principles

The plan was to go to Long Beach, turn in the Coast Guard forms, camp out and/or visit Mike M. Perhaps stay away for the holidays.

Not to happen?

Laying on sofa looking out large-hot-tub--sized window, slim strip of skyline with a Mexican mountain in it, planes landing, floating over my toes, taking off to the left of my wrist, which is raised, holding this.

Read Alex Wilkinson's (?) book about Poppa Neutrino.

Getting route to Long Beach REC, logged on, read aboud suicidal GM Indian farmers--100,000? 10,000? 100 per month--I remember that.

Read about issues in merchant mariners' careers on GCaptain blog.

It is cool outside.

Poppa Neutrino--a caricature, an extreme manifestation of what I could be, helps me see a part of me, will?, more clearly.

At the moment, I do not want this element.

I want to ask the opposite of his question.

How can I live least remarkably? How can I spend the least time with indecision, uncertainty, troubling questions? What direction requires the least risk, commitment, effort, initiative? What brings me closest to the mental life of the large pine tree framing the right/west edge of the large window?

How long could I lay still?

May/probably will return to Grandma Ann's house. Will get the pages telling my fortune that Chef Jem copied for me from _The Secret Language of Destiny_, walking by the Enchanted Garden.

Saw Mariah yesterday, strong dose of attention, engagement, love, me unsure, burbling mind, breathed with steps, got to beach, got to library, got the book, the thought-churn, what did that, what does she ---, had subsided.

What's her name? Byron Katie? What happens if you let yourself go, fall, all the way? Lucky me: eventually my dad comes, moves grandma ann out to TN? The house I'm stuck in is sold. Maybe I go to TN and live in woods there.

Vision of the least remarkable (Neutrino style): the developmentally disabled on a Camphill farm, or, even less, in a Lemon Grove group home, taken to the Kroc center to exercise, wipe counters, windows.

Making no effort beyond a certain minimum to alter/affect any circumstance which occurs. Not accepting/taking responsibility. Needing prodding to move at all.

So, it's a game with the mind: what is the least movement, action necessary? How slowly can one move? What is the least?

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did think about the monastery again.

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principles. Mariah, where is this talk coming from?

It's just a sensing, a coming from directionless but past-informed stillness.

like neutrino.

Peace,

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Foil Jake has arrived, the yardworker I am not. Follows me from one grandma's house to another, does physical, social labor for pay. Friendly, a good guy.

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Playing in the cycles. The only criterium is in own mind as affected by nearby others.

The day proceeds. Can I go out and exercise? First cycle. If no, stay, read, eat until can.

then, walk, at the least, incorporating tasks, such as, walk somewhere to apply for work.

then read, sit still, eat, some or all of that.

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Grammie is having to tell my story on the phone, ". . . not gone to Long Beach."

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If I were to go, it would be first thing, which is why not today, was finishing the book.

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writing/not writing, part of the cycle too.

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What pushes me away from staying here, and from staying at gann's may contunue to do so. So, who knows, may be headed to LB 0830 tomorrow. This may be a feint, as with my finally crossing the border.

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may go tomorrow, return same day? Avoiding camping out? Not knowing where I'll sleep? Newness? Long dark cold?

the gCaptain blog post just reminded me that the mental questioning/dissatisfaction, uncertainty about direction just continues indefinitely

and sure, in the monastery too? [except that their focus should be to help contain and manage that]. So back to stillness, until I'm moved.

peace,