Considering writing more often and making less of a deal. The short chapters in _Moby Dick_ are an inspiration. They are great; this more boring. I use this, perhaps, to have a self and a mind,
Tommy and Karin are coming! It is good to have reason to straighten, prepare.
Made it to the pool late yesterday. Did nearly full kata, yog, ballet. Swam well. Met another Melissa before I swam. In the men's locker room.
After swim, messages from Karin, B. A dialected CS request from Charly ( couchsurfing.com/people/irieitez
). ---------
hey colin,
waz up!? howz life..!?
i'm gud, still in colorado springs, visiting a gud friend of mine.
but dis place is really geting too cold, so on tuesday i'll be leaving for san diego. i'm actually planing on goin to san francisco for new years, to visit sme amazing people i just met on the train from ny to
denver, and from there leaving to new york again, but who knows what the future brings,...!
so, what do yu say!? u think u can host me for sme nights!?
thanks so much and see you maybe soon,
have a guud guud day,
jaly
by the way, how is da weather nowadays..!?
cu!
---------------- (have yet to get to see her profile on other than cell phone--no photos--thought she was a guy)
[B,] I was manic, mind fire, walking the route of stairs among the christmas lights, stopping myself, breathe, "Colin, you're not here at all." Look around. Nice.
Would Laurie be there? Love. She was. And not so well. And asked to do laying meditation to relax. It didn't work. . . But was a long time long time silent. Returning, put on relax CD. Time.
Harder for me to lay than to sit. Switched to sitting. Time. She went to bed. I checked my message from Karin--a had-been burr/pearl seed.
She revived. We walked to State through cyn. Playful. Told her about the new Melissa. Told me--- Returned. Responded to Karin by txt (try that first next time!). Had had to decide what to say.
Special.
Returned. . . Somehow was up till one. Ah txting directions to Karin. Sitting with grandma saw part of cat in the hat. She had grown a bit worried about visitors. Gave us a portapotty so no need to visit bathroom.
Turned couch availability to no--grandma said no more after these (she'll like it. . . Fine. Told charly no.) Told FNL about cs. I hope I did--a not usual method of sending the email.
And--
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disorientation. A bit of melancholy. Watching it. How to be at ease with visitors. So special for me. May become less fantastic.
This AM ? Reread T&K's profiles. Found contact jam monday night. Main one, Friday. Search on Eveoke Dance. Developed other schemes.
Decisions, fifty million? Where sleep how... Bus or trolley. Who knows what else. Peace.
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plan, finish straightening. Vacuum. Maybe walk to WF, get more sausage. And to walk the hill route. Kata, swim. NF (L).
Then with presence of T&K.
-----------
In AM paper, an article about Micha Cardenas ( secondloop.wordpress.com [have yet to visit] ). Even with the VR headgear on, believe I know this person as a him, michael? at the activist san diego house, and from Circle A summer camp at organic collective "roots of resistance".
Is the world telling me something? Melissa I knew as Casey or Carey. Yesterday s/he spoke more to me than almost all other times. Time to tell me the legal name. "truth will set us free". "we all have a story". Definitely looking better than when I first met . . .
Was very overweight. A self-described jesus freak. A thick pink towel wrapped around head like my mom after a shower. Breasts, but from the fat?
Much less overweight, but still the breasts, presses left one with left hand, "some of us have a story in us burning to get out."
Not so hard to talk to her, naked, there, Melissa with a penis--as with the friendly gay men. . . Wish to avoid eyeing their "boy parts" (an L term), but doing so seems to make it worse. Why is this so? They very much seem to wish to be seen. With Don--insurance investigator, 'my job: get people talking. Many love to talk about self'--I squatted, back to lockers and talked with him facing away, the wall. I like these friendly guys--have had many good gay friends. Sort of like being a cute girl, maybe--
Have often thought the emergent phenomenon of gender and sex (+ human social evol. ) is to motivate us to meet and learn from each other. . . On top of the attempts of DNA to reproduce itself.
Why such a large incidence of gay men (and even women--well just carmen, beverly [snakegirl.net - bi?]) as my friends, people I know. I and we all may be closer to same[. . .] Have tried mentally to be aroused by men I've felt love for--
And now gender reassigning. Remember seeing Mike/Micha dressed as woman on my way to Food Not Lawns meeting at ASD. Not looking too content. Smoking too much.
Else, s/he's quite masculine in form. Was a leader of the anti-minutemen clown army.
------
Tommy arriving, queer, self described. Karin, enthusiastic about that movement.
And I agree--creativity and positive culture comes from there--sandor katz, short mtn sanctuary, EV (on PCT), christian--radical faerie--'s guynecology circle.
---
Micha, in the article: some decide not to mess with hormones--'I want to be a fox' (not a female-gendered sapien) and online, can.
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Not sure there is anything to make of all this---
except it could (possibly) be great if binary gender segregation were not so enshrined. US among the worst (fear of nudity). Europe much better. Remember an old couple and a young buff, and so me too, swimming naked near the copenhagen airport--and other happenings.
here little kids freak out to see a naked man in the men's locker room.
---
so-- nothing to make of that, just de-binary the gender lenses. View it as spectrum with a generally binary distribution, + the gender switchers and the furries and the dragons + the queers. + various fetishes? + perhaps the no-sexuals (forgot the term) and the monks and nuns.
As to what your worth and potential may be, Melissa, Micha--seems clear the best we can do is encourage each to sense. . .
---
[?maintaining focus on feelings of]
peace & creative love,
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