Photos up!

San Diego 2008-10-29

let me try to get my

What is going on? I'm in the SDSU computer lab--not as relaxed because it's near peak time. Lots of people want computers. I'm here to finish applying for the SDSU Temp Jobs. Well the guy next to me is playing with his cell phone and watching sports. I'm on a mac. Keyboard set to DVORAK.

I did the full kata + yoga + ballet this am. Will be doing that more, less swimming, weights. Tomorrow AM: 7 laws yoga (Chopra et al.). The lower back, neck has been an issue. All the yoga, dance really helps. And posture throughout day, while walking.

Creative outlet has been resume work. Will finish that today. Yesterday eve, walked by my friend's house--never sure exactly why or for what, no plans. We got to thinking of games we could play. She suggested co-drawing. One draws a line (with non-dominant hand), the other continues. After several drawings (she decided when a drawing was done), she introduced color. She teaches ceramics at a private school. . .

Ah--grandma has been doing well fattening me up. . . but I think I can meet the challenge now of not eating many of the cookies and desserts she makes available. I used to do very well. But got out of practice over the summer.

I talked to her about it and she kept the cookie can empty for a while. But now she's back at it. A compulsive feeder. Partly responsible for her dead husband's prominent belly. Cooks from the box or the can.

Going back over the past to do resume work and contact old employers is engaging.

Meanwhile I'm preparing to apply for the TWIC and MMD so I may be able to go to the Unlicensed Mariner Program and SIU's Paul Hall School. The app arrived Saturday.

I do need to think that through more carefully. So I'll be working on the essay part of the application as soon as I get my temp app in. My initial attempt at it is below.

BUT HOLD ON! What is going on here. I've been quiet partly because. . . partly because the HR people may google me. . . partly because I've been working on the resume. Partly because I've been enjoying being quiet. I was feeling manic the other evening--but I know that will pass. Is there any reason to write about that--to tweet it?

There was a collection of articles in the library about Greg Mortenson's work in Pakistan building rural schools. Some acclaimed greatness, significant public service, to contemplate.

What about writing here. . .

The mania came perhaps from believing I had an engaging future of things to do, to work for. That I was in the flow. Talking with my dad about the sea school possibility was good.

Tangerines, Jujube, Guava, Tangerines ate those on the way here. Grandma was laid-out dead-like on the couch. My early rising, good for me, and a bit of a new thing, perhaps disruptive, but need not be. Getting the fallen guavas the owner came out to tell me I could pick from the tree (had enough from the ground) and offered some persimmons. I told her about SD Food Not Lawns.

Proust v. Mortenson. What has education given me? He's a tool of the flow--but challenged to go slow, to care for his self, body. His wife, a psych: he's an introvert, needs time unplugged. Joined the army in '75 as a medic, when it was unpopular. One of those cross-cultural people, as noted by the author of "Left my heart in Accra"(? - worldchanging poster).

I guess that's it? The unreadable brain-dump is over?

Walking back, mind running, quickly eating tangerines. . . stop to remember "peace is every step," slow down, pay attention to breathing, focus on the footfall.

--

"Why I want to work in the Maritime Industry" (initial draft initiation)

Blog post:

Today I got the application for the Unlicensed Apprentice Program at the Paul Hall Center of the Seafarers International Union (seafarers.org).

One of the requirements is this essay. There are many other requirements having to do with physicals and background checks. Before I begin working on getting my MMD, TWIC, physicals (-$400+), it would be good to see if I can write this essay and to think things through more.

I may be as much as 20 years older than some of the people in this program. There are other options for college grads, but here, once in, your finances are covered.

Why this rather than 50 million other things I could do? I really don't know (a moment of terror, a glimpse of the void). Here are a few ideas.

I seem to appreciate the structure. I should be able to, eventually, work my way through the requirements and bureaucracy. Without the requirements and hoops to jump through, how would I structure my life? Mike M. has got a boat and a dream and the will to sail across the pacific hunting and gathering along the way. Others have dreams for what they can make happen or grow on some land. I don't!

Let's take a second to consider the possibility of going with Mike M or Redpillsailor. The only comparable thing I've done is helping Rod on his house at Earthaven. I learned a lot but did not stay. Redpill sounds nice and reasonable. Mike more creative and skilled. . . Why would I trust bureacracy over these very personal opportunities? There is the issue of money equaling freedom. As a licensed mariner I can sail for money part of the time and take the more personal opportunities the rest of the time.


The structure of the bureacracy is like the structure of genres of writing. The sonnet is highly structured. Generally the novel is too. Most people's lives are as well. I'm somewhat outside the lines--not as far as Mike M, perhaps, but I've been making relatively free-form life-poetry for 20+ years now?

If you can jump through the hoops, maritime careers [. . .]

Essay.

Why I want to work in the Maritime Industry

Blog post:

Today I got the application for the Unlicensed Apprentice Program at the Paul Hall Center of the Seafarers International Union (seafarers.org).

One of the requirements is this essay. There are many other requirements having to do with physicals and background checks. Before I begin working on getting my MMD, TWIC, physicals (-$400+), it would be good to see if I can write this essay and to think things through more.

I may be as much as 20 years older than some of the people in this program. There are other options for college grads, but here, once in, your finances are covered.

Why this rather than 50 million other things I could do? I really don't know (a moment of terror, a glimpse of the void). Here are a few ideas.

I seem to appreciate the structure. I should be able to, eventually, work my way through the requirements and bureaucracy. Without the requirements and hoops to jump through, how would I structure my life? Mike M. has got a boat and a dream and the will to sail across the pacific hunting and gathering along the way. Others have dreams for what they can make happen or grow on some land. I don't!

Let's take a second to consider the possibility of going with Mike M or Redpillsailor. The only comparable thing I've done is helping Rod on his house at Earthaven. I learned a lot but did not stay. Redpill sounds nice and reasonable. Mike more creative and skilled. . . Why would I trust bureacracy over these very personal opportunities? There is the issue of money equaling freedom. As a licensed mariner I can sail for money part of the time and take the more personal opportunities the rest of the time.


The structure of the bureacracy is like the structure of genres of writing. The sonnet is highly structured. Generally the novel is too. Most people's lives are as well. I'm somewhat outside the lines--not as far as Mike M, perhaps, but I've been making relatively free-form life-poetry for 20+ years now?

If you can jump through the hoops, maritime careers

Essay.

Compassion? Others' welfare as guide

Taking a break after swimming, weights, to rest.

I ordered two new pairs of shoes from zappos.com last night. One, a $64 pair of Nikes, another, a $39 pair of Reeboks. Sure about the Nikes, not about the 'boks--that they'll fit and I can wear them into the ground without problems. If I go visit Mike M and learn to make shoes, I'll do that instead. It's the balls of my feet--

Laurie led a wonderful bit of Iyengar (sp?) yoga last night (using a web page of standing poses for guidance). Long holding of poses, very nice, plus relaxing music during a long, dreamy dead-person's pose at the end. I've been neglecting dance, yoga, full-body flex and awareness. . . feels so good to not.

She also walked with me to a shoe store. How happy I am. Life is better with a companion? I so don't want to say that (because companionless I and others will read it). We all have to be content with and even value absence of a companion. I've been seeking to work with others. Lucky to already sort of be. Lucky to have zappos too.

Never heard back from Jorge in Ensenada. Was it my Nikes? Never really made it into the in-group of SD anarchists. . .

---

I did go to State and begin to continue work on the temp application, but only barely. Then got to looking for urban planning internships. Then at Americorps. Then at USA Freedom Corps (HooRah!), which helped me find The Center for the Blind, less than a half-mile away probably, to volunteer for. Got to looking at Attra.org (?) farm internships. There are tons. Why am I not there? Tried that already? Is my future in the city? There's also an LA org--see my del.icio links--which has reclaimed dead lots, made great public space, that seeks an Americorps volunteer.

---

I logged into linkedin.

Because, to apply to volunteer with Americorps, one is supposed to list all jobs held for the last 10 years.

Couldn't I just list them at linkedin and have every other job app take them from there? Given that it will take at least an hour of high-focus mindless labor per app to fill in the jobs I've had since '98? Linkedin--can you help?

Well. . . , since '98. That's not so bad actually. Dedicated mindless labor can bring great peace.

Logged into Facebook too, and saw a note posted by George Kao (georgekao.com, www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1234621): www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=41595484448 . My distilling:

"Seek the welfare of others. This challenges us differently. This is how we grow." (compassion)

This was good reinforcement for volunteering at The Center for the Blind, and I soon set off that way, obtaining at last an application which does not ask for ten years' history.

---

Found myself noting, not pleasantly, the repetition of the walk to the Kroc Center early this AM (I've been benefiting from having to get there early due to polo teams using whole pool around 830).

Asked Bill (a very young 80+, tennis competitor, cannonball lifter) how he finds joy in doing the same thing so often, in the same place, for so long. "It's not what you're doing, but who you're doing it with."--this was a quick response. He's the happy pool- and weight room companion of Marion--who has a less-energetic husband, with whom and others they meet afterwards, three times a week, at the Starbucks in the nearby Save-a-Lot strip mall.

Later, on the walk back from the Center, I resorted to an audiobook: Thoreau in "Walking" celebrating wandering (and noting he has a companion sometimes, a fellow knight errant, saunterer, seeker of the holy land).

--

Is compassion the whole story?

Laurie told me of _River Horse_ by William Least Heat-Moon. He went across the USA by river as much as possible--most miles in a motorboat, but also in a motor canoe and whitewater raft--and wrote about it.

George posted another quote: Helen Keller: I so much want to do something of great virtue, but must do small things with great virtue. Something like that.

It's desire for great (Csikszentmihalyi) Flow/dao? To not be questioning one's task.

My personal dialectic has swung from "vow of stability" / 'commitment to place' to 'exploration of movement'.

(If one remains in the same place, or even if one moves, one must be engaged in creating, in appreciating, for life to be ever new?)

---

The welfare of others is their freedom to move/create (be at peace) in order to help others move/create (be at peace)?

Impression of greatness of soul: Thich Nhat Hanh gives the impression, Thanissaro Bikkhu does so less (because in his writing he has defined his self in opposition. . .) TNH teaches compassion, all-embrace in his writings and in what little I've seen of his monks. . . With Thanissaro B. (and with me) one expects to be received more critically. On meeting a soul: "How can I help him find the true path?" says Thanissaro B. "How can I help her know peace?" says TNH. "How can I not be hurt and have fun too?" says I.

(note: Thanissaro Bikkhu / accesstoinsight.org --in particular the very simple meditation instructions of Ajaan Shah(?), focus on your belly breathing--have helped me. I would not *not* have him. What use is there in labeling TNH the greater? I've learned from both, but so far have only sought out, witnessed TNH & his students.)

My life manifests that narrow soul--concern with personal peace, adventure, well-being.

---

So there is a group consciousness!! Or at least many individuals wishing to do something great for the welfare of others.

Compassion requires there to be suffering?

When we think of TNH, Mother Teresa. . . Albert Schweitzer(? Doctor in Africa?), and wish to be like them, what is going on? Not Shakespeare, Dickinson, Edison, Einstein. . . Washington, Jefferson.

The former came from or sought suffering; successfully organized, large-scale, to alleviate it, while also (idealized or in fact) behaving in a manner which increased the creative love of those who interacted personally with them.

Gandhi. . . too, perhaps not as picture-perfect interpersonally, but we'd not *not* have him. Even, or very often, the great leaders have, and can pass on unhelpfully to others, self-criticism. Ramakrishna even? but perhaps not Ramana Maharshi (sp?).
Wilber, now that I think of it, very nearly does *not* pass on self-criticism, yet is replete with criticism, a bit of a paradox, due to his always or very often ending on the note: we're always already there (and always seeking greater wholeness).

Chogyam Trungpa's (I know that's spelled wrong and/or the name of her teacher) interview in _The Sun_ has influenced my focus here. She notes: there's always been suffering, the feeling that something's wrong. Here in the west it's become "something is wrong with me."

Stephen Covey shares this message too: if you ever are negatively critical of anyone, others get the idea that you could be critical of them too--and while I don't think he adds this: there's a good chance you get down on yourself as well.

NVC, non-violent communication, probably addresses whatever it is I'm getting at. And other things. Christianity.

---

As Franklin notes in his autobiography (when explaining why he began to eat fish after years of eating no meat [the fish eat each other, and besides, they taste good]), being a reasonable person is a good thing--one can come up with reasons for whatever one might want to do.

What does working for the welfare of others mean for me right now?

Stages: looking around, seeing & experiencing unhappy, unhealthy people, resolving not to be that way one's self = pursuit of personal happiness, regardless of convention (convention did not serve many of those we've left behind). To the point where unconventional health-seeking becomes conventional. . . (in one's subgroup or in the larger culture. Both, in this case).

That's somewhat where I am stuck. Somewhat what Thoreau may represent.

I've gravitated toward people who serve: volunteers, Quakers, carfree cities activists, green builders, ecovillage founders, teachers, gardeners, facilitators, permaculturists, green business students, Buddhists. . .

I've never really done anything for the welfare of others? Always seeking this personal sense of flow? Windsurfing, biking, loving, walking, feeling, reading, swimming, dancing, writing, leading, drawing, rowing, eating, thinking, programming, running, singing, playing, kissing, climbing, stretching, sitting, tasting, relaxing, resting, sleeping, sailing, dreaming, applying, meeting, experiencing something new.

--

Circles of concern, another Covey concept--I'm left with that. In seeking to work, walk, sail, etc, with others, there will at least be one other's welfare to seek.

Compassion, seeking the welfare of others remains a limited guide for me? The personal, self-interested sense of flow (of dao?), more salient?

Peace,