<<there is something about the joyful reproduction or creation of culture that is at the root of any friendship or partnering--and at the root of my being so lost, so non-participating.>>
Sitting in quiet park (a special circumstance), facing low south sun, close hill with houses, bright grassy outfield, sparkled blacktop to my bare knees.
Will kata, yog, ballet soon, I imagine. It is 0916. First walkers and a dog now, 'Good Morning!', and I've been here a while. Bare foot in sun. Eileen the cat attacked that foot and the other one, not enough to damage. She spent the night outside.
Things are somewhat different now. Having a bit of a life plan. And even a reason to earn a bit.
Imagine I'll be somewhat more mindful, less dramatic, here and in the rest of life. Giving up, as it were, what has for me been a primary source of drama.
The memory of my own harmful-to-others(desire-[or something-]driven) mindlessness seems to be what motivates me to change--the fire I was wondering how to get on, the 'I need help'--and fortunately there was a place in mind believed helpful.
A lack of belief that two people outside of the sangha can do what needs to be done, can develop as is needed.
A seeing that peace must be every step, or you lose it, as I did. And can harm more than one's own self.
What this means for spontaneous, creative interaction? Well, I don't think, any more, I'll be going through that taciturn, too-cautious-to-speak-or-act (perhaps neo-buddhist) stage.
And how helpful or necessary is this memory of harm, this sense of possible harm?
I'm aware of how positive the quick play can be.
The harm was done after a loss, after a wished-for identification of the one harmed as self, and from a wish to change and control.
The harm was done [by me] to me [or to the relation], perhaps, far more than to the other[?], and the harm, now a useful feedback.
Not scoring points for coherence today perhaps. . . and what will become of this type of writing and publishing when I'm there at DPM?
I don't think I want to just sit. I think I'd like to keep this up, but probably could come to identify with other work.
I was concerned what I'd written here yesterday about family could cause harm. And causing harm, or potential harm, by writing here may continue to be an issue.
The main place where there may be harm by writing here is in interpersonal relations, close, intimate relations, where trust can be damaged.
And there are incidents of unhelpful speech I've left in old published pages. Some of the newer stuff too.
But so much / all of that shows my hypocrisy ['double-standard' is probably the more appropriate word]--wanting others to accept my difference or lack of culture while not accepting theirs. Every incident I recall seems to fit that statement,
And what of standards of care/treatment, of improvement, . . . pretty sure all that will still work and occur. [a leaving-behind of Jensen's 'culture of make-believe', of culture of self- and other-destruction?]
it remains to be seen whether this is a progression for me: Is this a point of growth I'll be able to look back on? Etc.
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I do think there is something about the joyful reproduction or creation of culture that is at the root of any friendship or partnering--and at the root of my being so lost, so non-participating. Were there no sangha. . . There is. Previously I was trying to see all things as the sangha. But the recent focus on working with others, on companionship, helps me to see I want to be with others who self-identify with the sangha, with their practices of mindfulness--that I do not wish to just trust in basic goodness and my own (attemps at) mindful practice to generate peaceful and creatively loving sangha wherever I go. My recent foolishness helped coffin that idea.
peace & creative love,
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[from yesterday afternoon and evening:]
Subject: 2009-01-09
Maybe I'll be at Deer Park Monastery that day for the start of a two-week retreat in a tent.
My remorse or embarassment at what I wrote L certainly helped me register (-$350). I need help. And looking over their web pages and how they've changed since I last visited: these are many good people doing good things.
There was a hint too of: I don't want life to be all happy-smiley. It won't be, even there. Maybe I can fit in with these good people and become a more helpful, positive person.
---
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, two weeks to sew, and may as well work on the maritime program app and refs. For now, though, a break? Read Richard Henry Dana or _Infinite Jest_? Eat? Will I walk long?
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2008-12-26-1739 Reading why Kate Gompert wanted to kill herself is calming oddly. My mind's been running. Been eating hurridly. Feeling a bit bad, down, but knowing it will pass. An impersonal xmas card[?]. Memories of other unmindful speech [a cause?]. Not wanting peace, wanting things to happen--(such as) a discussion and recognition of suffering.
Unmindful speech one of my greatest challenges. Time to end the experiment of writing and speaking out? That doesn't suit me now.
Needing help.
"I'd rather feel nothing than this." _Infinite Jest_
Not my case, but does get me considering what I'm feeling, what I've felt before.
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Peace, creative love,
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