Grandad's 80th birthday was in November, 2000. And where was I? Stayed in Seattle? I found the birthday book my aunt Carolynn helped put together for him.
I am such a newcomer. And an example of culture dialectic.
I took some pics of the book. Time and aging and technology. urban change.
---
So, I escaped Grandma Ann's house yet again. How many more times will I have to?
Seemed like it took forever, but got to bed around 10, up at 430 and to Point Loma by 8, walking from the trolley 50 min.
Last night, bought new shoes (-$40+), 8 aluminum stakes (-$6), dri ducks rainsuit size L (-$15), about $65 total.
Got out of house carrying way too much, but bag was light, even so. Progress.
Wore the dry ducks last night but believe the condensation on inside made me colder. Well, as a result, I'm carrying a whole extra old 30-degree down bag (~3lbs?). Decided to go for comfort and for being prepared.
Food issues--clearing out the fridge. A theme the past few days: eating and knowing this is not how the monks eat.
A bit of sickness /soreness in the throat. Pitched the tarp here (Locust St), but took it down. Will sleep inside tonight. [Airplane noise. . . Partly,]
I hope at least to get some jumping in before dinner preparation (4pm).
My grandad put holes in his car's muffler with his dad's sample pick (mining tool) to make noise. [Once upon a time--pre 1950?]
He led a petition drive to repeal a non-discrimination in real estate law (Rumford Fair Housing Act) November, 1963.
He likes to wash and put away the dishes.
We also see the American/etc. culture of obesity, eating to death. [if you live long enough you get thinner again, but by then can't walk very well.]
-------
Hmm.
The "A rose for your pocket" experiment. My poor dad. I didn't get to tell him where it was coming from. He wasn't too relaxed beforehand, fidgeting. Don't know why. With Laurie, I got to tell her what it was from.
Later I realized neither attempt was by the book. There is an initial period of silent gazing. That could work with mom? Harder with my practice victims?
I see TNH and his monks as sort of facilitators for improving everyone's interaction and daily life--not primarily the 'team work' that challenge course facilitators tend to focus on. Yet what TNH targets is the root of all working together?
Still what he gets us/asks us to do is quite odd. And what does it mean when I ask, "----, do you know something? [. . .] Do you know that I love you?"
I sort of wince now, thinking of my attempts at practicing that. But it is different than the normal patterns. I see nothing obviously harmful in it. I did not do it without sincerity (definitely felt the love beforehand, but also, 'can I do it?' a personal challenge I often tend to go for, and also the public element of writing about it). It may be most useful in those cases where love has not as often been felt.
This seems complicated--'What's it all mean?'--that sort of complicated.
Soon, off I go to the monastery. At least on Thursday night I will be in a somewhat wild spot at night away from refrigerators and microwaves, and probably for at least two weeks after that.
There is a lot left to do:
[- post photos?]
- wash clothes
- finish sewing pants
- write Grandma Ann a birthday letter
- perhaps get or make a stuff sack for the other quilt I'm carrying.
- perhaps get a foam pad to sleep on since there may not be a bed of pine needles in the Deer Park Monastery camp ground.
- call mom
- figure out if I can take the express bus to Escondido (the 810?)
I have what is left of this day and tomorrow.
This order:
- pants
- birthday letter
- foam pad, stuff sack
- laundrymat
- mom
- bus
[- post photos, somewhere in there]
Leave early Thursday and return to the expansive time and freedom of homelessness. . . for much of Thurs, much of Friday. May get to read some more of something.
----
I am thinking of Melissa's "I think we could be good friends." I think we could too if the settlement [was: 'urban'] form we knew each other in was different.
In the (January 8? Dec 8?) _Fortune_ there was more detail on the new Masdar city (in United Arab Emirates?), carfree, with personal rapid transit (some carfree activists haven't been too keen on that).
I have no idea where I'm headed or how easy it is to become a monk. But as I leave the city, as I felt the conflict of saying goodbye to Laurie, to Melissa, and so on. . . And looking through grandad's 80th b-day book. . . I feel a bit of hope and relief I can leave this behind. Friends (and relatives joined by technology but) separated by urban [settlement] form (my friends could just be who is at the monastery where I am), and looking at women with desire--conflicted whether they hold back or act more lovingly than . . .
I don't know!
peace and creative love! Time to get some jumping in I hope.
the rest is just older short entries that didn't feel substantial enough for me to want to post them.
------------
[Tuesday, midday]
Now? Dad has gone, L arrived. I did my homework with both--the one TNH gave me in "Rose". That was the main challenge. Forbidding, as Zoima/Dostoyevsky's elder said of love. I saw Melissa the artist, Charles, Jose, at pool. No swimming, just jumped 30 min, and did part of kata, yoga, ballet.
Now? Getting ready to go is all. Previous hours have felt somewhat challenging. Now a bit of a lapse into something else? Reading paper, eating? May head to Point Loma now for good change, avoid some of overfeeding routine.
---
Mustard greens in yard now good eating.
On walk back from pool, a nice woman decided to smile at me--& got me to smile. That felt so nice.
I may be (hope to be?) leaving couple-love behind, and just do monk love. . . That seems to be the way, the serene smile.
wishing us Peace & creative love, may I appreciate many things and one, may I serve, and let's jump!
(I made my [~ultralight] rope out of plastic clothesline and drilled plastic bottle caps for [mini-]handles so the rope can spin.)
-----------
[Sunday night or Mon. morning]
Time to write? The main preoccupation is: "am I prepared?" It is a challenge to relax. Ate. Dad leave, L return. Last morning with cat. Sewing. _Young @ Heart_ [saw bits of that documentary--my dad rented it]. Jumprope. Lost cat, found. Need to call grammie. What prayer, what to focus on? Get up at 430, monastery schedule? Appreciate? Serve my servants? Peace and creative love? Say goodbye to dad?
let's jump.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
9:45 Sat. night; rose for your pocket
Tired, may be returning to life. I'll be leaving very soon--early Tues. to go to Point Loma to stay with grandad while grammie escapes. And from there, leave early Thurs. for Escondido, arrive monastery by 4pm Friday. Tomorrow, dad leaves, Laurie arrives.
Upon waking, a main topic for contemplation: TNH's "A rose for your pocket". I'd love to give the link, but may not go through the trouble. I believe it is on deerparkmonastery.org under "teachings". There you see a skillful communication intended to make a change (or to guide attention). And TNH is sometimes quite assertive in a fairly gentle but firm way [I'm thinking of other situations--live recorded dharma discussions, one in Vietnam--and about my friend's comment appreciating the quote "always choose humble love"]. A lot can be learned about the new way of writing and being I am looking for by considering "Rose" and other of TNH's actions. More on "Rose" below.
This morning I also got to fiddling with what has sprouted up in the neglected, raked-over, and sort of left-for-dead garden in the back yard where I've spent the past two nights. Removed some crabgrass, transplanted a perennial christmas lima bean vine. A fava and a pea have also sprouted up! There is a nettle patch! A potato plant is well along in a shady spot. The sweet potato vines are growing in many spots, perhaps a little damaged by cold. Weeded some milk thistle. Wonderful, wonderful to see how much is now growing there without being intentionally planted (in the spot it is growing. All those plants I planted at some point and now they have managed to propagate themselves due to people moving earth and natural reseeding). Many beets and mustards from the seeds of last year's plants. Garlic that was planted last year only now is really growing well. A wild garden. Its days may be numbered. But (some) food will grow if you let it (and help it get started), it seems.
----------
[from 9:45pm Sat. night]
Woke to drizzle, set up tarp. Later, got to using computer. Got a different translation of _The Brothers Karamazov_. Read TNH's new year's letter. Helped dad fix leak. He used a special tool to smooth the surface the washer presses against. There was a gouge in that surface. My fancy mini-headlight arrived. Visited Eileen (a cat). Read TNH's "A rose for your pocket." Cried. Need to learn this way of loving. What he asks for is difficult perhaps. His refrain, somewhat devastating. One can look at mothers critically. That is destroying G-d? I want to excuse myself. Was there never any value in that criticism? It was related to seeking independence. Until now I never knew a better way? Does any use remain for the goddess-killing / critical mind?
So now, to look at mom, dad, to love them? Did it with friends, with new friends even, taught it to others even (talent night at a Quail Springs permaculture course). But with my parents?
look for three breaths
hold hands & look for three breaths
hug for three breaths
the patterns in her (Galia Leon) are in others too and can be in me, though she leaves.
---
looked at tent stakes, shoes, raingear at Big 5. Returned home. Sewed. Went to Kroc, more jump rope. Returned. . .
Camping may be a distraction from the main purpose of being at the monastery, being with others.
Read the 14 Mindfulness Trainings.
"If you give your beloved what she does not need, that is not maitri[sp?]" (remembered from lost notes - from TNH's teachings on love).
---
Did not feel too good today. My dad appears quite fit, spry. Myself, entertaining self with food has multiple unhelpful effects--gums, ankles, knees, stomach and so on, issues with all of those perhaps related. New shoes? Loved sewing. Managed to keep moving.
Believe there is a lot a lot of wisdom to TNH's (and others') emphasis on doing things together with others, as a sangha.
Isolation, separateness a root cause of types of suffering.
did remember to ask how I can serve my servants--[and my behavior changed--I thanked a lifeguard, did not wait to be told 'pool's closed'.]
1022pm. Tired. Good night.
appreciative of many things and of this breath--
------------
Back to Sunday morning. I guess I've been stressing the body with the jumping. I feel like walking slowly not to agitate my joints. Looking forward to healing time.
appreciating many things and this breath,
peace and creative love,
how can I serve my servants?
"there are no have-nots, every one has what to contribute" ~ Vinoba Bhave (sp?) _Moved by True Love_
[thank you for your comment, I think on it:
the idea that what I write is already known, and the way you mentioned of serving with the prayer.]
-------
how can I serve my servants? (I am walking for my mother. My father walks. [TNH's new year letter])
appreciating many particular things [prayer?], and this breath
peace and creative love,
Upon waking, a main topic for contemplation: TNH's "A rose for your pocket". I'd love to give the link, but may not go through the trouble. I believe it is on deerparkmonastery.org under "teachings". There you see a skillful communication intended to make a change (or to guide attention). And TNH is sometimes quite assertive in a fairly gentle but firm way [I'm thinking of other situations--live recorded dharma discussions, one in Vietnam--and about my friend's comment appreciating the quote "always choose humble love"]. A lot can be learned about the new way of writing and being I am looking for by considering "Rose" and other of TNH's actions. More on "Rose" below.
This morning I also got to fiddling with what has sprouted up in the neglected, raked-over, and sort of left-for-dead garden in the back yard where I've spent the past two nights. Removed some crabgrass, transplanted a perennial christmas lima bean vine. A fava and a pea have also sprouted up! There is a nettle patch! A potato plant is well along in a shady spot. The sweet potato vines are growing in many spots, perhaps a little damaged by cold. Weeded some milk thistle. Wonderful, wonderful to see how much is now growing there without being intentionally planted (in the spot it is growing. All those plants I planted at some point and now they have managed to propagate themselves due to people moving earth and natural reseeding). Many beets and mustards from the seeds of last year's plants. Garlic that was planted last year only now is really growing well. A wild garden. Its days may be numbered. But (some) food will grow if you let it (and help it get started), it seems.
----------
[from 9:45pm Sat. night]
Woke to drizzle, set up tarp. Later, got to using computer. Got a different translation of _The Brothers Karamazov_. Read TNH's new year's letter. Helped dad fix leak. He used a special tool to smooth the surface the washer presses against. There was a gouge in that surface. My fancy mini-headlight arrived. Visited Eileen (a cat). Read TNH's "A rose for your pocket." Cried. Need to learn this way of loving. What he asks for is difficult perhaps. His refrain, somewhat devastating. One can look at mothers critically. That is destroying G-d? I want to excuse myself. Was there never any value in that criticism? It was related to seeking independence. Until now I never knew a better way? Does any use remain for the goddess-killing / critical mind?
So now, to look at mom, dad, to love them? Did it with friends, with new friends even, taught it to others even (talent night at a Quail Springs permaculture course). But with my parents?
look for three breaths
hold hands & look for three breaths
hug for three breaths
the patterns in her (Galia Leon) are in others too and can be in me, though she leaves.
---
looked at tent stakes, shoes, raingear at Big 5. Returned home. Sewed. Went to Kroc, more jump rope. Returned. . .
Camping may be a distraction from the main purpose of being at the monastery, being with others.
Read the 14 Mindfulness Trainings.
"If you give your beloved what she does not need, that is not maitri[sp?]" (remembered from lost notes - from TNH's teachings on love).
---
Did not feel too good today. My dad appears quite fit, spry. Myself, entertaining self with food has multiple unhelpful effects--gums, ankles, knees, stomach and so on, issues with all of those perhaps related. New shoes? Loved sewing. Managed to keep moving.
Believe there is a lot a lot of wisdom to TNH's (and others') emphasis on doing things together with others, as a sangha.
Isolation, separateness a root cause of types of suffering.
did remember to ask how I can serve my servants--[and my behavior changed--I thanked a lifeguard, did not wait to be told 'pool's closed'.]
1022pm. Tired. Good night.
appreciative of many things and of this breath--
------------
Back to Sunday morning. I guess I've been stressing the body with the jumping. I feel like walking slowly not to agitate my joints. Looking forward to healing time.
appreciating many things and this breath,
peace and creative love,
how can I serve my servants?
"there are no have-nots, every one has what to contribute" ~ Vinoba Bhave (sp?) _Moved by True Love_
[thank you for your comment, I think on it:
the idea that what I write is already known, and the way you mentioned of serving with the prayer.]
-------
how can I serve my servants? (I am walking for my mother. My father walks. [TNH's new year letter])
appreciating many particular things [prayer?], and this breath
peace and creative love,
Friday, January 2, 2009
silence; data; metamorphose; reproduce
I exercised for a long time today. Did some jump rope too. In the locker room met Bob who works in the pet store near the house. Returned, ate, and got to reading "Practicing at Deer Park Monastery" and "Walking Sangha" (something I wrote in June 2007--I believe it is in the links of the blog). I took many notes. I wanted check the monastery schedule, so turned on computer, and then decided to back up phone data.
My many notes from today were lost! I've never had a problem losing data before. The problem was, I believe, I left the message open, and had never saved it prior to attempting the backup, which had problems.
But the main message of the notes is: what I'm about to begin on (with the retreat at DPM) will probably be hard and personality-changing. At the least it should be habit-changing.
Some of the notes were from the 5 mindfulness trainings. No killing, stealing, sex, speaking (unmindfully), eating unmindfully. Those ideas expanded upon.
No speaking from after evening meditation until after breakfast. And generally you don't need to speak much. It is best to talk during dharma discussions when procedures are in place to enable mindful speaking and listening.
If you hear a bell, focus on your breathing for three breaths.
Chew each bite 30 times. No speaking in the first 20 minutes of each meal. No eating until all are served.
This is not the spirit of the trainings, but their effect.
---
Perhaps, as in Goenka's meditation training, writing and reading could be discouraged.
---
I plan to start sleeping outside tonight or tomorrow so I can be sure I'll have what I need to be comfortable camping.
---
I do feel this is the end of an old self. The beginning of something different. The community, frames of reference, any social comparison, routines and habits, will all be different.
---
In my notes were many concrete practices and helpful ideas for speaking & acting more mindfully. It would have been good to review them.
---
"Dad, isn't this soup fantastic!" was an example of a positive, non-divisive, food-focused thing to say at a mealtime.
It has taken my awareness of my own fallibility to be able to accept the idea of moving in such a blissfully happy[-structured, some might say 'unfree' (though others just the opposite)] direction.
In the past my feeling has been, perhaps: isn't life like that somehow dishonest? incomplete? [can't I make a go of it 'in the world'?]
---
This may be the beginning of the end of this self, of me writing here, of who knows what else.
What aspects of the old self will be carried forward?
-----
2040 returned from visit to cat. Here are some of the [memories of the] notes.
no killing, stealing, etc. applies to animal, plants, and minerals. Protect their lives, work for their well-being.
no sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment.
speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope.
"confusion" among other things, is something to be transformed through mindful consumption/diet.
---
much to live up to.
All in all: what TNH represents and teaches is worth reproducing. There are many other things worth reproducing. Many other things worth creating [/ modifying].
---
Peace and creative love,
My many notes from today were lost! I've never had a problem losing data before. The problem was, I believe, I left the message open, and had never saved it prior to attempting the backup, which had problems.
But the main message of the notes is: what I'm about to begin on (with the retreat at DPM) will probably be hard and personality-changing. At the least it should be habit-changing.
Some of the notes were from the 5 mindfulness trainings. No killing, stealing, sex, speaking (unmindfully), eating unmindfully. Those ideas expanded upon.
No speaking from after evening meditation until after breakfast. And generally you don't need to speak much. It is best to talk during dharma discussions when procedures are in place to enable mindful speaking and listening.
If you hear a bell, focus on your breathing for three breaths.
Chew each bite 30 times. No speaking in the first 20 minutes of each meal. No eating until all are served.
This is not the spirit of the trainings, but their effect.
---
Perhaps, as in Goenka's meditation training, writing and reading could be discouraged.
---
I plan to start sleeping outside tonight or tomorrow so I can be sure I'll have what I need to be comfortable camping.
---
I do feel this is the end of an old self. The beginning of something different. The community, frames of reference, any social comparison, routines and habits, will all be different.
---
In my notes were many concrete practices and helpful ideas for speaking & acting more mindfully. It would have been good to review them.
---
"Dad, isn't this soup fantastic!" was an example of a positive, non-divisive, food-focused thing to say at a mealtime.
It has taken my awareness of my own fallibility to be able to accept the idea of moving in such a blissfully happy[-structured, some might say 'unfree' (though others just the opposite)] direction.
In the past my feeling has been, perhaps: isn't life like that somehow dishonest? incomplete? [can't I make a go of it 'in the world'?]
---
This may be the beginning of the end of this self, of me writing here, of who knows what else.
What aspects of the old self will be carried forward?
-----
2040 returned from visit to cat. Here are some of the [memories of the] notes.
no killing, stealing, etc. applies to animal, plants, and minerals. Protect their lives, work for their well-being.
no sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment.
speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope.
"confusion" among other things, is something to be transformed through mindful consumption/diet.
---
much to live up to.
All in all: what TNH represents and teaches is worth reproducing. There are many other things worth reproducing. Many other things worth creating [/ modifying].
---
Peace and creative love,
tone; reverence, function, critical mind
<<I am writing now to revere? This writing is my prayer and education? When I think of others it is to appreciate them and to ask how to help rather than to be witty or critical?>>
<<"Do not forget to pray, my boy. If your prayers are truly sincere, every day a new fervor will appear, a new thought of which you were unaware before, and that will give you new strength. You will understand then that prayer is education.">>
<<"responsive, active, and grateful love which was now beyond their power forever."
"They feed on their evil pride,"
"they refuse to be forgiven"
"They demand of God that He destroy Himself as well as all His creation."
"And they shall burn in the fire of their own rage forever and ever, always yearning for death and non-existence. But they shall not find death . . . ">>
Good Morning! I'm out of the house, at L's, I am being more thoughtful now.
The theme I began last night was tone. I'm seeking to leave behind a tone or style which has elements I did not enjoy remembering. In remembering these elements I feel unease--that writing that way does not help me love or be at peace (except to the extent such writing exposes areas for improvement).
Already, I've revised the lines above to eliminate elements of the old style. Statements about what I might do became descriptions of what I am doing ('can be more thoughtful' -> 'am being more thoughtful'). I've resisted criticising oddness in my writing, resisted a sort of witty-making-fun-of self (which then I tended to turn on others).
I am writing now to revere? This writing is my prayer and education? When I think of others it is to appreciate them and to ask how to help rather than to be witty or critical?
The elements of yesterday--let me consider them, revere them? Now this is bordering on over-use of 'revere', but I am testing 'revere' as an organizing principle.
Josh Robinson ( quakingaspenpermaculture.blogspot.com ?) is in town again. He's leading rainwater harvesting workshops for which he charges $150 to attend. In the two short weeks he's here he'll complete at least two installations at two sites of rainwater harvesting tanks and earthworks and be paid well for his work and his teaching. I revere that. The old tone or style would now tend to look at myself and to ask why I am not doing something as wonderful. The new tone? Just reveres his wonderful work?
We have a leaky faucet in Grandma Ann's garage. I mention to my dad that two previous attempts to make it not leak have not been successful. I ask for tips in case I want to try to fix it. He says it is easy to do, perhaps we must replace the washers more often. I revere his ability. If I'm not around he may just fix it on his own, but I hope to be around.
Yesterday evening dad got to sharing his exercise routine and plans. He jogged three miles yesterday! (aha: I was about to write how I haven't run that far perhaps for years now. But let's just revere what he's done and how he worked up to it on a treadmill at his work, a half-hour at a time, 10-minute miles, then faster, listening to mp3 audio books.) He'll alternate with a half-hour jump-rope workout today probably. He got a video on jump-rope workouts some time ago. He showed me his rope: just a quarter-inch smooth vinyl cord, and told me how to fit it: handles come to armpits when standing on the rope. [he also reads the UC Berkeley health newsletter and has kept Grandma Ann subscribed to that and to _Nutrition Action_(?) for years now.]
I value the change in the writing so far and the corresponding change in mind. Instead of puzzling over what doesn't feel right about this post after having published it, perhaps now I'll be looking for things to revere and asking how I can serve those who come in front of me[/who appear before me/before whom I appear]. How can I serve my dad? Grandma Ann? Eileen the cat? Laurie, who's gone? Can I, in addition to writing, praying[?], self-educating here, serve the others besides me who come across this and read a bit of it?
Is anything beneficial lost with this change in approach?
My dad rented the DVD Wall-E and I watched it with him and Grandma Ann last night. G. Ann didn't like it, she fell asleep. When I lived with my parents my dad would rent odd movies (Friday nights?) and I would sort of half-watch, never sitting down, never wanting to fully give myself over, happy for any aspect of the video that made it easy to walk away.
Yesterday, reading _The Brothers K_, I also got to watching for an opportunity to release myself from it. Finally a chapter ending came in which there was no strong foreshadowing of unresolved drama. How wonderful it is when authors help us put down the book, stop reading, and reflect on what we've read and on our lives. I believe such restraint on the author's part also shows a confidence that the reader will return, that the book will not be put down for good. _Moby Dick_ was like this. A bit could be read, and then I was returned to life, to further develop my own narrative rather than to escape it.
My exercise yesterday was the walk to the hill over Lake Murray and to shop at Windmill Farms (-$18), in very nice weather, and the first time I've done that walk in the daylight in a long time.
I've not visited dumpsters for a while. I have such a supply of various things I do not need anything more (especially since I'm leaving next Thursday or Friday[, and since all the wild greens are now growing]). And getting 8oz of sour cream every other day, eating a bit of it at a time, really seems [so far] to help me prevent endless eating while also avoiding the possibility of eating too much sour cream at once.
----[from Thursday night:]-------
There is another way to write and another way to live. I'm not sure what it is--I'll look out for it though.
It has to do with underlying purpose.
I don't think there really has been an underlying purpose here other than to enjoy writing. (Well, 'to be more mindful,' that has been an underlying purpose.) And the parallel attitude to life: how can I enjoy living?
Another purpose: to have a mind. If I don't write here it seems I don't think (anywhere near as meaningfully as I do here). And it also feels like I haven't lived unless I've thought about living? My writing here seems to move me on to new contemplations. I spent much of the day half-wondering why I didn't like the tone, personality, or something of parts of the last post. 'young pretties' stands out, as do the content of writing about call with mom, unease with phone calls. There's a lot there suggesting lack of love? or a need for further development of some kind? I was presenting a self there I couldn't really look up to. There was something ungodly / anti-god in the attitude of the post (see quotes below). I've also been half-questioning what is a good way to write when at the monastery. There is a chance the people there will be family--
So, for now: be on the lookout for a better purpose in writing (and living)?
to glorify god? To help others? To no longer be an independent person conversing with Himself?
[so, there, the lack of reverence and the wittiness is creeping in--isn't there a tone of deeper interest I can adopt?]
To love?
To ask how I can help each person who comes before me? To say that as a prayer?
2151 very tired. Must continue later.
---
[From _The Brothers Karamazov_, Dostoyevsky; A MacAndrew, trans.]
"Life will bring you many hurts and pains, but it is in them that you will find happiness, and you will bless your life and make other men bless their lives, which is the most important thing."
"Life is paradise;"
"every one of us is answerable for everyone else and for everything."
"look around you and see all the things God has given us: look at the clear sky, at the air that is so transparent, at the tender grass and at the birds, at the beauty of immaculate and sinless nature, in which we are the only stupid, godless creatures who do not understand that life is a heaven."
"'What isolation?'"
"among monks, there are many parasites, gluttons, voluptuaries, and shameless beggars."
"Yet there are so many meek, humble monks who yearn only for solitude and quietness, where they can abandon themselves to their ardent prayers."
"The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder;"
"Giving dinners, riding in private carriages, occupying high social positions,"
"when more material goods have been accumulated than ever, there is less joy."
"And why shouldn't I be my servant's servant?"
"instead of wanting to turn other human beings into servants, a man will strive to become the sevant of others,"
"Do not forget to pray, my boy. If your prayers are truly sincere, every day a new fervor will appear, a new thought of which you were unaware before, and that will give you new strength. You will understand then that prayer is education."
"Repeat to yourself every day and as often as you can: 'O Lord, have mercy on all those who will appear before You today.'" [read as 'before me' until typed in]
"Love man in his sin"
"love every atom of it separately, and love it also as a whole;"
"Always choose humble love,"
"Every day, every hour, every moment, examine yourself closely and see that your appearance is seemly. You may, for instance, pass a small child;"
"learning to love is hard [. . .] it is not just for a moment that we must learn to love, but forever."
"all things flow and are indirectly linked together,"
"you will pray to the birds, too."
"rejoice for the righteous and be happy, for, although you have sinned, they have not."
"you were guilty yourself for having failed to show the light to the wicked, as a man without sin could."
"the light you shed will remain."
"work for its future."
"When you find yourself alone, pray. Learn to enjoy prostrating yourself and kissing the earth."
"it is the suffering of one who can no longer love."
"those who have loved him but whose love he has scorned."
"responsive, active, and grateful love which was now beyond their power forever."
accepting love "along with the impossibility of their responding to it,"
"hell is voluntary and unending."
"They feed on their evil pride,"
"they refuse to be forgiven"
"They cannot behold the living God without hatred."
"They demand of God that He destroy Himself as well as all His creation."
"And they shall burn in the fire of their own rage forever and ever, always yearning for death and non-existence. But they shall not find death . . . "
"Well, whatever it is, vodka or salami, this is great"
"But it's not because of you, Rakitin--you're just a mushroom."
"he was weeping with ecstacy,"
"he rose a strong and determined fighter."
Book VIII: Mitya
Chapter 1: Kuzma Samsonov [read up to this point]
how can I help this person?
How can I serve my servants?
---
peace & creative love,
<<"Do not forget to pray, my boy. If your prayers are truly sincere, every day a new fervor will appear, a new thought of which you were unaware before, and that will give you new strength. You will understand then that prayer is education.">>
<<"responsive, active, and grateful love which was now beyond their power forever."
"They feed on their evil pride,"
"they refuse to be forgiven"
"They demand of God that He destroy Himself as well as all His creation."
"And they shall burn in the fire of their own rage forever and ever, always yearning for death and non-existence. But they shall not find death . . . ">>
Good Morning! I'm out of the house, at L's, I am being more thoughtful now.
The theme I began last night was tone. I'm seeking to leave behind a tone or style which has elements I did not enjoy remembering. In remembering these elements I feel unease--that writing that way does not help me love or be at peace (except to the extent such writing exposes areas for improvement).
Already, I've revised the lines above to eliminate elements of the old style. Statements about what I might do became descriptions of what I am doing ('can be more thoughtful' -> 'am being more thoughtful'). I've resisted criticising oddness in my writing, resisted a sort of witty-making-fun-of self (which then I tended to turn on others).
I am writing now to revere? This writing is my prayer and education? When I think of others it is to appreciate them and to ask how to help rather than to be witty or critical?
The elements of yesterday--let me consider them, revere them? Now this is bordering on over-use of 'revere', but I am testing 'revere' as an organizing principle.
Josh Robinson ( quakingaspenpermaculture.blogspot.com ?) is in town again. He's leading rainwater harvesting workshops for which he charges $150 to attend. In the two short weeks he's here he'll complete at least two installations at two sites of rainwater harvesting tanks and earthworks and be paid well for his work and his teaching. I revere that. The old tone or style would now tend to look at myself and to ask why I am not doing something as wonderful. The new tone? Just reveres his wonderful work?
We have a leaky faucet in Grandma Ann's garage. I mention to my dad that two previous attempts to make it not leak have not been successful. I ask for tips in case I want to try to fix it. He says it is easy to do, perhaps we must replace the washers more often. I revere his ability. If I'm not around he may just fix it on his own, but I hope to be around.
Yesterday evening dad got to sharing his exercise routine and plans. He jogged three miles yesterday! (aha: I was about to write how I haven't run that far perhaps for years now. But let's just revere what he's done and how he worked up to it on a treadmill at his work, a half-hour at a time, 10-minute miles, then faster, listening to mp3 audio books.) He'll alternate with a half-hour jump-rope workout today probably. He got a video on jump-rope workouts some time ago. He showed me his rope: just a quarter-inch smooth vinyl cord, and told me how to fit it: handles come to armpits when standing on the rope. [he also reads the UC Berkeley health newsletter and has kept Grandma Ann subscribed to that and to _Nutrition Action_(?) for years now.]
I value the change in the writing so far and the corresponding change in mind. Instead of puzzling over what doesn't feel right about this post after having published it, perhaps now I'll be looking for things to revere and asking how I can serve those who come in front of me[/who appear before me/before whom I appear]. How can I serve my dad? Grandma Ann? Eileen the cat? Laurie, who's gone? Can I, in addition to writing, praying[?], self-educating here, serve the others besides me who come across this and read a bit of it?
Is anything beneficial lost with this change in approach?
My dad rented the DVD Wall-E and I watched it with him and Grandma Ann last night. G. Ann didn't like it, she fell asleep. When I lived with my parents my dad would rent odd movies (Friday nights?) and I would sort of half-watch, never sitting down, never wanting to fully give myself over, happy for any aspect of the video that made it easy to walk away.
Yesterday, reading _The Brothers K_, I also got to watching for an opportunity to release myself from it. Finally a chapter ending came in which there was no strong foreshadowing of unresolved drama. How wonderful it is when authors help us put down the book, stop reading, and reflect on what we've read and on our lives. I believe such restraint on the author's part also shows a confidence that the reader will return, that the book will not be put down for good. _Moby Dick_ was like this. A bit could be read, and then I was returned to life, to further develop my own narrative rather than to escape it.
My exercise yesterday was the walk to the hill over Lake Murray and to shop at Windmill Farms (-$18), in very nice weather, and the first time I've done that walk in the daylight in a long time.
I've not visited dumpsters for a while. I have such a supply of various things I do not need anything more (especially since I'm leaving next Thursday or Friday[, and since all the wild greens are now growing]). And getting 8oz of sour cream every other day, eating a bit of it at a time, really seems [so far] to help me prevent endless eating while also avoiding the possibility of eating too much sour cream at once.
----[from Thursday night:]-------
There is another way to write and another way to live. I'm not sure what it is--I'll look out for it though.
It has to do with underlying purpose.
I don't think there really has been an underlying purpose here other than to enjoy writing. (Well, 'to be more mindful,' that has been an underlying purpose.) And the parallel attitude to life: how can I enjoy living?
Another purpose: to have a mind. If I don't write here it seems I don't think (anywhere near as meaningfully as I do here). And it also feels like I haven't lived unless I've thought about living? My writing here seems to move me on to new contemplations. I spent much of the day half-wondering why I didn't like the tone, personality, or something of parts of the last post. 'young pretties' stands out, as do the content of writing about call with mom, unease with phone calls. There's a lot there suggesting lack of love? or a need for further development of some kind? I was presenting a self there I couldn't really look up to. There was something ungodly / anti-god in the attitude of the post (see quotes below). I've also been half-questioning what is a good way to write when at the monastery. There is a chance the people there will be family--
So, for now: be on the lookout for a better purpose in writing (and living)?
to glorify god? To help others? To no longer be an independent person conversing with Himself?
[so, there, the lack of reverence and the wittiness is creeping in--isn't there a tone of deeper interest I can adopt?]
To love?
To ask how I can help each person who comes before me? To say that as a prayer?
2151 very tired. Must continue later.
---
[From _The Brothers Karamazov_, Dostoyevsky; A MacAndrew, trans.]
"Life will bring you many hurts and pains, but it is in them that you will find happiness, and you will bless your life and make other men bless their lives, which is the most important thing."
"Life is paradise;"
"every one of us is answerable for everyone else and for everything."
"look around you and see all the things God has given us: look at the clear sky, at the air that is so transparent, at the tender grass and at the birds, at the beauty of immaculate and sinless nature, in which we are the only stupid, godless creatures who do not understand that life is a heaven."
"'What isolation?'"
"among monks, there are many parasites, gluttons, voluptuaries, and shameless beggars."
"Yet there are so many meek, humble monks who yearn only for solitude and quietness, where they can abandon themselves to their ardent prayers."
"The result for the rich is isolation and suicide, for the poor, envy and murder;"
"Giving dinners, riding in private carriages, occupying high social positions,"
"when more material goods have been accumulated than ever, there is less joy."
"And why shouldn't I be my servant's servant?"
"instead of wanting to turn other human beings into servants, a man will strive to become the sevant of others,"
"Do not forget to pray, my boy. If your prayers are truly sincere, every day a new fervor will appear, a new thought of which you were unaware before, and that will give you new strength. You will understand then that prayer is education."
"Repeat to yourself every day and as often as you can: 'O Lord, have mercy on all those who will appear before You today.'" [read as 'before me' until typed in]
"Love man in his sin"
"love every atom of it separately, and love it also as a whole;"
"Always choose humble love,"
"Every day, every hour, every moment, examine yourself closely and see that your appearance is seemly. You may, for instance, pass a small child;"
"learning to love is hard [. . .] it is not just for a moment that we must learn to love, but forever."
"all things flow and are indirectly linked together,"
"you will pray to the birds, too."
"rejoice for the righteous and be happy, for, although you have sinned, they have not."
"you were guilty yourself for having failed to show the light to the wicked, as a man without sin could."
"the light you shed will remain."
"work for its future."
"When you find yourself alone, pray. Learn to enjoy prostrating yourself and kissing the earth."
"it is the suffering of one who can no longer love."
"those who have loved him but whose love he has scorned."
"responsive, active, and grateful love which was now beyond their power forever."
accepting love "along with the impossibility of their responding to it,"
"hell is voluntary and unending."
"They feed on their evil pride,"
"they refuse to be forgiven"
"They cannot behold the living God without hatred."
"They demand of God that He destroy Himself as well as all His creation."
"And they shall burn in the fire of their own rage forever and ever, always yearning for death and non-existence. But they shall not find death . . . "
"Well, whatever it is, vodka or salami, this is great"
"But it's not because of you, Rakitin--you're just a mushroom."
"he was weeping with ecstacy,"
"he rose a strong and determined fighter."
Book VIII: Mitya
Chapter 1: Kuzma Samsonov [read up to this point]
how can I help this person?
How can I serve my servants?
---
peace & creative love,
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