overload

<<Love, feel love, care for that feeling, keep it in. So you can smile. Smile. Talking, it goes away?>>


I'd love to write but how wrong this feels? Feels like I cannot write something I would want to read again.

horrible, grandma Ann energized

for me? All the voices. Do not like phone calls, emails, voices in the house?

[I've now escaped to L's. Only a cat and worms (from JM / enchanted garden) and smaller insects. None speak that I can hear. The cat watches from dark under sofa. (still there!)]

--writing here exaggerates.
Mom is sad I do not like to call--she did not say, but seems clear. I do not enjoy the check in, retrospectively, partly: ever I say the wrong thing for her. Not always, but one cannot really relax if interlocutor [my friends it seems a bit of magic that word came to me. Phrasal memory? Truly, in writing, begin, and find one can have a converstion with self.] is not at ease, is harmed by you.--and I am not where I like to selflessly call. . . as my dad does every Sunday for gann and me. I _could_ be there, and hold the conversation with only the other's happiness in mind, but have yet to try that.

I never want to call. Never?

only when I've walked all day and not seen a soul and wish some distraction from myself. Only then.

I will write though. And sometimes they will too. It may take me a while, but I will, and generally find the time meaningful. Even very.

So now it's here, it's written, and can tell others I'll only call when very lonely/ want escape from self?

Mom is in a quiet house in the country with only my sister and [her] husband a mile away, and because I never visit or talk, do not know how friendly they are--.

I imagine it is the isolation I'd feel if I worked in one place, lived in another--in a place by myself. As it is, my grandma and cat are there. And when she's gone--a sweetness, sort of. But how long till that would rub off.

---

using the phone to read blogs, felt a bit of unease. Now is time to spend with dad?
Well, he seems to be a buddha sort of. A happy soul these days when he did not used to be. (and healthy!)

---

well. I know I'm lucky to have these relatives. But I don't do the 'quality time-spending'? For me, it is bits of time here and there that add up if we live together. Or if we must go to hospital. If no live near, then write.

And L and occasional others? May be we can be near and appreciate presences, without doing or talking. Special trips rarely. Just the daily life.

The trap of the holidays becoming clearer? Relatives, special events, quality time. Sometimes that is realized.

Well. I'll not explain the trap.

How to act then if you know it? Run away? Savor loneliness at this time? Use it to be with whoever's near, however distant, the homeless guy in the park.

Do not travel.

Be alone.

Care for the pets or livestock of those who do not follow this voice.

Love, feel love, care for that feeling, keep it in. So you can smile. Smile. Talking, it goes away?

Believe I have some truth here, though it seems all life says the opposite. . . Believe I have some truth here.

Wherefore relatives? What do we share? Life examples? And that is what I have to give? And how much I have learned from housebound old women, once young pretties, about a possible way of being? Why are you out rushing aroung young pretties if this is where you'll end up? Alone in a house with a cat and a phone and a TV. And--

more time endless time endless endless time

the new young ones build communities though, live carfree, do not get stuck isolated (they rush around now to make that possible) [or join monasteries?]

----

wherefore relatives? More variety on the trail. Good to have the option, a christmas alone, one with them, or one with both as this one has been.

Again, no reverence here? Can I revere my mother, my dad, my grandmas, my grandad, my sisters, their husbands, uncles, aunts, cousins, aunt's dogs. . . aunt's grad students. . .

more than being a monk, helping one's relatives learn dharma--

must live it oneself.

No, I don't make them suffer by non-participation, non-contribution, non-travel, non-etc.

so we'll see

eventually I'll be out on my ear?

will there be another family there?

I respect my dad and his success and personal well-being and participation in the emergent culture. Should I make more of a point to know him, to spend time?

if any of them die, any regrets?

----
[the earlier, and not worth reading--except the Dostoyevsky--part follows.]
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A disconnecting day? Many voices.
Got on Internet, had been a while. Spent $44 on LED light--see delicio links. No need to spend so much, but that's done. Always I fear computer time. So easy to send emails, spend $$. And emails generate emails. Also: added $25 to phone this AM and paid for 200 msgs (-$5).

Talked to JM ( thesetruths.com ?). We had a phone date--215PM it turned out. Spoke about neighborhood doorknocking.

Then to my mom. Missed trip with dad and G Ann to Point Loma.

With deadline of the ninth to be at monastery [there is] a bit of pressure to get things done, get camping gear in order. May go up the day before and camp nearby to help begin the transition.

here's more from _the brothers k_, Dostoyevsky, A MacAndrew, trans.

------

"Raising up his soul from vileness
Reaching for his human worth,
Man must enter an alliance
With eternal Mother Earth. . ."

(Schiller's 'Hymn to Joy'?)

"But what makes it hard for me is that I don't know how I could possibly enter that eternal alliance with Mother Earth. I don't kiss Mother Earth, I don't plow her soil . . . Should I, then, become a peasant, a shepherd, or what?"

"And I was also instinctively aware that this little Katya was no innocent schoolgirl but a person with a strong character, a truly honorable young lady, and, above all, someone with both a good education and an acute intelligence, whereas I had neither."

"For the last time--there is no God."

"Well, for your information, Alexei, your dear brother is a low, despicable man."

"In his fervent prayer, he did not ask God to clear up his confusion, but only sought the rapture he always experienced in the glorification of God, of which his nightly prayers consisted."

"Here I've written you a love letter. My God, what have I done!"

"So, until we meet, until that *terrifying* moment,"

"Have mercy upon them all, O Lord. Save them, the unhappy and the tormented. Guide them onto the path that is right for each one of them, according to Your wisdom. You are love. You will bring joy and happiness to all . . ."

"What? You're leaving me now? So that's the way you are!"

"I'm *sorry* for him, and that doesn't go well with love."

"In a flash her expression changed and her tears vanished without a trace."

"Pay no attention to women's tears, Alexi;"

"The extraordinarily beautiful, gentle eyes of the crippled girl looked at Aloysha with infinite serenity."

"Well, in the evening I took my son out for a walk. I must tell you at this point that the two of us had been going out for a walk every evening before that, following roughly the path that you and I are taking now; from our gate to that big rock over there, see the one by the fence where the town pasture begins. It's a deserted spot and very nice."

[like to note some of the great pedestrian moments / settings in carfree lit.]

"You know, Alexei, twice before in my life I began to go mad and had to be put under medical care."

L: "And another thing, Alyosha, you'll have to do what I tell you, do you agree to that? That must be settled in advance."
A: [. . .]
L: "And that's just as it should be. Now, as for me, I'm prepared to give in to you not only on that most important point but on every point and in everything, and I swear right now that that's the way it will be as long as I live!"

"I've always thought that, before anything else, people should learn to love life in this world."

"But then, what about the children? How will we ever account for their sufferings?"

[reminded of Jensen's _The Culture of Make Believe_]

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so what makes a good day for me? A bit of socializing and exercise in morning and evening and the rest silent contemplation, reading, working on projects?

and, oh, was a bit on the verge of mania. Get excited having a future plan and telling some about it.

well. Beginning to prepare. Adds variety to the terrain, anticipating and preparing for challenge.

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peace & creative love,