Taking a moment in an attempt to be less mindless.
I don't really know what I'm doing, here's what's been going on. Got to reading mariners' blogs yesterday. Kiwi sailor quit one job because they didn't want a blogger on board. Another temporarily unpublished two years of posts.
Later I read a bit about human guinea pigs/clinical trials. Found the _guinea pig zero_ journal and, at bottom of their page, a link to a watchdog site. Found also slate's _Human Guinea Pig_ column by Emily Yoffe (sp?). Learned to spell "guinea", I think, as I've been learning to spell "diesel" and "license"--that right? Yoffe spent a day or two on an oil rig. She also did CR (calorie restriction), and links to crdiary.blogspot.com --perhaps someday I could be an eminently reasonable person like the author of that blog? What would that take? Why am I not already?
Before I did all that, I swam, did weights, kibbutzed (kibitzed--no) a bit with Andrea, Bill, Charles, Estella, etc. Thought a guy was having a stroke. Later he slipped in the shower.
Oh! I washed my clothes in a front-loading washer at a (Laurie-recommended)laundymat! (-$1.75. And it is a decent 'mat). Forgot to stick my hat in though, a main reason for going there: so the agitator in Grandma Ann's water-hogging toploader won't tear it up. They (SDG&E?) offer $175 rebates for buying new efficient washers by the way.
then went out back and found several pounds of expired shelled walnuts, a ripe canteloupe, microwaveable pepperoni pizzas behind Shop(Save?)-a-Lot. Later ate a few too many walnuts.
I watched my clothes get washed, 30min. Did not use a dryer. Considered how much washing is done (& water, energy, human time used). . . I had not put my clothes in a machine for nearly three months. Did rinse shirt & shorts & vest & socks by hand on occasion.
[a portable gas chamber (an old idling truck) rumbles nearby . . . fumes leaking in]
First computer thing I did was fiddle with the ad situation of this blog. Maybe fiddled with mturk too, but the ads here were the main thing.
I did consider what and how I might write that could bring in ad $$--or how writing for ad $$ affects writing in general, in blogs, newspapers, etc. Had no insights. I don't want to spend much time fiddling or networking online. Walking around, doing odd/interesting things, writing about them, adding pictures. . . could be an approach I would take. Yoffe, the human ginny pig does this (minus the pics).
But I'm more like the mariners, most who just write because they like to/need to. The three main personal bloggers I read had no ads (they have jobs--even if they choose to work only half the year).
The ads here are an interesting complement to the blog. There was a video ad for dentists yesterday. And an ad for compulsive eaters, sail crew, marine jobs. I'm not allowed to click on them though, though I might be the person most interested in them! Even writing about ads like this is potentially problematic, perhaps, given the terms of service. There is a tool I can download that lets me click them. Authors can even fiddle with the type of ads that appear, auction particular spaces for ads, get statistics by advertiser and ad space, and on and on.
Donations? Well--that would be a joke perhaps. I seem to be flailing around waiting to die sometimes. If I'm (if I were) homeless, is it because I choose to be? I don't need money I think. Need(?) something else. Simple engagement? Good to do? Do my thoughts extend to everyone? If I don't need donations, does anyone? How can anyone be helped if I'm a person who doesn't need help? [We all need help?
I seem to have an issue with having a self. I have a body, a name, people call me by it, an email address, I email my dad and he responds. Laurie talks to me. My grandma--well, at the moment, I live here. . . Any actual emotional attachment there? There's not? . . .
yesterday or earlier, got to babbling thusly:
(Title: Pretend I am in a company working with o
thers, sensing what needs to be done-- what needs to be done that I will do.
{or tribe, or nation. To get out of the first-person focus? To incorporate first person into a broader focus?}
to walk around, to live simply, to view that as 'working with others.'
be an example, hypothesis of how to live well earning, owning, consuming little. In this culture?
what is being done.
my identity: forgotten every day, the previous day's thoughts, except the aimlessness? What will I wake up to and not forget?
What will I wake up to and not forget?
The broader world marks the mind.
solid self evanesce)
the only thing I may wake up to and not forget is to not commit?, is to wander. To write?
]---------
A rejection. It is networking and action and service which gives people places in the world. I've done those things. But always, finally, recoil.
There is less unhappiness and desperation in me than there was a year or so ago, I think. I am closer and closer to productively free (vs the freedom of death)--I have that feeling. I have grown, exercised capabilities in need of exercising in the past months.
Where was I?
Later I got into looking at Metta Forest Monastery (donation-based and much smaller, more austere than Deerpark)--then a retreat site came up with retreat jobs, which referred back to wwoofing.
I also got to looking at shoes @ zappos.com -- 'Simple' brand, thanks to Laurie, aspiring green consumer, and in this case, opinion leader (or whatever the term is).
And of course wondering why I'm not making my shoes or barefoot like Mike, Elpel. . .
Seeking jobs or just walking away, shoes would be handy. Do I order them or find a store (Payless is down @ 54th, not a too horrid walk), buy whatever's there.
If job-seeking here in SD, need transit pass perhaps. Looked at that this AM.
Did read a bit more of Calvino's _Cuentos Fantasticos_ too.
---
I've fallen back into starting small. I got out the phone book and looked at temp companies. I started filling out an app to be a temp for SDSU.
Temp=minimal commitment, will not accept full-time work for longer than two weeks.
Why am I not seeking more challenge course work? I don't want to travel(?) And would like to work with a smaller group of people over the long term. . . Though I did have fun with that.
Why am I not bolder about wwoofing? . . . With interning at Camp Stevens?
who knows.
the only thing I seem to be doing is: filling out the computer app to be a temp at SDSU. I'll go to campus, where there's a better internet connection, to finish it.
I seem to be content with that. It may be a prelude to registering with more SD temp companies.
So I'm not exctly an independent person (anyone?). I'm looking to be told what to do, but do not want to commit to anything. Maybe I'll temp, until I get some new ideas. Look at Camp Stevens, wwoofing more slowly.
would I still go with redpillsailor when he's ready?
peace,
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