I would like to travel, to work as part of a team 24/7, and to be on the water. I would like a career where advancement depends partly on self-paced training. And I would like to participate in the greening of shipping and of transportation in general. Those are some reasons I seek a career in the Maritime Industry.
I want to travel and to keep moving often. I like having to pare my possessions down to what I most need and to what I am able to carry. I have enjoyed several multiple-month bicycle and hiking trips--now I seek to be working with others while also continuing to move.
I want to work as part of a team 24/7. I've read in some mariners' blogs that they value working and living with the other sailors for the duration of a voyage, however difficult it may be, and that they are often somewhat sad at the end when crew members go different ways. I'd like that kind of experience. I'm aware solitary watch-standing is often part of it.
I want to be on the water, in big ships, or perhaps on canal tugs and barges. Partly this comes from my goal of spending less time where many people use cars--a reason I lived in NYC for two years and in the Sierras for two months. Partly this comes from a long-standing orientation of mine toward the water: in 1993-1994 I was volunteer crew aboard the historic schooner Alexandria (New London to Boston), I completed a rough computer assisted design of a 40' offshore sailing catamaran, and I was accepted to USCGA and USNA. Going to USNA, like my dad, had been an ambition for years, but I began to question it, and I ended up working as a cashier to fund a move to Maui to windsurf instead. At any rate, in exploring my current goals I've become aware of many opportunities to crew on small sailboats, but I've decided to focus on large ships: I'd like to have substantial shelter, I'd like to earn money, and I'm interested in commercial ships and shipping with all their complexity, as well as in the possibility of working aboard humanitarian and research vessels.
I would like a career where advancement depends partly on self-paced training. I have already benefited from working on the requirements of this application. This is reminding me how well the advancement system of the Boy Scouts worked for me. I want more structure in my life, but I don't want to make a four-year military commitment, and I'm not yet sure I want to be a mate. I'd like to work up to the level that suits me.
I am also interested in participating in the greening of shipping and of transportation in general, when I have the opportunity to do so. I've read about one or two new cargo ships designed to obtain some of their power from the wind. I've also read about engine and fuel innovations that allow ships to run more cleanly. I've long been aware that moving cargo by water is often the most energy-efficient way to do it. In the event energy becomes scarce or CO2 production is restricted, I'd like to be a part of a Maritime Industry that uses such a situation to improve.
Those are some reasons I'm seeking a career in the Maritime Industry. Overall, I believe getting into the Industry and working on ships--whatever the difficulties and challenges--will suit me and be meaningful.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
UneAmi DentalPlan Fatima SeaBee Pension
Free to turn any part of my life into a saga, an epic poem, I realize. [And aware how unfunctional doing so may be.]
I worked for money for the first time in five or six months yesterday.
On the way there, I wrote my neighborhood friend an email of things I had before only daydreamed. Nothing may happen from that. I did not visit her this PM, not sure when it will feel good to stop by her place again. I said hi that morning before catching the bus and thought I was too sullen and wrote to apologize/smile, and that led to the rest.
Not really interesting enough to even want to include here--how mild that email is. The more meaningful part addressed my fear of what I perceive as her fear--of being seen as ugly, unfeminine, or something. I would like to love her as she fears to be seen (I think I do--in my daydreams I imagine that). This little paragraph is far more shockingly worded than that mild email, so much do I fear her fear.
[That got me curious (how mild was it really?), so here it is. I am dastardly, have no decency, never have?, have only ever loved you--my reader. Everything I do is to spend time with you? I also wrote below (by the part about Funny Fatima) and then deleted, "I've learned never to gaze at my neighborhood friend." I deleted that thinking she might read it, but guess I'm letting that perhaps misplaced consideration go.
Here's the email:
--------------------------
Subject: smile
[NeighborhoodFriend], just wishing I'd smiled more this am, so: :)
don't worry about what's been said--
seems like the best thing we do is be occasional neighborhood friends / exercise partners. Body wants more, mine at least, but we're more than body--
anyways,
I keep stopping by on occasion, so I'll see you sometime. (you always can tell me not to stop too--)
would be cool if we could plan on things and do them--(sometimes we have!)
it could happen again. But the random visits seem to be what we keep up.
not sure what it would take to mean more to each other--all I came up with was: consonant life plans--like joining the peace corps together. We are pretty different though.
If we manage to retain some desire in seeing each other--I like that. Not sure my personality has much to recommend it beyond peace, and generally smiling, I hope. Well!
no need to reply to this of course. Sort of amazes me how little we talk about the more personal. I never feel like being nosy. I imagine though if we talked more--well, this is the one-sided part: I suppose I think you're like an iceberg: tons going on mentally that is never mentioned to me.
i don't suggest we should change that,
but do think that if/when you find a partner where you're more in love, the partner wouldn't feel s/he know only the surface.
i very much wish, too, you'd dive into fear: fear of being seen as ugly, fear of being mistaken for male even, a sort of acceptance of self beyond gender. I've often half imagined what it would be like to love you with a bald shaved head acting man- like. I'm aware I'm not exactly super-masculine-gendered. . . .
well! I Don't expect any change from this--just happy if you'll still say hi to me, and perhaps on occasion we can play some more games. I think a trip could be cool, but I seem to be way more into rough crude stuff/sleeping/eating than you; not sure we should try to resolve that. My friend mike would go camp out with me around SD.
Must focus on work now.
peace,
Colin
--------------------------]
The dentist. That's really why I came here to write.
Goals:
(1) to leave, to work at sea, perhaps.
(2) to care for teeth (this really doesn't seem to be the goal for me)
previous dentists, all bad in some way, selected by proximity,
My flailing about process has so far yielded one appointment on 12/11 @ 11 with Bartell Dental Clinic, TJ. One tentative appointment with a local dentist whom my friend recommends.
The goal is to get that letter.
Today, may call another TJ dentist.
I have faith I'll get through this. In TJ, some people are shot, many not.
That's all. I've called and made and cancelled appts with local cheap dentists. . . I could walk by his place today, go by city heights clinic/china-/vietnam-town, ask there. Could call the green/bio/price-pottinger dentists.
Think I'll call the rodriguez, tj, guy. 1 877 839 2248 (see my del.icio for links). How did I choose by their web sites and calling? His page goofy, but does accept US insurance, has an article about him. . . Bartell: one guy a bit gruff when I called. Pictures before and after [are] all of serious (extensive) work (compared to SD green guide dentists' [more mild] before/after photos). If get xrays, exam in TJ, perhaps could visit local guy whom my friend likes for a second exam. I liked the web pages with pics of dentists themselves.
[Time-honored, evolved way: tribal, proximal, referral. Less natural(?): Internet/YP/distant stranger. But goal is to leave(?) so, get out of hood. "Dive into fear" as I mentioned in email to friend I wished she might do. Adventure. To write about. To get shot and thereby permanently end dental fretting--to be the first white norteamericano daytime-killed in TJ drug wars (a very unlikely event). To not support the car-based, etc., norteamericano dentist lifeway (but instead the less car-based but still ?? TJ dentist lifeway). To learn the border/TJ more. Damn. This is just about the teeth isn't it? Or that letter? Or?]
Who knows. But, in time, however much of a mess I make of this, the dental issue should be resolved. . .
Then or simultaneously perhaps: essay, char. refs.
---
Working, commuting, [are] peaceful, somewhat passionless, [and] freedom from dentist worries, etc., for a few hours. First hours like that in five/six months. No--or very little--"what now?"
Empty, flat, vacant, foolish, shallow: San Diego faces. Interesting that thought came to mind. SD trolley vs NYC subway, and I'm an SD face now. But how peaceful, extinct, passionless, nirvana. [Oh Funny(?) Fatima--her Latina? friend Sophia(?) called her--gazing wide-eyed, (so close, so long,) into my eyes, [I] returning her gaze as best I can. #15, crowded, we let it go, she waits with her electric-wheelchaired friend. Gazing and gazing and smiling. Somali?, headscarved, she flicks and flitters under her (light, opaque, earth-brown {ochre?}, and patterned) garment talking with her friend, revealing glimpses of denim(?). Smiling, spaced, slightly crooked teeth I later notice. When she looks at me, eyes. What is there?]
Teambuilding with 18 Seabees (Navy construction battalion [CB] for resource transfer from ship to land). The epic view: if these sorry and great, insecure and lovable, big and good and homophobic-joking (their chief seemed to set this tone--we could have addressed it, but it takes a bit of forethought such as this now to do so--homophobia is sort of a subset of put-downs/zingers, which were and generally always are addressed.), diverse, dignified in many ways, guys fuck up [or even if not], some of them die. Tears in eyes if dwelling on this, so tried to not. [But I can be nearly as sentimental about/moved by any program--especially with kids, less so with corporate groups usually. But these guys will live and work {and die} together 24/7. . . adding new dimensions to my contemplation.]
It's good work. I don't seek it out more though [maybe I will someday? I don't feel truly competent in it, and yet show great competentness at times--yes, some very extraordinary moments applying these skills. But within the maritime career--can apply them too, more circumscribed, as more of a fellow, less an outsider. . . Yet so much of the (teambuilding) work has an oddness, an opening into 1000 questions, so easy for me to fall through: What is our goal, friends? Can you accomplish a task not knowing the larger goal to which it contributes? Do we ever do otherwise?]. And being with them and at the Navy base, and reading _Moby Dick_, just strengthen my resolve (mirabile dictu) to somehow, eventually, be a civilian sailor. [For however short a time.]
---
Pensions: man works 25 years, retires at 58 with salary of 180k, yearly pension is 160k. SD County. French Revolution. May the recession not end until all gov't pensions fail. Or we can just live with those who get them, such as my grandma (three times married, three? gov't pensions), or my dad (20 years navy). When 3k/year is enough for me (no rent). Manufacture desire. Well, 3k/yr, easy enough, just do what you like--as much as you can--but hints suggest government may once again become concern of public. SD Mayor Jerry Sanders: ~"We do not exist to pay pensions." Not sure what my old age will be like, whether there will be any for me, how much of a charity case I may be, but doubt I will cost anyone's government [or charity] $160,000/year, however gallant or not my service may be. Not responsible, this speech. Not considered. Will lead to no action at this point. Here in nucleus, could later develop with more consideration, responsibility. That retired assessor, for one, may pay some taxes, for example.
---
For the record, been at this all AM (car alarms, trash trucks, but no very nearby leaf blowers), missed AM exercise. Much fiddling with Fatima: "blue jean(?!) interior materiel" -> "pseudodenim", to where it is now, and punctuation, and so on.
Night before work, often mindlessly eat, not at peace, avoiding getting ready, not sure what, same this time. Was up to 199.8lbs, I believe. Now just weighed at 191.0. Either scale fluctuates, or variation due to water weight is significant. Latter possible given the lot of high-fiber stuff I've been eating recently. And how much I peed all night. Oh! and the dreams--
---
Now?
Peace,
I worked for money for the first time in five or six months yesterday.
On the way there, I wrote my neighborhood friend an email of things I had before only daydreamed. Nothing may happen from that. I did not visit her this PM, not sure when it will feel good to stop by her place again. I said hi that morning before catching the bus and thought I was too sullen and wrote to apologize/smile, and that led to the rest.
Not really interesting enough to even want to include here--how mild that email is. The more meaningful part addressed my fear of what I perceive as her fear--of being seen as ugly, unfeminine, or something. I would like to love her as she fears to be seen (I think I do--in my daydreams I imagine that). This little paragraph is far more shockingly worded than that mild email, so much do I fear her fear.
[That got me curious (how mild was it really?), so here it is. I am dastardly, have no decency, never have?, have only ever loved you--my reader. Everything I do is to spend time with you? I also wrote below (by the part about Funny Fatima) and then deleted, "I've learned never to gaze at my neighborhood friend." I deleted that thinking she might read it, but guess I'm letting that perhaps misplaced consideration go.
Here's the email:
--------------------------
Subject: smile
[NeighborhoodFriend], just wishing I'd smiled more this am, so: :)
don't worry about what's been said--
seems like the best thing we do is be occasional neighborhood friends / exercise partners. Body wants more, mine at least, but we're more than body--
anyways,
I keep stopping by on occasion, so I'll see you sometime. (you always can tell me not to stop too--)
would be cool if we could plan on things and do them--(sometimes we have!)
it could happen again. But the random visits seem to be what we keep up.
not sure what it would take to mean more to each other--all I came up with was: consonant life plans--like joining the peace corps together. We are pretty different though.
If we manage to retain some desire in seeing each other--I like that. Not sure my personality has much to recommend it beyond peace, and generally smiling, I hope. Well!
no need to reply to this of course. Sort of amazes me how little we talk about the more personal. I never feel like being nosy. I imagine though if we talked more--well, this is the one-sided part: I suppose I think you're like an iceberg: tons going on mentally that is never mentioned to me.
i don't suggest we should change that,
but do think that if/when you find a partner where you're more in love, the partner wouldn't feel s/he know only the surface.
i very much wish, too, you'd dive into fear: fear of being seen as ugly, fear of being mistaken for male even, a sort of acceptance of self beyond gender. I've often half imagined what it would be like to love you with a bald shaved head acting man- like. I'm aware I'm not exactly super-masculine-gendered. . . .
well! I Don't expect any change from this--just happy if you'll still say hi to me, and perhaps on occasion we can play some more games. I think a trip could be cool, but I seem to be way more into rough crude stuff/sleeping/eating than you; not sure we should try to resolve that. My friend mike would go camp out with me around SD.
Must focus on work now.
peace,
Colin
--------------------------]
The dentist. That's really why I came here to write.
Goals:
(1) to leave, to work at sea, perhaps.
(2) to care for teeth (this really doesn't seem to be the goal for me)
previous dentists, all bad in some way, selected by proximity,
My flailing about process has so far yielded one appointment on 12/11 @ 11 with Bartell Dental Clinic, TJ. One tentative appointment with a local dentist whom my friend recommends.
The goal is to get that letter.
Today, may call another TJ dentist.
I have faith I'll get through this. In TJ, some people are shot, many not.
That's all. I've called and made and cancelled appts with local cheap dentists. . . I could walk by his place today, go by city heights clinic/china-/vietnam-town, ask there. Could call the green/bio/price-pottinger dentists.
Think I'll call the rodriguez, tj, guy. 1 877 839 2248 (see my del.icio for links). How did I choose by their web sites and calling? His page goofy, but does accept US insurance, has an article about him. . . Bartell: one guy a bit gruff when I called. Pictures before and after [are] all of serious (extensive) work (compared to SD green guide dentists' [more mild] before/after photos). If get xrays, exam in TJ, perhaps could visit local guy whom my friend likes for a second exam. I liked the web pages with pics of dentists themselves.
[Time-honored, evolved way: tribal, proximal, referral. Less natural(?): Internet/YP/distant stranger. But goal is to leave(?) so, get out of hood. "Dive into fear" as I mentioned in email to friend I wished she might do. Adventure. To write about. To get shot and thereby permanently end dental fretting--to be the first white norteamericano daytime-killed in TJ drug wars (a very unlikely event). To not support the car-based, etc., norteamericano dentist lifeway (but instead the less car-based but still ?? TJ dentist lifeway). To learn the border/TJ more. Damn. This is just about the teeth isn't it? Or that letter? Or?]
Who knows. But, in time, however much of a mess I make of this, the dental issue should be resolved. . .
Then or simultaneously perhaps: essay, char. refs.
---
Working, commuting, [are] peaceful, somewhat passionless, [and] freedom from dentist worries, etc., for a few hours. First hours like that in five/six months. No--or very little--"what now?"
Empty, flat, vacant, foolish, shallow: San Diego faces. Interesting that thought came to mind. SD trolley vs NYC subway, and I'm an SD face now. But how peaceful, extinct, passionless, nirvana. [Oh Funny(?) Fatima--her Latina? friend Sophia(?) called her--gazing wide-eyed, (so close, so long,) into my eyes, [I] returning her gaze as best I can. #15, crowded, we let it go, she waits with her electric-wheelchaired friend. Gazing and gazing and smiling. Somali?, headscarved, she flicks and flitters under her (light, opaque, earth-brown {ochre?}, and patterned) garment talking with her friend, revealing glimpses of denim(?). Smiling, spaced, slightly crooked teeth I later notice. When she looks at me, eyes. What is there?]
Teambuilding with 18 Seabees (Navy construction battalion [CB] for resource transfer from ship to land). The epic view: if these sorry and great, insecure and lovable, big and good and homophobic-joking (their chief seemed to set this tone--we could have addressed it, but it takes a bit of forethought such as this now to do so--homophobia is sort of a subset of put-downs/zingers, which were and generally always are addressed.), diverse, dignified in many ways, guys fuck up [or even if not], some of them die. Tears in eyes if dwelling on this, so tried to not. [But I can be nearly as sentimental about/moved by any program--especially with kids, less so with corporate groups usually. But these guys will live and work {and die} together 24/7. . . adding new dimensions to my contemplation.]
It's good work. I don't seek it out more though [maybe I will someday? I don't feel truly competent in it, and yet show great competentness at times--yes, some very extraordinary moments applying these skills. But within the maritime career--can apply them too, more circumscribed, as more of a fellow, less an outsider. . . Yet so much of the (teambuilding) work has an oddness, an opening into 1000 questions, so easy for me to fall through: What is our goal, friends? Can you accomplish a task not knowing the larger goal to which it contributes? Do we ever do otherwise?]. And being with them and at the Navy base, and reading _Moby Dick_, just strengthen my resolve (mirabile dictu) to somehow, eventually, be a civilian sailor. [For however short a time.]
---
Pensions: man works 25 years, retires at 58 with salary of 180k, yearly pension is 160k. SD County. French Revolution. May the recession not end until all gov't pensions fail. Or we can just live with those who get them, such as my grandma (three times married, three? gov't pensions), or my dad (20 years navy). When 3k/year is enough for me (no rent). Manufacture desire. Well, 3k/yr, easy enough, just do what you like--as much as you can--but hints suggest government may once again become concern of public. SD Mayor Jerry Sanders: ~"We do not exist to pay pensions." Not sure what my old age will be like, whether there will be any for me, how much of a charity case I may be, but doubt I will cost anyone's government [or charity] $160,000/year, however gallant or not my service may be. Not responsible, this speech. Not considered. Will lead to no action at this point. Here in nucleus, could later develop with more consideration, responsibility. That retired assessor, for one, may pay some taxes, for example.
---
For the record, been at this all AM (car alarms, trash trucks, but no very nearby leaf blowers), missed AM exercise. Much fiddling with Fatima: "blue jean(?!) interior materiel" -> "pseudodenim", to where it is now, and punctuation, and so on.
Night before work, often mindlessly eat, not at peace, avoiding getting ready, not sure what, same this time. Was up to 199.8lbs, I believe. Now just weighed at 191.0. Either scale fluctuates, or variation due to water weight is significant. Latter possible given the lot of high-fiber stuff I've been eating recently. And how much I peed all night. Oh! and the dreams--
---
Now?
Peace,
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
resting (dentist challenge)
The dentist issue nearly overcame me, could still.
As it is, americanbiodental.com in TJ is giving me some hope. Got through, their English is good, $50 for all preliminaries, $65/filling. Worries: they advertise in the new age mags, Hg filling replacement, huggins protocol.
There is a guy in the neighborhood with a $50 intro too.
Fear walking into DDS office w/o insurance, with only $1000 savings.
Figure I will:
check out medi-cal/denti-cal. . .
Get initial exam, get idea of how much getting a "no work needed" letter will cost.
---
But was doing all the bad coping and avoidance techniques (eating, mainly), then gave up, then got to calling, finally.
By giving up: "I'll have to go a different route, besides the school."
Can update my apps with the other two places (Kirby, NOAA): I've got MMD, TWIC. Look for other jobs to pay the dentist.
---
Well. Realizing I want to be taken care of, helped with this. If I get in to the school & union, then I'm helped from then on. Others can join peace corps, military, americorps, etc.
Just getting a job on a boat. . . suppose I should look more into that.
But if I can deal with the dentist challenge, could be a positive thing, maybe could get regular checkups as recommended.
My fear is due to gums having receded, plus sensitive pits in those areas. And past experience with how fast a US dentist can rack up the bill for questionably-needed work.
---
I work Thursday and next Friday, if no rain, +$450. Hope I can get my dentist letter for $500 or less-- if not, then will look at what else I mentioned.
---
Aimless this AM. Below 190lbs. Made it to Kroc, via visit to friend's (no answer). Met Melissa & Don at pool (new friends), Marcus, Geneva, Roger. Quick kata, swim, weights.
Think when my friend and I are happily occupied, we both know we don't want to get more mixed up with other than we are. . . When we get lonely-ish we seek each other out ("yes, someone in world responds to me!"), walk, play games, have fun. . .then she may say things she will not feel like backing up when she's had time to consider, and perhaps the same here.
---
Made it across hwy, but may not go up and down hill. Yesterday walked to World Market/asian grocer, got dried seaweed, dried shiitake, dried clams & squid (-$15)--mostly useful for backpacking nutrition.
Peace,
As it is, americanbiodental.com in TJ is giving me some hope. Got through, their English is good, $50 for all preliminaries, $65/filling. Worries: they advertise in the new age mags, Hg filling replacement, huggins protocol.
There is a guy in the neighborhood with a $50 intro too.
Fear walking into DDS office w/o insurance, with only $1000 savings.
Figure I will:
check out medi-cal/denti-cal. . .
Get initial exam, get idea of how much getting a "no work needed" letter will cost.
---
But was doing all the bad coping and avoidance techniques (eating, mainly), then gave up, then got to calling, finally.
By giving up: "I'll have to go a different route, besides the school."
Can update my apps with the other two places (Kirby, NOAA): I've got MMD, TWIC. Look for other jobs to pay the dentist.
---
Well. Realizing I want to be taken care of, helped with this. If I get in to the school & union, then I'm helped from then on. Others can join peace corps, military, americorps, etc.
Just getting a job on a boat. . . suppose I should look more into that.
But if I can deal with the dentist challenge, could be a positive thing, maybe could get regular checkups as recommended.
My fear is due to gums having receded, plus sensitive pits in those areas. And past experience with how fast a US dentist can rack up the bill for questionably-needed work.
---
I work Thursday and next Friday, if no rain, +$450. Hope I can get my dentist letter for $500 or less-- if not, then will look at what else I mentioned.
---
Aimless this AM. Below 190lbs. Made it to Kroc, via visit to friend's (no answer). Met Melissa & Don at pool (new friends), Marcus, Geneva, Roger. Quick kata, swim, weights.
Think when my friend and I are happily occupied, we both know we don't want to get more mixed up with other than we are. . . When we get lonely-ish we seek each other out ("yes, someone in world responds to me!"), walk, play games, have fun. . .then she may say things she will not feel like backing up when she's had time to consider, and perhaps the same here.
---
Made it across hwy, but may not go up and down hill. Yesterday walked to World Market/asian grocer, got dried seaweed, dried shiitake, dried clams & squid (-$15)--mostly useful for backpacking nutrition.
Peace,
Monday, December 1, 2008
SelfGuidanceTime|Jest|TranscendentEmerge
Jest: content mind (by) pretending to follow path. Path, however, (is) not goal; content is. [Contrary to UT neocon columnist: Not Happiness for your children, but Work Ethic, Values!]
Path: getting into SIU mariner training.
Steps:
(1) Write essay.
(3) Ask for three written character refs (hardest part [for me]. Want to have essay to give them [refs]. May develop templates for my writers; use template to write letter for my references so I can see what they might go through. Coming up with three not the easiest, given how little I work, socialize, but they are there.)
(2) Get dentist letter saying no work needed.
(4) Finish, send in app.
---
(*) Finish sewing pants.
(*) Exercise, care for self, Adonisize
Today devoted to the last.
Have sort of neglected, abused body for months. . .
But was using it. Exploring range, possibilities. Leaving habits.
Well, (this is the) first week no refined flours. 195.2 lbs right now. Heavy, but with good stuff, and well exercised. Two times a day exercising is the main challenge, and leads to good.
Yesterday PM, managed to emerge, overstuffed (partly with OJ from gann I should have dumped)--but walked and swam, when body at first felt not movable, and was ok spry on the way back.
This AM, not energetic, but then managed to kata and even run a few hills.
This PM, probably the long Del Cerro walk across highway. [will I make it out? At least to cyn?]
A wonder that I'm into all this. Must I develop bad habits, enough overweight to get serious enough to address problem? [left ideal several times before because it was holding me in a life rut, though body nice. If no meaning, why then body?]
This time will I achieve and maintain ideal form. . . ?
Seems body, once rust is broken [thankfully seems I still can/may be able to break through the rust, clean the clogged arteries], could never get enough of sitting, stretching, lifting, dancing. . .
Diet: back on "imported yeast" (Kal and Gaylord Hauser/modernfearn.com same taste) ordered 7 * 28oz for $57 today.
and soaked 9-grain, cracked wheat.
and flax seeds--chew on them.
[and frozen whiting]
and daily green, other colors, [roots,] store bought, at the moment. The garden here would grow if they let it, but they pay Jake now to rake it to bare earth. Many beet and radish seeds have sprouted after the rain. They (Dad and Grandma Ann, or Dad at least) know it is stupid. I of course do very little here and wish to leave. . . so I say. Happy though to see the garden reseeds itself if neglected (beets grew two years, went to seed).
A sort of archaeology of past personal good habits is going on. . .
---
Have been preoccupied with my friend, my neighborhood company and, well, well-- well. . . Imagine.
Images of . . .
---
So I have (stubs of) relationship, career, family. . .
Is enough to keep the mind content enough so that it will care for body with exercise, diet, not turning to food as drug, pastime?
---
Guess that is the general check in. Next up: the essay?
---
If there were any more profound, less self-centered thoughts than these, they have to do with my interaction with my friend. . .
Such such such an odd game we play [progressive mutual throat-baring? -- bite or kiss? That's not it? Her greatest fear is fear of harm? Mine is fear of her attachment to me? {--were that attachment desperate/more than friendly? That is what I fear and she too? What of My own? What alternatives are there for me to this companionship- and sexual attraction-related motivation? Why worry about alternatives? Accept this as it is--.?}]. She mentioned striving for normal (to the barista). I'm about as abnormal as they get [overstatement, but how?]. . . dress, style, habit, not looking to fit in, but will on occasion. . .
But we're all we two have found in our neighborhood [little effort devoted to search. Neither have gone door-to-door. But she did use to work in small neighborhood store. I am persistent, patient, especially when I often walk by your house, it is easy to stop by, and you are more often friendly than not, . . . approachable than distraught]. She finds some more normal guys. . . but is aware how that is not a good thing, often [SD guys from the general pool].
Just noticing how time-filling, mind- and body-preoccupying it is to have her to think of.
{should she read this (doubt she will) will see self presented as weak. . . reinforcing her self-criticism? Doubt she'll be much concerned. . . She writes too, but not for me, and about what am not sure.}
[DNA inside me trying to get out goes a long way to motivating the rest of me. . . So, time to become hard-core vegan (fish vegan this time I think), perhaps will help kill libido. I do not really need {the suggestion from her that at long last, after several years, she not only considers herself lovable, but that . . . } to (in)capacitate me for days [as I once more resume] considering the possibility that has always (in)capacitated me whenever I begin to think it could happen. Much more peaceful, though less exciting, risqué (we really are playing with an odd situation {is it really that odd? As a long-term thing, for her(?), sort of. As compared to 50s idealized TV dinners--er, the ones eating them--YES!}) to have her say . . . ]
Realizing how joyfully mediocre, underachieving I may [finally] be (especially reading the _Rolling Stone_ David Foster Wallace post-mortem). [Only now accepting self as exceptionally not exceptional.]
Sad, a bit, that I may want to shut down public access to this blog. That will, I guess, but perhaps it won't, mess up the feed?
Can't write freely when HR could look this up? Or when wanting to work on ships? Or even when in training at SIU PHC?
---
Cycle: focus on path/becoming: becoming mariner. Focus on body, exercise, diet. Focus on friend. Focus on art, literature, singing. Focus on stillness, sitting.
That's the life?
I'm leaving behind any ideas of being a leader [perhaps as mariner?], of being greatly virtuous [referring to scale, perhaps quality too]. I'm not [and I am/we all are? but to a lesser degree/avoided drugs/learned to sit?] a David Foster Wallace, not an Obama, not an Ellee, not a Poppa Neutrino. . .
Just a guy. Not an Ahab. . .
And that divine thing / or no need to say divine really / that transcending thing
still emerges in, through me
even though, even as
I focus on food, exercise, typing here, female friend, reading, sleeping, . . . relaxing, sitting.
Alex Steffen (worldchanging) really channels the transcendent much more. [not about 'who more' but about 'how all'? --About how we all channel the transcendent becoming.]
Who's to say?
Work ethic in my case: progress in applying to SIU PHC.
In Steffen's case, mobilizing for, visualizing, "bright green future."
And the work ethic of the transcendent emergent?
---
Peace,
Path: getting into SIU mariner training.
Steps:
(1) Write essay.
(3) Ask for three written character refs (hardest part [for me]. Want to have essay to give them [refs]. May develop templates for my writers; use template to write letter for my references so I can see what they might go through. Coming up with three not the easiest, given how little I work, socialize, but they are there.)
(2) Get dentist letter saying no work needed.
(4) Finish, send in app.
---
(*) Finish sewing pants.
(*) Exercise, care for self, Adonisize
Today devoted to the last.
Have sort of neglected, abused body for months. . .
But was using it. Exploring range, possibilities. Leaving habits.
Well, (this is the) first week no refined flours. 195.2 lbs right now. Heavy, but with good stuff, and well exercised. Two times a day exercising is the main challenge, and leads to good.
Yesterday PM, managed to emerge, overstuffed (partly with OJ from gann I should have dumped)--but walked and swam, when body at first felt not movable, and was ok spry on the way back.
This AM, not energetic, but then managed to kata and even run a few hills.
This PM, probably the long Del Cerro walk across highway. [will I make it out? At least to cyn?]
A wonder that I'm into all this. Must I develop bad habits, enough overweight to get serious enough to address problem? [left ideal several times before because it was holding me in a life rut, though body nice. If no meaning, why then body?]
This time will I achieve and maintain ideal form. . . ?
Seems body, once rust is broken [thankfully seems I still can/may be able to break through the rust, clean the clogged arteries], could never get enough of sitting, stretching, lifting, dancing. . .
Diet: back on "imported yeast" (Kal and Gaylord Hauser/modernfearn.com same taste) ordered 7 * 28oz for $57 today.
and soaked 9-grain, cracked wheat.
and flax seeds--chew on them.
[and frozen whiting]
and daily green, other colors, [roots,] store bought, at the moment. The garden here would grow if they let it, but they pay Jake now to rake it to bare earth. Many beet and radish seeds have sprouted after the rain. They (Dad and Grandma Ann, or Dad at least) know it is stupid. I of course do very little here and wish to leave. . . so I say. Happy though to see the garden reseeds itself if neglected (beets grew two years, went to seed).
A sort of archaeology of past personal good habits is going on. . .
---
Have been preoccupied with my friend, my neighborhood company and, well, well-- well. . . Imagine.
Images of . . .
---
So I have (stubs of) relationship, career, family. . .
Is enough to keep the mind content enough so that it will care for body with exercise, diet, not turning to food as drug, pastime?
---
Guess that is the general check in. Next up: the essay?
---
If there were any more profound, less self-centered thoughts than these, they have to do with my interaction with my friend. . .
Such such such an odd game we play [progressive mutual throat-baring? -- bite or kiss? That's not it? Her greatest fear is fear of harm? Mine is fear of her attachment to me? {--were that attachment desperate/more than friendly? That is what I fear and she too? What of My own? What alternatives are there for me to this companionship- and sexual attraction-related motivation? Why worry about alternatives? Accept this as it is--.?}]. She mentioned striving for normal (to the barista). I'm about as abnormal as they get [overstatement, but how?]. . . dress, style, habit, not looking to fit in, but will on occasion. . .
But we're all we two have found in our neighborhood [little effort devoted to search. Neither have gone door-to-door. But she did use to work in small neighborhood store. I am persistent, patient, especially when I often walk by your house, it is easy to stop by, and you are more often friendly than not, . . . approachable than distraught]. She finds some more normal guys. . . but is aware how that is not a good thing, often [SD guys from the general pool].
Just noticing how time-filling, mind- and body-preoccupying it is to have her to think of.
{should she read this (doubt she will) will see self presented as weak. . . reinforcing her self-criticism? Doubt she'll be much concerned. . . She writes too, but not for me, and about what am not sure.}
[DNA inside me trying to get out goes a long way to motivating the rest of me. . . So, time to become hard-core vegan (fish vegan this time I think), perhaps will help kill libido. I do not really need {the suggestion from her that at long last, after several years, she not only considers herself lovable, but that . . . } to (in)capacitate me for days [as I once more resume] considering the possibility that has always (in)capacitated me whenever I begin to think it could happen. Much more peaceful, though less exciting, risqué (we really are playing with an odd situation {is it really that odd? As a long-term thing, for her(?), sort of. As compared to 50s idealized TV dinners--er, the ones eating them--YES!}) to have her say . . . ]
Realizing how joyfully mediocre, underachieving I may [finally] be (especially reading the _Rolling Stone_ David Foster Wallace post-mortem). [Only now accepting self as exceptionally not exceptional.]
Sad, a bit, that I may want to shut down public access to this blog. That will, I guess, but perhaps it won't, mess up the feed?
Can't write freely when HR could look this up? Or when wanting to work on ships? Or even when in training at SIU PHC?
---
Cycle: focus on path/becoming: becoming mariner. Focus on body, exercise, diet. Focus on friend. Focus on art, literature, singing. Focus on stillness, sitting.
That's the life?
I'm leaving behind any ideas of being a leader [perhaps as mariner?], of being greatly virtuous [referring to scale, perhaps quality too]. I'm not [and I am/we all are? but to a lesser degree/avoided drugs/learned to sit?] a David Foster Wallace, not an Obama, not an Ellee, not a Poppa Neutrino. . .
Just a guy. Not an Ahab. . .
And that divine thing / or no need to say divine really / that transcending thing
still emerges in, through me
even though, even as
I focus on food, exercise, typing here, female friend, reading, sleeping, . . . relaxing, sitting.
Alex Steffen (worldchanging) really channels the transcendent much more. [not about 'who more' but about 'how all'? --About how we all channel the transcendent becoming.]
Who's to say?
Work ethic in my case: progress in applying to SIU PHC.
In Steffen's case, mobilizing for, visualizing, "bright green future."
And the work ethic of the transcendent emergent?
---
Peace,
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