To have text to ponder on a walk. Rather hard today. My visitors left today, were gone most of yesterday. The contrast between us was a bit hard for me, but perhaps it was the weather, grandma's fretting--can't have couchsurfers here--she likes to worry; they give her more. Or just my own fretting, caring, mom-like-ness.
Well! Good that I'm at the point of writing. Was feeling so trapped. But am now working on the character references again. I made progress sewing--am now ready to sew the pants legs together.
The biggest oddness and hurt, probably, self-afflicted. Two days ago, I believe, stopped by L's and other suitor Tom was there, a good guy, could not help loving him for loving her, sharing a wrap (cucumber, middle east; goat cheese; other greens + mango cubed) she made. So, that was fine.
Affected by my visitors perhaps, who live in collective houses (residents have shared goals, projects, spaces), being left to myself by them, got to considering on my walk. At any event, managed to ask L if she thought it would be good if we made more of a commitment to each other--'spending more time together' was a way she interpreted it.
She was encouraging. It was a rather intensely focusing full of a sense of meaning interaction. Here's a visual memory of it, played with:
A clock stopped at 5:05:45 on a light green green yellow wall.
---
Well. From my memory--now that I recall--any conversation or thought like that is a sure way to knot myself. Start to think the thing serious, try to see how I could be a serious male partner--well that's the end of any complacency I had.
So now what? Well, a walk, then a visit.
This dead end. Possibilities: a visit to HueHueacoytl(sp?) ecoaldea to the south. Don't feel like setting off wandering again in cold, rain, dark.
I feel the future challenge is to make a commitment to a collective of people perhaps. Will be looking out for this. Not sure what my role with L can be[/should be/will be--without the 'should']. Even thought of running goats in canyons. As it is---
[I feel like the filipina homehealthcare woman who couldn't say what help she needed, but someone managed to come up with an action she found helpful.
What help would I value that I am clueless how to ask for or find?]
I seem to have a general sanguinity. How do I mess it up? Social comparison with visitors (unintentional)/ experience of difference/ otherness?
That was the main event.
Peace & creative love,
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
nothing profound; furries
Considering writing more often and making less of a deal. The short chapters in _Moby Dick_ are an inspiration. They are great; this more boring. I use this, perhaps, to have a self and a mind,
Tommy and Karin are coming! It is good to have reason to straighten, prepare.
Made it to the pool late yesterday. Did nearly full kata, yog, ballet. Swam well. Met another Melissa before I swam. In the men's locker room.
After swim, messages from Karin, B. A dialected CS request from Charly ( couchsurfing.com/people/irieitez
). ---------
hey colin,
waz up!? howz life..!?
i'm gud, still in colorado springs, visiting a gud friend of mine.
but dis place is really geting too cold, so on tuesday i'll be leaving for san diego. i'm actually planing on goin to san francisco for new years, to visit sme amazing people i just met on the train from ny to
denver, and from there leaving to new york again, but who knows what the future brings,...!
so, what do yu say!? u think u can host me for sme nights!?
thanks so much and see you maybe soon,
have a guud guud day,
jaly
by the way, how is da weather nowadays..!?
cu!
---------------- (have yet to get to see her profile on other than cell phone--no photos--thought she was a guy)
[B,] I was manic, mind fire, walking the route of stairs among the christmas lights, stopping myself, breathe, "Colin, you're not here at all." Look around. Nice.
Would Laurie be there? Love. She was. And not so well. And asked to do laying meditation to relax. It didn't work. . . But was a long time long time silent. Returning, put on relax CD. Time.
Harder for me to lay than to sit. Switched to sitting. Time. She went to bed. I checked my message from Karin--a had-been burr/pearl seed.
She revived. We walked to State through cyn. Playful. Told her about the new Melissa. Told me--- Returned. Responded to Karin by txt (try that first next time!). Had had to decide what to say.
Special.
Returned. . . Somehow was up till one. Ah txting directions to Karin. Sitting with grandma saw part of cat in the hat. She had grown a bit worried about visitors. Gave us a portapotty so no need to visit bathroom.
Turned couch availability to no--grandma said no more after these (she'll like it. . . Fine. Told charly no.) Told FNL about cs. I hope I did--a not usual method of sending the email.
And--
-------------------
disorientation. A bit of melancholy. Watching it. How to be at ease with visitors. So special for me. May become less fantastic.
This AM ? Reread T&K's profiles. Found contact jam monday night. Main one, Friday. Search on Eveoke Dance. Developed other schemes.
Decisions, fifty million? Where sleep how... Bus or trolley. Who knows what else. Peace.
---------
plan, finish straightening. Vacuum. Maybe walk to WF, get more sausage. And to walk the hill route. Kata, swim. NF (L).
Then with presence of T&K.
-----------
In AM paper, an article about Micha Cardenas ( secondloop.wordpress.com [have yet to visit] ). Even with the VR headgear on, believe I know this person as a him, michael? at the activist san diego house, and from Circle A summer camp at organic collective "roots of resistance".
Is the world telling me something? Melissa I knew as Casey or Carey. Yesterday s/he spoke more to me than almost all other times. Time to tell me the legal name. "truth will set us free". "we all have a story". Definitely looking better than when I first met . . .
Was very overweight. A self-described jesus freak. A thick pink towel wrapped around head like my mom after a shower. Breasts, but from the fat?
Much less overweight, but still the breasts, presses left one with left hand, "some of us have a story in us burning to get out."
Not so hard to talk to her, naked, there, Melissa with a penis--as with the friendly gay men. . . Wish to avoid eyeing their "boy parts" (an L term), but doing so seems to make it worse. Why is this so? They very much seem to wish to be seen. With Don--insurance investigator, 'my job: get people talking. Many love to talk about self'--I squatted, back to lockers and talked with him facing away, the wall. I like these friendly guys--have had many good gay friends. Sort of like being a cute girl, maybe--
Have often thought the emergent phenomenon of gender and sex (+ human social evol. ) is to motivate us to meet and learn from each other. . . On top of the attempts of DNA to reproduce itself.
Why such a large incidence of gay men (and even women--well just carmen, beverly [snakegirl.net - bi?]) as my friends, people I know. I and we all may be closer to same[. . .] Have tried mentally to be aroused by men I've felt love for--
And now gender reassigning. Remember seeing Mike/Micha dressed as woman on my way to Food Not Lawns meeting at ASD. Not looking too content. Smoking too much.
Else, s/he's quite masculine in form. Was a leader of the anti-minutemen clown army.
------
Tommy arriving, queer, self described. Karin, enthusiastic about that movement.
And I agree--creativity and positive culture comes from there--sandor katz, short mtn sanctuary, EV (on PCT), christian--radical faerie--'s guynecology circle.
---
Micha, in the article: some decide not to mess with hormones--'I want to be a fox' (not a female-gendered sapien) and online, can.
---
Not sure there is anything to make of all this---
except it could (possibly) be great if binary gender segregation were not so enshrined. US among the worst (fear of nudity). Europe much better. Remember an old couple and a young buff, and so me too, swimming naked near the copenhagen airport--and other happenings.
here little kids freak out to see a naked man in the men's locker room.
---
so-- nothing to make of that, just de-binary the gender lenses. View it as spectrum with a generally binary distribution, + the gender switchers and the furries and the dragons + the queers. + various fetishes? + perhaps the no-sexuals (forgot the term) and the monks and nuns.
As to what your worth and potential may be, Melissa, Micha--seems clear the best we can do is encourage each to sense. . .
---
[?maintaining focus on feelings of]
peace & creative love,
Tommy and Karin are coming! It is good to have reason to straighten, prepare.
Made it to the pool late yesterday. Did nearly full kata, yog, ballet. Swam well. Met another Melissa before I swam. In the men's locker room.
After swim, messages from Karin, B. A dialected CS request from Charly ( couchsurfing.com/people/irieitez
). ---------
hey colin,
waz up!? howz life..!?
i'm gud, still in colorado springs, visiting a gud friend of mine.
but dis place is really geting too cold, so on tuesday i'll be leaving for san diego. i'm actually planing on goin to san francisco for new years, to visit sme amazing people i just met on the train from ny to
denver, and from there leaving to new york again, but who knows what the future brings,...!
so, what do yu say!? u think u can host me for sme nights!?
thanks so much and see you maybe soon,
have a guud guud day,
jaly
by the way, how is da weather nowadays..!?
cu!
---------------- (have yet to get to see her profile on other than cell phone--no photos--thought she was a guy)
[B,] I was manic, mind fire, walking the route of stairs among the christmas lights, stopping myself, breathe, "Colin, you're not here at all." Look around. Nice.
Would Laurie be there? Love. She was. And not so well. And asked to do laying meditation to relax. It didn't work. . . But was a long time long time silent. Returning, put on relax CD. Time.
Harder for me to lay than to sit. Switched to sitting. Time. She went to bed. I checked my message from Karin--a had-been burr/pearl seed.
She revived. We walked to State through cyn. Playful. Told her about the new Melissa. Told me--- Returned. Responded to Karin by txt (try that first next time!). Had had to decide what to say.
Special.
Returned. . . Somehow was up till one. Ah txting directions to Karin. Sitting with grandma saw part of cat in the hat. She had grown a bit worried about visitors. Gave us a portapotty so no need to visit bathroom.
Turned couch availability to no--grandma said no more after these (she'll like it. . . Fine. Told charly no.) Told FNL about cs. I hope I did--a not usual method of sending the email.
And--
-------------------
disorientation. A bit of melancholy. Watching it. How to be at ease with visitors. So special for me. May become less fantastic.
This AM ? Reread T&K's profiles. Found contact jam monday night. Main one, Friday. Search on Eveoke Dance. Developed other schemes.
Decisions, fifty million? Where sleep how... Bus or trolley. Who knows what else. Peace.
---------
plan, finish straightening. Vacuum. Maybe walk to WF, get more sausage. And to walk the hill route. Kata, swim. NF (L).
Then with presence of T&K.
-----------
In AM paper, an article about Micha Cardenas ( secondloop.wordpress.com [have yet to visit] ). Even with the VR headgear on, believe I know this person as a him, michael? at the activist san diego house, and from Circle A summer camp at organic collective "roots of resistance".
Is the world telling me something? Melissa I knew as Casey or Carey. Yesterday s/he spoke more to me than almost all other times. Time to tell me the legal name. "truth will set us free". "we all have a story". Definitely looking better than when I first met . . .
Was very overweight. A self-described jesus freak. A thick pink towel wrapped around head like my mom after a shower. Breasts, but from the fat?
Much less overweight, but still the breasts, presses left one with left hand, "some of us have a story in us burning to get out."
Not so hard to talk to her, naked, there, Melissa with a penis--as with the friendly gay men. . . Wish to avoid eyeing their "boy parts" (an L term), but doing so seems to make it worse. Why is this so? They very much seem to wish to be seen. With Don--insurance investigator, 'my job: get people talking. Many love to talk about self'--I squatted, back to lockers and talked with him facing away, the wall. I like these friendly guys--have had many good gay friends. Sort of like being a cute girl, maybe--
Have often thought the emergent phenomenon of gender and sex (+ human social evol. ) is to motivate us to meet and learn from each other. . . On top of the attempts of DNA to reproduce itself.
Why such a large incidence of gay men (and even women--well just carmen, beverly [snakegirl.net - bi?]) as my friends, people I know. I and we all may be closer to same[. . .] Have tried mentally to be aroused by men I've felt love for--
And now gender reassigning. Remember seeing Mike/Micha dressed as woman on my way to Food Not Lawns meeting at ASD. Not looking too content. Smoking too much.
Else, s/he's quite masculine in form. Was a leader of the anti-minutemen clown army.
------
Tommy arriving, queer, self described. Karin, enthusiastic about that movement.
And I agree--creativity and positive culture comes from there--sandor katz, short mtn sanctuary, EV (on PCT), christian--radical faerie--'s guynecology circle.
---
Micha, in the article: some decide not to mess with hormones--'I want to be a fox' (not a female-gendered sapien) and online, can.
---
Not sure there is anything to make of all this---
except it could (possibly) be great if binary gender segregation were not so enshrined. US among the worst (fear of nudity). Europe much better. Remember an old couple and a young buff, and so me too, swimming naked near the copenhagen airport--and other happenings.
here little kids freak out to see a naked man in the men's locker room.
---
so-- nothing to make of that, just de-binary the gender lenses. View it as spectrum with a generally binary distribution, + the gender switchers and the furries and the dragons + the queers. + various fetishes? + perhaps the no-sexuals (forgot the term) and the monks and nuns.
As to what your worth and potential may be, Melissa, Micha--seems clear the best we can do is encourage each to sense. . .
---
[?maintaining focus on feelings of]
peace & creative love,
Saturday, December 20, 2008
dis-cont-in-u-it-y. I lost the thread.[N
etwork. Relationship.]
Can't tell you how I got to where I am. Can't tell you where I might be next.
Only thing to do: tell what has been that I know. Work back.
I just ate a lot of rice, unnecessarily. A sausage (apple chicken?)-- Oranges--
I tried writing--
What I have left of the attempts, reverse order of occurence:
----------------------------------------------
Subject: every thought is broken by device failur
Back to writing here, but the technology is failing.
Before that, disembodied voices, yes.
Unable. Isolation. You cannot
---
Subject: Sara I love you
Looking through the old entries at experienceart, trying to find Valerie's last name, I saw a mention that when Sara called me from Alaska one time, she said I sounded angry, like I didn't want to talk. I also read of some amazingly endearing things she did. . . I'm not recalling now exactly what. And when I read it I sort of shuddered, maybe had a beginning of a tear, a silent, half-said "oh my g-d", ("I can't believe anyone. . .") and went skimming on.
---
I haven't bbb
---------------------------- (End previous attempts that did not get erased.)
I briefly considered 'fuck' as a subject. . . I remember that. "I am your madness," was another. A draft that got deleted had a list of spaced words ending: "network.
network.
network."
In one I mentioned sitting a few days ago--the unrecorded entree to this void--and before that or was it after, the sidewalk opening her legs to me, but could not recall which first perhaps we'll sort it out.
---
Why did I stop? People emailed me.[?] Never do that. Post a comment? Never email me. (It was partly my own fault. I may be wiser now. [Hide the address?])
{what really means what here. This seems to be seriously true. But too sad. In the past: contact me only to arrange to meet. That seems reasonable. What about dialog about ideas? That could be a comment somewhere. And what about my licence (two 'c's! Verb: one 'c', one 's') in emailing others? If you need to use me, use me, if I don't reply, I'm waiting for you to set a date and time to meet. If I don't reply to that. . . maybe didn't get it. Never count on me getting anything sent to me at mms.att,net.}
---
Was just laying here, sensing?, before trying to write. Before that, eating reasonably. Before that, resting. Before that, sewing a seam in my new pants [a wonderful accomplishment but still have a long ways to go]. Before that, eating reasonably. You are missing all the accompanying thoughts. Laurie, Melissa, Julie, Karin (and Tommy). I wrote one of them an email (wasn't thinking? Not as wise as now?), and signed it "peace & creative love," something I developed this morning and ran through my mind quite alot. That was after sewing, after resting, I don't know what came over me.
Before laying here and not writing, I tried various ways of sending, getting email, spending ~$1. Then, avoiding the walk to State (SDSU), spent $10 on 5 megabytes [expire in a month] and read bloglines blogs (worldchanging post "xmas gift ideas" has book and mag recommendations), cleaned gmail inbox, turned off email daily digest for couchsurfing groups, all as prelude to reading the couchsurfing landscape person job description and deciding it wasn't for me--the main result and end of about 300kb of data use.
Before what was last, walked back from pool via Laurie's ( not there :-( ), via S&F dumpster (zucchinis, oranges, apples, good mixed salad greens, all thoughtfully covered in flour and water [the bags were]).
At pool worked hard [remarkably fluid, energized]. Sitting time gave the disconnect. Had had grand and distracting plans ("aspiring carfree, planefree, and motorvehiclefree couchsurfers and hosts" couchsurfing group, and related ideas), had even considered writing
---fone phroze as it has been doing. A long time. Nearly slept, but had not used oralbreeze.com to clean gums. Got up. Did. Trying to receive? Failed. Don't know what phone is doing. 2233.--- froze again 2236---
had considered writing after first sit and before weights but drifted into sitting once more and let that go too.
before at Kroc did fast kata, yog, ballet (1hr) at Rolando Little League Park.
before that, tried to use free internet to do something related to Karin & Tommy and my couchsurfing profile, but connection failed, and later realized that (falling asleep. Good night.).
--------------------
0602 Saturday
Before spending the $10 yesterday I did try the free wifi a couple of times.
I later realized that whatever it was I wanted to email them about--well, whatever it was, I forgot. I did want to soften the instructions to smokers (my neighborhood friend smokes somewhat sparingly, is trying to quit, and generally smells good--doubt it helped if she read that [my CS profile], which reminds: I sent NF an email, the one from couchsurfing, written by Karin-- couchsurfing.com/people/yll -- saying carfree she and friend tommy were coming to SD and could I host them?).
So that is the main skein back to Friday morning? The kata/yog/ballet in the park were very nice, though I got caught up in my scheming about that CS group--eventually developing the name "aspiring carfree, planefree, and motorvehiclefree couchsurfers and hosts"; and considered how to implement it (one global, many local groups), and what the description, mission statement would be. And Geneva in the weight room, Charles in the pool. I got a message from god: it was from the friend (hmm) I later emailed asking a technical question. [never all. Layers]
---
Thursday night. I had got to the kroc late on Thursday --- did full routine on cold concrete (rainy the prev. day; shade from the low southern sun; bright, blue sky, clouds, distant: hills, mts in sky), and swam, went to sit, and didn't have it in me to lift. Walked back, but not enough (in me) to walk by NF's. But she'd been by and I missed her!
I act oddly when that happens. Topics for writing come up: I want to see her? I don't want but want her to feel missed? (ended up calling four times, leaving three messages before the evening was up).
There is a subtle competition: who can hold out longer from visiting, calling? But more an internal one: a pride (or compulsion) in remaining aloof, unneeding? [and then the easy magnet of often wanting stop by (regardless of what may have happened last), at least on way back, when walking near her place.]
---
I ate and thought I'd not go out at all again. . . Was resting. The message "[CS msg: Karin Ervelin] Two carfree swedes arriving..." came through on my phone. Arriving 12/21-22. Energized! Grandma said ok; the free internet worked and I wrote back (CS makes you use the site) and read profiles and looked at photos of my potential new friends. Then resolved to walk to State (wanted to walk--energized, and to upload photos of the porch so I could be more sure they really wanted to stay here--and the free internet had stopped). Called Laurie for the fourth time: "get ready if you want to walk!"; third message.
She was there. Foolishly, energetically "so you've been here the whole time!" She had not. Probably for the last one. But she only has four rings, then an answering machine (the default male "leave a message" --I'd call her now to get it exactly but she might answer 0653), and sometimes she picks up if you leave a message. I've been there. Often she never answers others who call when I'm there (and phone and machine volume are very low, not disturbing). Nice. But often she never answers when she's there [*]alone[*]. Once she told a guy she'd call him back in a minute--perhaps made a point of speaking to me, he'd hear--, never did. I guess it was he [who] called again, [she] never answered. And he or another guy left a msg earlier that evening too!
Spending time with her is a challenge unless you stop by and get her-- It doesn't seem to be an intentional, composed, serene aloofness though. It is cousin perhaps to the alienated depressive kind, which, at its worst, she'd never respond unless you go in and get her out--I've never done that, but think Catherine has. [I'm] Assuming she won't read this.
No I don't understand her. And this story is mine not hers. She writes, as I said before, and not to me, and what little I've heard of her written voice was cogent, reassuring. Yet in other ways she's anything but that.
Guess she's alot like me, visionless[?]. She watches movies though. That seems significant. Well, that night she went with upstairs neighbor to rent a movie, walking, in her SoCal women pseudo velvet exercise pants (a small groan, but who am I, and have appreciated? the view of mons and underwear lines one morning when comparing notes on pelvic tilt and posture).
I went to State (thru dark cyn), communed with net and photos [how interesting that I have these digital artifacts, make use of them], updated couch description. Returned to find NF, NFF, NFFF (Al--Keg & Barrell Mgr?), and NFFD (neighborhood friend's friend's dog--Cheetah) in deep floral velvet (*$%&! the phone keyboa[rd has this horrible lag it some]times gets. All that in square brackets was left out! Typed twice!) red-sashed bedroom with zebra or otherwise black and white pattern on everything else, including Al in large zuni blanket and Cheetah who is always black and white unclothed, a sort of chihuahua daschound, never barking, never a sound but clicking nails on linoleum or concrete, a round black spot on his side, others on tips of ears, and he often wanders into Laurie's place like a lost and somewhat curious small pig.
I believe that sentence is complete, though this is where it was headed: to find [subjects] watching a batman movie. Cindy, Laurie, Cheetah on the zebra-quilted low mattress bed, AL in the corner in chair wrapped in blanket, Cindy, ever friendly, inviting me to stay, the glow of large screen to my left lighting[. . .]--mostly I just apologized to Laurie through the din, said hi to Al, no thank you to Cindy. I'd been marveling at my energetic impatience, annoyance, or jealousy that led me to say "So! You've been here all the time."
This is very much about the network, the phones (landlines), computers, cellphones that receive email, and my inability to deal with them well. (The transportation network.)
Of the rather many ideas: a post, "Network Use Policy", of how I'll use the network. I would--
In New York City I could have friends and visit them, and get to know them, to love them, they walked from pool or dance studio, I could walk with them, we could ride subway together too.
---
0833 Was up to Thursday morning. I believe that morning I responded to emails, spent time online, reflexively posting, emailing about the San Diego Sunday Streets LinkedIn group Mike and Larry just started. [no, that was weds morning.]
Late, very late Wednesday (1 and 2 am Thursday) emailed Melissa, Julie. That is where any last energy went before ---.
Now, Wednesday night, sat. At library at State, after taking all those rainy day photos. After really feeling like a kid. [The Short Now.]
Yes, and Thursday, sunny thursday, the sidewalk was opening her legs, and I knew--you were in "the warmness of [my] brain" and I in yours. As now. [Gamboling.]
The network.
Wednesday sitting, couchsurfing, but before that, companionship.
---
One of those hard sits. There is no out. Am I going to ask for references to apply to the mariner school?
Stillness before that, before getting to that. That seemed all that was left.
But[, giving up,] companionship [, a memory, feeling of, companionship arrived?]. The energy there. The isolation. The solution is never any one relation but a social focus[? philosophy without love? How well the CS profile pages are structured.]. The built environment must be changed. If not changed, then laid, overlaid, perhaps with couchsurfing. I walk around, and am notified where truly "mi casa es su casa."
But couchsurfing came to me only later, after release, the focus on companionship [I shall walk and meet who's there? That is all?].
At home, logged on, the free internet worked, read the site. About their history, mission, working for them. Read my profile. My philosophy: just what I'd just done [arriving there I found the directions that got me there; remember: the profile was written prior to the TJ-Ensenada trip.]. Set my couch to 'yes' from 'travelling'. The magic was: Karin contacted me the following day.
---
So the energy of the [Internet] network in the car-centric transportation network-colonized (devastated by lack of sharing) urban space dominated by pavement, cars, the people who use them, isolated by their use.[. . . what about it?]
And my g-d! They found *me*! I tried to search for my own profile. Couldn't make it come up except by typing "carfree." If I typed 'dance', the search always hung. That was my best guess. Else: by date of last login. Maybe it was that.
So the same network angst occurs. Will they choose me? By default they should call when they know if they'll arrive Sunday or Monday. But I've heard no more after replying. . .
And such apparently energetic people, coming into this barren neighborhood from their euro-urb richness of Malmo. And into my lack of direction.
Did what I add to the profile scare them away? (a thought, to which there probably is no meaning beyond illustrating an odd fear of rejection)
---
Well the sit on Friday let that go. Either way they've had their good effect. To remember how energized I felt by the thought of their vitality finding mine, coming here, helping me out. Teaching me to couchsurf. . .
because, for me, there is some hardness about it. How to spend time with others. Marvelling now that I got to know Sara! How I respond to network-based contacts by distant friends. And---
---
Is that more or less the story? Is the message somewhat there. Ethan Hughes has left both cars and network, uses transit, postal mail nets.
---
The network holds out the promise of relation, but, disembodied, at a distance. My nature doesn't cope well? A framework for imbalance?
So walk and be with who's there?
As in the forest, this summer (how much that trip has changed me--seems more evident).
---
And Cinderella is a fairytale (tales of great devotion across distance are fairytales, this not the best illustration{, though I've missed people horribly intensely as recently as Quail Springs (last year)} but this is 'philosophy without love'? What says buddha, TNH? So What about what they say?).
And relationship? Sharing (read what the Brazilian in the couchsurhing leadership team has to say).
Sharing?
[what can I?]
---
0923 [rereading]
0951
and {streetcorner teambuilding. Often I'm the only pedestrian, wearing a vest, people ask me directions from their vehicles. The rainy day, the power out, phone out, the filipino[? A singing voice] home healthcare aide, short, in blue scrubs/nursewear, with umbrella wanting something, not clear, (seemed she needed to knock on more doors? To borrow a cellphone? . . . mine, $.25/min. . .) me: (after: "everyone's ok?") "I hope you find. . ." & walking away. . . "You." <<If this is a teambuilding challenge, I'm sitting out.>> Walked back half a block and found her. "Is there anything I can do to help?" She wasn't sure or clear. I helped her find a neighbor I had been pretty sure was home (most are not. Car-suburb emptiness.) I'd walked by his place so much, asked to pick the loquats, seen him building cabinets in his garage (pro), given him extra avocados from a tree further back on my walk, smelled the cigarette thickness coming from his open door, (on past passes) seen a little kid there, heard a woman's voice. He let her call from there. I asked, she said, I need not stay. Walked on. Did no more than say hi to the guy (she arrived just after he opened the door). Left wondering at my (reflexive? lack of gregariousness [shame?]).}
---
How Proustian, how In Search of Lost Time.
---
The story: no asking for reference letters. The Brazilian: relationships give you the goals you need. Into the limbs and warm brain of companionship? Why do anything other than this?
Will sew my pants. Swedes could arrive. Tomorrow. Will straighten place up.
Pants sewed, will leave to be homeless again? To meet whoever's there? May learn to be with others? Or will spend long dark nights?
---
leaving B unanswered (but there was no question). She writes back quick and the contact asks for contact, is in my mind, unless I wait it out and let the contact fade. I will see you again! I'm almost certain.
---
I do that. Remembering when I wanted any response from anyone
---
why should we leave where we are and arrange to meet? How could distant minds. . . resolve to trouble themselves to become in the same near space
---
to move---why are the swedes (she could be fooling, could be alone, doubt it, but a thought), coming from San Francisco to San Diego, not stopping in Monterey---SLO, etc. (SF is where the CS hq appears to be.)
We move for food and shelter.
What is it to be a friend with Ethan Hughes. You must be there or write him. Not sure he even has a phone.
He has a partner. Child.
---
What good [is all this typing]? People, get rid of the cars. If you can organize, get to SANDAG, elsewhere be a voice against them?
Live with friends?
Share?
How can I? Can I ever have that close comfort of a long partner? Thich Nhat Hanh.
Why did I stop?
---
Peace & Creative Love,
Can't tell you how I got to where I am. Can't tell you where I might be next.
Only thing to do: tell what has been that I know. Work back.
I just ate a lot of rice, unnecessarily. A sausage (apple chicken?)-- Oranges--
I tried writing--
What I have left of the attempts, reverse order of occurence:
----------------------------------------------
Subject: every thought is broken by device failur
Back to writing here, but the technology is failing.
Before that, disembodied voices, yes.
Unable. Isolation. You cannot
---
Subject: Sara I love you
Looking through the old entries at experienceart, trying to find Valerie's last name, I saw a mention that when Sara called me from Alaska one time, she said I sounded angry, like I didn't want to talk. I also read of some amazingly endearing things she did. . . I'm not recalling now exactly what. And when I read it I sort of shuddered, maybe had a beginning of a tear, a silent, half-said "oh my g-d", ("I can't believe anyone. . .") and went skimming on.
---
I haven't bbb
---------------------------- (End previous attempts that did not get erased.)
I briefly considered 'fuck' as a subject. . . I remember that. "I am your madness," was another. A draft that got deleted had a list of spaced words ending: "network.
network.
network."
In one I mentioned sitting a few days ago--the unrecorded entree to this void--and before that or was it after, the sidewalk opening her legs to me, but could not recall which first perhaps we'll sort it out.
---
Why did I stop? People emailed me.[?] Never do that. Post a comment? Never email me. (It was partly my own fault. I may be wiser now. [Hide the address?])
{what really means what here. This seems to be seriously true. But too sad. In the past: contact me only to arrange to meet. That seems reasonable. What about dialog about ideas? That could be a comment somewhere. And what about my licence (two 'c's! Verb: one 'c', one 's') in emailing others? If you need to use me, use me, if I don't reply, I'm waiting for you to set a date and time to meet. If I don't reply to that. . . maybe didn't get it. Never count on me getting anything sent to me at mms.att,net.}
---
Was just laying here, sensing?, before trying to write. Before that, eating reasonably. Before that, resting. Before that, sewing a seam in my new pants [a wonderful accomplishment but still have a long ways to go]. Before that, eating reasonably. You are missing all the accompanying thoughts. Laurie, Melissa, Julie, Karin (and Tommy). I wrote one of them an email (wasn't thinking? Not as wise as now?), and signed it "peace & creative love," something I developed this morning and ran through my mind quite alot. That was after sewing, after resting, I don't know what came over me.
Before laying here and not writing, I tried various ways of sending, getting email, spending ~$1. Then, avoiding the walk to State (SDSU), spent $10 on 5 megabytes [expire in a month] and read bloglines blogs (worldchanging post "xmas gift ideas" has book and mag recommendations), cleaned gmail inbox, turned off email daily digest for couchsurfing groups, all as prelude to reading the couchsurfing landscape person job description and deciding it wasn't for me--the main result and end of about 300kb of data use.
Before what was last, walked back from pool via Laurie's ( not there :-( ), via S&F dumpster (zucchinis, oranges, apples, good mixed salad greens, all thoughtfully covered in flour and water [the bags were]).
At pool worked hard [remarkably fluid, energized]. Sitting time gave the disconnect. Had had grand and distracting plans ("aspiring carfree, planefree, and motorvehiclefree couchsurfers and hosts" couchsurfing group, and related ideas), had even considered writing
---fone phroze as it has been doing. A long time. Nearly slept, but had not used oralbreeze.com to clean gums. Got up. Did. Trying to receive? Failed. Don't know what phone is doing. 2233.--- froze again 2236---
had considered writing after first sit and before weights but drifted into sitting once more and let that go too.
before at Kroc did fast kata, yog, ballet (1hr) at Rolando Little League Park.
before that, tried to use free internet to do something related to Karin & Tommy and my couchsurfing profile, but connection failed, and later realized that (falling asleep. Good night.).
--------------------
0602 Saturday
Before spending the $10 yesterday I did try the free wifi a couple of times.
I later realized that whatever it was I wanted to email them about--well, whatever it was, I forgot. I did want to soften the instructions to smokers (my neighborhood friend smokes somewhat sparingly, is trying to quit, and generally smells good--doubt it helped if she read that [my CS profile], which reminds: I sent NF an email, the one from couchsurfing, written by Karin-- couchsurfing.com/people/yll -- saying carfree she and friend tommy were coming to SD and could I host them?).
So that is the main skein back to Friday morning? The kata/yog/ballet in the park were very nice, though I got caught up in my scheming about that CS group--eventually developing the name "aspiring carfree, planefree, and motorvehiclefree couchsurfers and hosts"; and considered how to implement it (one global, many local groups), and what the description, mission statement would be. And Geneva in the weight room, Charles in the pool. I got a message from god: it was from the friend (hmm) I later emailed asking a technical question. [never all. Layers]
---
Thursday night. I had got to the kroc late on Thursday --- did full routine on cold concrete (rainy the prev. day; shade from the low southern sun; bright, blue sky, clouds, distant: hills, mts in sky), and swam, went to sit, and didn't have it in me to lift. Walked back, but not enough (in me) to walk by NF's. But she'd been by and I missed her!
I act oddly when that happens. Topics for writing come up: I want to see her? I don't want but want her to feel missed? (ended up calling four times, leaving three messages before the evening was up).
There is a subtle competition: who can hold out longer from visiting, calling? But more an internal one: a pride (or compulsion) in remaining aloof, unneeding? [and then the easy magnet of often wanting stop by (regardless of what may have happened last), at least on way back, when walking near her place.]
---
I ate and thought I'd not go out at all again. . . Was resting. The message "[CS msg: Karin Ervelin] Two carfree swedes arriving..." came through on my phone. Arriving 12/21-22. Energized! Grandma said ok; the free internet worked and I wrote back (CS makes you use the site) and read profiles and looked at photos of my potential new friends. Then resolved to walk to State (wanted to walk--energized, and to upload photos of the porch so I could be more sure they really wanted to stay here--and the free internet had stopped). Called Laurie for the fourth time: "get ready if you want to walk!"; third message.
She was there. Foolishly, energetically "so you've been here the whole time!" She had not. Probably for the last one. But she only has four rings, then an answering machine (the default male "leave a message" --I'd call her now to get it exactly but she might answer 0653), and sometimes she picks up if you leave a message. I've been there. Often she never answers others who call when I'm there (and phone and machine volume are very low, not disturbing). Nice. But often she never answers when she's there [*]alone[*]. Once she told a guy she'd call him back in a minute--perhaps made a point of speaking to me, he'd hear--, never did. I guess it was he [who] called again, [she] never answered. And he or another guy left a msg earlier that evening too!
Spending time with her is a challenge unless you stop by and get her-- It doesn't seem to be an intentional, composed, serene aloofness though. It is cousin perhaps to the alienated depressive kind, which, at its worst, she'd never respond unless you go in and get her out--I've never done that, but think Catherine has. [I'm] Assuming she won't read this.
No I don't understand her. And this story is mine not hers. She writes, as I said before, and not to me, and what little I've heard of her written voice was cogent, reassuring. Yet in other ways she's anything but that.
Guess she's alot like me, visionless[?]. She watches movies though. That seems significant. Well, that night she went with upstairs neighbor to rent a movie, walking, in her SoCal women pseudo velvet exercise pants (a small groan, but who am I, and have appreciated? the view of mons and underwear lines one morning when comparing notes on pelvic tilt and posture).
I went to State (thru dark cyn), communed with net and photos [how interesting that I have these digital artifacts, make use of them], updated couch description. Returned to find NF, NFF, NFFF (Al--Keg & Barrell Mgr?), and NFFD (neighborhood friend's friend's dog--Cheetah) in deep floral velvet (*$%&! the phone keyboa[rd has this horrible lag it some]times gets. All that in square brackets was left out! Typed twice!) red-sashed bedroom with zebra or otherwise black and white pattern on everything else, including Al in large zuni blanket and Cheetah who is always black and white unclothed, a sort of chihuahua daschound, never barking, never a sound but clicking nails on linoleum or concrete, a round black spot on his side, others on tips of ears, and he often wanders into Laurie's place like a lost and somewhat curious small pig.
I believe that sentence is complete, though this is where it was headed: to find [subjects] watching a batman movie. Cindy, Laurie, Cheetah on the zebra-quilted low mattress bed, AL in the corner in chair wrapped in blanket, Cindy, ever friendly, inviting me to stay, the glow of large screen to my left lighting[. . .]--mostly I just apologized to Laurie through the din, said hi to Al, no thank you to Cindy. I'd been marveling at my energetic impatience, annoyance, or jealousy that led me to say "So! You've been here all the time."
This is very much about the network, the phones (landlines), computers, cellphones that receive email, and my inability to deal with them well. (The transportation network.)
Of the rather many ideas: a post, "Network Use Policy", of how I'll use the network. I would--
In New York City I could have friends and visit them, and get to know them, to love them, they walked from pool or dance studio, I could walk with them, we could ride subway together too.
---
0833 Was up to Thursday morning. I believe that morning I responded to emails, spent time online, reflexively posting, emailing about the San Diego Sunday Streets LinkedIn group Mike and Larry just started. [no, that was weds morning.]
Late, very late Wednesday (1 and 2 am Thursday) emailed Melissa, Julie. That is where any last energy went before ---.
Now, Wednesday night, sat. At library at State, after taking all those rainy day photos. After really feeling like a kid. [The Short Now.]
Yes, and Thursday, sunny thursday, the sidewalk was opening her legs, and I knew--you were in "the warmness of [my] brain" and I in yours. As now. [Gamboling.]
The network.
Wednesday sitting, couchsurfing, but before that, companionship.
---
One of those hard sits. There is no out. Am I going to ask for references to apply to the mariner school?
Stillness before that, before getting to that. That seemed all that was left.
But[, giving up,] companionship [, a memory, feeling of, companionship arrived?]. The energy there. The isolation. The solution is never any one relation but a social focus[? philosophy without love? How well the CS profile pages are structured.]. The built environment must be changed. If not changed, then laid, overlaid, perhaps with couchsurfing. I walk around, and am notified where truly "mi casa es su casa."
But couchsurfing came to me only later, after release, the focus on companionship [I shall walk and meet who's there? That is all?].
At home, logged on, the free internet worked, read the site. About their history, mission, working for them. Read my profile. My philosophy: just what I'd just done [arriving there I found the directions that got me there; remember: the profile was written prior to the TJ-Ensenada trip.]. Set my couch to 'yes' from 'travelling'. The magic was: Karin contacted me the following day.
---
So the energy of the [Internet] network in the car-centric transportation network-colonized (devastated by lack of sharing) urban space dominated by pavement, cars, the people who use them, isolated by their use.[. . . what about it?]
And my g-d! They found *me*! I tried to search for my own profile. Couldn't make it come up except by typing "carfree." If I typed 'dance', the search always hung. That was my best guess. Else: by date of last login. Maybe it was that.
So the same network angst occurs. Will they choose me? By default they should call when they know if they'll arrive Sunday or Monday. But I've heard no more after replying. . .
And such apparently energetic people, coming into this barren neighborhood from their euro-urb richness of Malmo. And into my lack of direction.
Did what I add to the profile scare them away? (a thought, to which there probably is no meaning beyond illustrating an odd fear of rejection)
---
Well the sit on Friday let that go. Either way they've had their good effect. To remember how energized I felt by the thought of their vitality finding mine, coming here, helping me out. Teaching me to couchsurf. . .
because, for me, there is some hardness about it. How to spend time with others. Marvelling now that I got to know Sara! How I respond to network-based contacts by distant friends. And---
---
Is that more or less the story? Is the message somewhat there. Ethan Hughes has left both cars and network, uses transit, postal mail nets.
---
The network holds out the promise of relation, but, disembodied, at a distance. My nature doesn't cope well? A framework for imbalance?
So walk and be with who's there?
As in the forest, this summer (how much that trip has changed me--seems more evident).
---
And Cinderella is a fairytale (tales of great devotion across distance are fairytales, this not the best illustration{, though I've missed people horribly intensely as recently as Quail Springs (last year)} but this is 'philosophy without love'? What says buddha, TNH? So What about what they say?).
And relationship? Sharing (read what the Brazilian in the couchsurhing leadership team has to say).
Sharing?
[what can I?]
---
0923 [rereading]
0951
and {streetcorner teambuilding. Often I'm the only pedestrian, wearing a vest, people ask me directions from their vehicles. The rainy day, the power out, phone out, the filipino[? A singing voice] home healthcare aide, short, in blue scrubs/nursewear, with umbrella wanting something, not clear, (seemed she needed to knock on more doors? To borrow a cellphone? . . . mine, $.25/min. . .) me: (after: "everyone's ok?") "I hope you find. . ." & walking away. . . "You." <<If this is a teambuilding challenge, I'm sitting out.>> Walked back half a block and found her. "Is there anything I can do to help?" She wasn't sure or clear. I helped her find a neighbor I had been pretty sure was home (most are not. Car-suburb emptiness.) I'd walked by his place so much, asked to pick the loquats, seen him building cabinets in his garage (pro), given him extra avocados from a tree further back on my walk, smelled the cigarette thickness coming from his open door, (on past passes) seen a little kid there, heard a woman's voice. He let her call from there. I asked, she said, I need not stay. Walked on. Did no more than say hi to the guy (she arrived just after he opened the door). Left wondering at my (reflexive? lack of gregariousness [shame?]).}
---
How Proustian, how In Search of Lost Time.
---
The story: no asking for reference letters. The Brazilian: relationships give you the goals you need. Into the limbs and warm brain of companionship? Why do anything other than this?
Will sew my pants. Swedes could arrive. Tomorrow. Will straighten place up.
Pants sewed, will leave to be homeless again? To meet whoever's there? May learn to be with others? Or will spend long dark nights?
---
leaving B unanswered (but there was no question). She writes back quick and the contact asks for contact, is in my mind, unless I wait it out and let the contact fade. I will see you again! I'm almost certain.
---
I do that. Remembering when I wanted any response from anyone
---
why should we leave where we are and arrange to meet? How could distant minds. . . resolve to trouble themselves to become in the same near space
---
to move---why are the swedes (she could be fooling, could be alone, doubt it, but a thought), coming from San Francisco to San Diego, not stopping in Monterey---SLO, etc. (SF is where the CS hq appears to be.)
We move for food and shelter.
What is it to be a friend with Ethan Hughes. You must be there or write him. Not sure he even has a phone.
He has a partner. Child.
---
What good [is all this typing]? People, get rid of the cars. If you can organize, get to SANDAG, elsewhere be a voice against them?
Live with friends?
Share?
How can I? Can I ever have that close comfort of a long partner? Thich Nhat Hanh.
Why did I stop?
---
Peace & Creative Love,
Friday, December 19, 2008
Couchsurfing magic + Photos up! MEChA EOP, SDSU, Del Cerro, Dumpster, ThxGiving @ Point Loma, TJ, Water & Rain, Macadamias, unFashion
 |
| San Diego and Tijuana, published 2008-12-18 |
The couchsurfing magic I hope to write about later, but for now, if you sign up there, we can be friends!
http://www.couchsurfing.com/people/colinleath
---
I took all the water photos perhaps to post to SDTJDPH about how--by improving the design of our streets, houses, lives, etc--we'd not need desal or piped water from NorCal; and to point to harvestingrainwater.com. May not get to that though.
Well I did. . . and scheduled it to be published on 12/25.
Peace,
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