Jest: content mind (by) pretending to follow path. Path, however, (is) not goal; content is. [Contrary to UT neocon columnist: Not Happiness for your children, but Work Ethic, Values!]
Path: getting into SIU mariner training.
Steps:
(1) Write essay.
(3) Ask for three written character refs (hardest part [for me]. Want to have essay to give them [refs]. May develop templates for my writers; use template to write letter for my references so I can see what they might go through. Coming up with three not the easiest, given how little I work, socialize, but they are there.)
(2) Get dentist letter saying no work needed.
(4) Finish, send in app.
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(*) Finish sewing pants.
(*) Exercise, care for self, Adonisize
Today devoted to the last.
Have sort of neglected, abused body for months. . .
But was using it. Exploring range, possibilities. Leaving habits.
Well, (this is the) first week no refined flours. 195.2 lbs right now. Heavy, but with good stuff, and well exercised. Two times a day exercising is the main challenge, and leads to good.
Yesterday PM, managed to emerge, overstuffed (partly with OJ from gann I should have dumped)--but walked and swam, when body at first felt not movable, and was ok spry on the way back.
This AM, not energetic, but then managed to kata and even run a few hills.
This PM, probably the long Del Cerro walk across highway. [will I make it out? At least to cyn?]
A wonder that I'm into all this. Must I develop bad habits, enough overweight to get serious enough to address problem? [left ideal several times before because it was holding me in a life rut, though body nice. If no meaning, why then body?]
This time will I achieve and maintain ideal form. . . ?
Seems body, once rust is broken [thankfully seems I still can/may be able to break through the rust, clean the clogged arteries], could never get enough of sitting, stretching, lifting, dancing. . .
Diet: back on "imported yeast" (Kal and Gaylord Hauser/modernfearn.com same taste) ordered 7 * 28oz for $57 today.
and soaked 9-grain, cracked wheat.
and flax seeds--chew on them.
[and frozen whiting]
and daily green, other colors, [roots,] store bought, at the moment. The garden here would grow if they let it, but they pay Jake now to rake it to bare earth. Many beet and radish seeds have sprouted after the rain. They (Dad and Grandma Ann, or Dad at least) know it is stupid. I of course do very little here and wish to leave. . . so I say. Happy though to see the garden reseeds itself if neglected (beets grew two years, went to seed).
A sort of archaeology of past personal good habits is going on. . .
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Have been preoccupied with my friend, my neighborhood company and, well, well-- well. . . Imagine.
Images of . . .
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So I have (stubs of) relationship, career, family. . .
Is enough to keep the mind content enough so that it will care for body with exercise, diet, not turning to food as drug, pastime?
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Guess that is the general check in. Next up: the essay?
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If there were any more profound, less self-centered thoughts than these, they have to do with my interaction with my friend. . .
Such such such an odd game we play [progressive mutual throat-baring? -- bite or kiss? That's not it? Her greatest fear is fear of harm? Mine is fear of her attachment to me? {--were that attachment desperate/more than friendly? That is what I fear and she too? What of My own? What alternatives are there for me to this companionship- and sexual attraction-related motivation? Why worry about alternatives? Accept this as it is--.?}]. She mentioned striving for normal (to the barista). I'm about as abnormal as they get [overstatement, but how?]. . . dress, style, habit, not looking to fit in, but will on occasion. . .
But we're all we two have found in our neighborhood [little effort devoted to search. Neither have gone door-to-door. But she did use to work in small neighborhood store. I am persistent, patient, especially when I often walk by your house, it is easy to stop by, and you are more often friendly than not, . . . approachable than distraught]. She finds some more normal guys. . . but is aware how that is not a good thing, often [SD guys from the general pool].
Just noticing how time-filling, mind- and body-preoccupying it is to have her to think of.
{should she read this (doubt she will) will see self presented as weak. . . reinforcing her self-criticism? Doubt she'll be much concerned. . . She writes too, but not for me, and about what am not sure.}
[DNA inside me trying to get out goes a long way to motivating the rest of me. . . So, time to become hard-core vegan (fish vegan this time I think), perhaps will help kill libido. I do not really need {the suggestion from her that at long last, after several years, she not only considers herself lovable, but that . . . } to (in)capacitate me for days [as I once more resume] considering the possibility that has always (in)capacitated me whenever I begin to think it could happen. Much more peaceful, though less exciting, risqué (we really are playing with an odd situation {is it really that odd? As a long-term thing, for her(?), sort of. As compared to 50s idealized TV dinners--er, the ones eating them--YES!}) to have her say . . . ]
Realizing how joyfully mediocre, underachieving I may [finally] be (especially reading the _Rolling Stone_ David Foster Wallace post-mortem). [Only now accepting self as exceptionally not exceptional.]
Sad, a bit, that I may want to shut down public access to this blog. That will, I guess, but perhaps it won't, mess up the feed?
Can't write freely when HR could look this up? Or when wanting to work on ships? Or even when in training at SIU PHC?
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Cycle: focus on path/becoming: becoming mariner. Focus on body, exercise, diet. Focus on friend. Focus on art, literature, singing. Focus on stillness, sitting.
That's the life?
I'm leaving behind any ideas of being a leader [perhaps as mariner?], of being greatly virtuous [referring to scale, perhaps quality too]. I'm not [and I am/we all are? but to a lesser degree/avoided drugs/learned to sit?] a David Foster Wallace, not an Obama, not an Ellee, not a Poppa Neutrino. . .
Just a guy. Not an Ahab. . .
And that divine thing / or no need to say divine really / that transcending thing
still emerges in, through me
even though, even as
I focus on food, exercise, typing here, female friend, reading, sleeping, . . . relaxing, sitting.
Alex Steffen (worldchanging) really channels the transcendent much more. [not about 'who more' but about 'how all'? --About how we all channel the transcendent becoming.]
Who's to say?
Work ethic in my case: progress in applying to SIU PHC.
In Steffen's case, mobilizing for, visualizing, "bright green future."
And the work ethic of the transcendent emergent?
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Peace,
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