returning?

I think I'll go back to Grandma Ann's house today. I don't have a good plan of what to do next and how to get out of there though.

I sort of want something good to do--like work in urban planning, something related to carfreeness, affecting public opinion, marketing, organizing. I read a lot of the Worldchanging blog last night--but was thinking that way before then.

I don't have a lot of faith in my ability to commit to something long-term. I still think I may go with or at least check out that sailor, redpillsailor, when he's ready to leave on his long trip.

Being here was healing in a way in that it nearly could be an urban environment that is humane. . . parts of it, and makes me want to participate in it rather than avoid it.

The monastery is another possibility. A very good one, perhaps. They specialize in humane environments--at least Deerpark seems to.

I will use up a lot of $$ if I go to Deerpark-$25/day, but perhaps I should.

The only other path seems to be urban planning somewhere--and most urban environments seem to too depressing to me to want to move around in, to want to try to help. The Worldchanging crew seems to be able to live in it and work to change it.

So, the monastery then? Register for a two-week retreat? -$350? Stay at Grandma Ann's until it is time to go?

Monasteries or sailing--two fairly carfree environments. By putting myself in either, I think I do help--

So I don't need to return to Ann's--I can arrange from here to visit the monastery, and only leave a bit before it is time to go.

But it is time to move somewhere.

Deer Park, Metta Forest, then? Sail? Would like to be with others working on something good--sailing a bit questionable that way, but fear needing to be buddhist without really believing in some of their guidelines (no meat [not all buddhists], no masturbation, who knows what else), needing to deal with the built-in conservativism Brother Stream and others mentioned.

Imagining myself returning to society, needing new clothes, new shoes, not yet quite ready to make my own, like Mike--well, I suppose I could. . .

But do feel that buying--and fitting in with establishment, say as urban planning Intern, could be a poor step--unless I was with Worldchangers, if they really are.

So, I can head back and research worldchanging-type jobs. Make my own shoes or something. I don't want to deal with the urban mistakes wherever those WC opporunities might be. . . want the world already changed. . . Sort of want to stay south of the US--

As you can see, I don't really know.

I guess I will just fall back into rut. Stop this questioning. Release it (following Theory U, Scharmer). Next step will be apparent or will happen to me.

So, why should I leave here? Reasonably comfortably I can hang out on this hill south of town, going down once a day for water, food, exercise. . . @$5/day or less. Can do cheaper at Grandma Ann's perhaps (no $$ for water, & less food buying because storage, foraging easier).

So that's the state of things. Pretty sure I'll be returning today. Tried to contact activist friend Jorge, to visit his garden, but haven't gotten any word back.

Peace,