcorner teambuilding. Often I'm the only pedestrian, wearing a vest, people ask me directions from their vehicles. The rainy day, the power out, phone out, the filipino[? A singing voice] home healthcare aide, short, in blue scrubs/nursewear, with umbrella wanting something, not clear, (seemed she needed to knock on more doors? To borrow a cellphone? . . . mine, $.25/min. . .) me: (after: "everyone's ok?") "I hope you find. . ." & walking away. . . "You." <<If this is a teambuilding challenge, I'm sitting out.>> Walked back half a block and found her. "Is there anything I can do to help?" She wasn't sure or clear. I helped her find a neighbor I had been pretty sure was home (most are not. Car-suburb emptiness.) I'd walked by his place so much, asked to pick the loquats, seen him building cabinets in his garage (pro), given him extra avocados from a tree further back on my walk, smelled the cigarette thickness coming from his open door, (on past passes) seen a little kid there, heard a woman's voice. He let her call from there. I asked, she said, I need not stay. Walked on. Did no more than say hi to the guy (she arrived just after he opened the door). Left wondering at my (reflexive? lack of gregariousness [shame?]).}
---
How Proustian, how In Search of Lost Time.
---
The story: no asking for reference letters. The Brazilian: relationships give you the goals you need. Into the limbs and warm brain of companionship? Why do anything other than this?
Will sew my pants. Swedes could arrive. Tomorrow. Will straighten place up.
Pants sewed, will leave to be homeless again? To meet whoever's there? May learn to be with others? Or will spend long dark nights?
---
leaving B unanswered (but there was no question). She writes back quick and the contact asks for contact, is in my mind, unless I wait it out and let the contact fade. I will see you again! I'm almost certain.
---
I do that. Remembering when I wanted any response from anyone
---
why should we leave where we are and arrange to meet? How could distant minds. . . resolve to trouble themselves to become in the same near space
---
to move---why are the swedes (she could be fooling, could be alone, doubt it, but a thought), coming from San Francisco to San Diego, not stopping in Monterey---SLO, etc. (SF is where the CS hq appears to be.)
We move for food and shelter.
What is it to be a friend with Ethan Hughes. You must be there or write him. Not sure he even has a phone.
He has a partner. Child.
---
What good [is all this typing]? People, get rid of the cars. If you can organize, get to SANDAG, elsewhere be a voice against them?
Live with friends?
Share?
How can I? Can I ever have that close comfort of a long partner? Thich Nhat Hanh.
Why did I stop?
---
Peace & Creative Love,
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