2009-07-19-1013 What can I say? I'm still alive. Got a new watch battery for my $5 ironman (off ebay yrs ago) -$2.16. They let me use an eyeglass kit screwdriver to open/close the watch--the UCSB bookstore. Batteries cheaper there than anywhere. I am attached to the watch. Have never had one last and remain unlost for so long.
Did laundry (-$3). Called mom, dad, partly cause called Eric, who may walk Ojai -> QS starting tomorrow.
I could tell you what I ate. But I have yet to return to an OA/EDA mtg since Sequoia NP. I'm just doing what I do.
Went to two dance rehearsals. Hey I found a kite surfing board (my first walk out east beach bluffs) & returned it by calling a number on it. And today gave a cell phone to the cashier at the IV coop. Found under swing on Pardall.
So--got two letters from G. Ann. Downloaded paperwork from NAL job.
I volunteered a week with WYP, camping all the while. More riding in cars than in decades (since 1994). I've yet to be dismissed. I'm making a contribution and helpful. I still do some graceless things / am not perfect.
It (volunteering w/ WYP), so far, helps build confidence for doing the NAL work. But WYP is likely more tolerant / less conventional than NAL.
--
I've got ebooks (Mostly from gutenberg.org) on the cell phone. Clié was retired since solio not working, but phone is fine--until winter's long nights maybe (full charge = 3 to 4 days daytime reading!!--no way (?) to turn off backlight and keyboard lighting which come on at night, but good to have to sleep then). MobiReader does well with html files (imageless, in general). Was reading _The Idiot_ by Dostoyevsky because Rbec mentioned it when I spoke to her about Ayn Rand--Rbec said it was not a positive book, perhaps like _Atlas Shrugged_.
Still have yet to finish that and (it) might be good to read that book on normal eating.
--
Have uploaded more photos, but still keeping everything locked down.
So not much motive to pay the $0.25 to post.
--
Laurel, one of the instructors I worked with--not in my group.
--
Monica on the bus. The capoeira ista. Other dancers. Chelsie. Erin. Crystal. Silas. Kate. ? My own body. Health, teeth, gums. OralBreeze.
The 24x SB->UCSB. Spanish from Spain. Holland. Ireland. São Paulo (sp?) Brasil. Victoria's Secret. Brown eyes. Thy. Asking, Italian. To study English.
--
"Hey-- that looks like smoke. . ."
--
So, what do you have to tell me.
--
The business of reproduction.
Creative modification.
Portable gas chambers: old cars, rvs.
--
Dominique, Dan, Warren, Jessica, Gifts From Girls (eggs), Erica, Dave, Sage, NickiAnn, Lesley, Andrew. Luca, Shaw, Dylan, Ainsley, Megan, Hannah, Jack, Jacob, Max, Micah (eye), Cody (!). Tree Frogs. Crayfish. Minnows. Ainsley's Springtail. Carlos' (?)--10 legs, inch long, antennae as long as body. Knives, tracks, bows and arrows, split willow, poison oak, peeing, pooping, swimming. Mud fight. Bow fire. Flaking. First aid. And? Sunscreen, food, eating. Turtle. Dead. Logs. Fire. Drinking water. Games. Car music. . . "I'm grateful for the whole wide world!" "Darn you! Say something specific." Soccer. Cashews. Butter. Cream cheese. Cans. Eziekel bread / sprouted grain. Figs. Farm. Farmers market. Rocky nook. Don't live anywhere. Red okra. Dolphin. Dead seal. Frozen. Kelley. Gum. Humptydumpty. Dreams. Rest. Not wanting to walk. Public urination. Open fires. Shade. Beach. DoGooders. Stories. Open casket. Pokemon. Body surf. Coaching. Tully. Sebastian. Love. MJ. East Beach homeless memorial. Slovokian cyclist. Count of monte cristo. Dan fontaine "Colin, I have something in my pocket for you." Shaka. Money. Rusty's pizza(?). Obama healthcare sermon. Friendly homeless lady, "how are you?" And what should we do about our grandparents who watch so much TV? do ants sleep? Apocrypha, young Jesus' words struck them dead. Proto-masculine behavior. Pitcher. Luca woven. Photos. Let me go. Jumping. Algae. Hawk. Hook. Kate. Let me go. Fly. Sky like the roof of a tent.
2009-07-06-1800 Ayn Rand (~Eye Dollar) and Bill W./Dr. Bob (AA cofounders), their work, their contrast.
Life now carries me: volunteer for WYP.org the last three weeks of this month. Then possibly walk to QS. And NAL job begins 8/24.
2009-07-02-0600 33 and as directionless as 0.
2009-07-01-0901 Dreams. Champa C, good food. Among giant sequoias. Thy will. Teeth cleaning. Future planning. A bit of sitting.
Was desiring to be more with people. Was persisting in questioning custom by which some people spend time together. In forest solo once more (vs. on sailboat, for example). Thy will.
From the AA Big Book, a focus on submitting own will to higher power, to stop trying to be the director of life. Instead, ask to serve higher power, know what occurs is the will of life. Identify one's resentments, if any, and seek to no longer resent--
Use as mantra / prayer / mental focus phrases such as:
Thy will be done.
Thy will, not mine, be done.
May I serve others. May I think of others.
Am I right now [ / was that action ] focused on self or others?
(Self-focus and resentments seem to exacerbate addictive, diseased, mal-functioning behavior.)
"Thy will be done" seems to be the root prayer or thought, though--"Thy" signifying God, Way of Life, Dao--because often self-care and self-enjoying, nourishing behavior is willed by higher power.
--
So that is all--Thy will be done.
And that has been helping me recently more than meditative or mindfulness practices to settle a fretting mind and to live and act with more peace.
And still to consider more: step four, "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
What are my faults? How have I / do I wrong others and self? What rationalizations / resentments have I (made) to overlook or avoid addressing these? Consider starting with the seven (deadly?) sins.
Recent effects:
Think of Lesley (trip organizer), grandma, mom, dad, Rebecca, rather than self. How can I serve? With Lesley: perhaps be sure to have bear canister while with her instead of going without, for example. Do not make things more difficult for her. For the others: write letters while out here.
And do I stay out here until Lesley comes? Champa C's veggies, fruit, eggs, sandwiches help me be more content, not seeking to leave (perhaps I'd visit Monterey). And the sequoias, and getting to lower, warmer, tree-happy locations. Next: Lodgepole store. . . tomorrow or next day.
twnmbd
And what is my will anyway? I do not know it, have not known it (evidence: these posts?), and that is where the AA book has helped. Stop fretting about trying to direct. (In at least some important areas) You haven't been doing well (evidence: your compulsive drinking, eating, drug use, [your problem here], etc.).
And besides all that, the style and datedness of the text is compelling.
And I'm unable to finish _Atlas Shrugged_ because the Solio charger is malfunctioning (I can no longer charge my Palm Clié, but I had put a copy of the AA texts on my cell phone too, which [the texts] I read with MobiReader, which [the cell phone, a Nokia E62,] I have a light-weight wall charger for and which was the last thing successfully charged by the Solio, the day I binged on Ayn Rand, and which I was able to charge a bit more from an outlet on the porch at SilverCityResort.com yesterday).
And that text [, _Atlas Shrugged_,] may be part unhelpful to me, watering certain harmful seeds among some good ones. For example: the text elaborates that there is nothing more sorry than a person without a purpose, without--as far as I've read--presenting how one gains purpose. Perhaps the prevailing moral code [Or that of one's parents and friends. But a sister and brother go opposite ways, so it appears to be genetic.] and resulting government structure influence whether people develop a will to achieve and create [a will to produce] (and consume) vs. a will to loot and to live off achievements of others (and consume).
[_The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_, which I listened to a bit of while walking the Rattlesnake Creek dirt bike trail--hot, dusty, and recently burnt(?), with sparse trees perhaps hard-hit by the pine-borer beetle or grub--, had a bit to say about that too: For many years the Empire was able to continue to expand and soldiers could be rewarded with land, slaves, and some level of citizenship. Gibbon also mentioned that many of the rich created grand public works--such as baths and aqueducts--of use to the common citizen, and these works were privately funded (meaning 'directed by one person'?). Well, I suppose today we can say the iPhone is privately funded, though Central Park is only partly so.]
And, today, my [up to this point] hesitance to produce [and to participate]. . . (Well, that was leading to some thought related to how today's [yesterday's?] system, Rand's system[?], is also based in infinite and perhaps self- & ecologically- destructive expansion--but this may be a resentment and a rationalization. . .
Life is[?] infinite expansion, in the right ways, and the current expansion may be headed to some synthesis of Rand capitalist/libertarian production, permaculture, and Bill McDonough cradle-to-cradle -style manufacturing, among many other endeavors, explorations, and areas of expansion.)
[--]
I resented for a while that the Solio stopped working and that, after a day of avoiding walking by enjoying reading Rand, I could not continue the reading binge and had to walk on. . .
2009-06-26-1445 [Resenting mind, body I do not know how to use.
"Do not think." do not use the mind.] Along Rattlesnake Creek / 33E19 / 33E22, perhaps near where Beach Creek comes in, maybe 7 miles from the Kern River / Golden Trout Wilderness.
Been on the trail 4 nights, after a night in Bakersfield, also along the Kern.
Was reading Alcoholic Anonymous' _Big Book_.
I did not get the teaching sailing job, mainly because I blabbed too much about not living in a house to the instructor of my 101 class and he told others.
But consider: no Lifeguard class, no sailing job; without planned sailing job, may have got UCSB lifeguard job, and then may have missed family vacation (San Diego to SLO, SD Fair, Old Globe play, Getty villa, wedding). Losing sailing job, now I'm here. I have place, time to heal. To eat less (to practice eating for nutrition rather than for entertainment and other reasons). To study. To get in shape. I believe also I'll get to volunteer for two weeks with WYP, July 20-31. I may also get to meet Lesley near Florence Lake 7/13-15 and walk that week with her.
Reading AA's _Big Book_: a big focus on submission to higher power. In many ways the book nails / zeros in on my dilemma. (How do I live?)
It mentions listing resentments as being part of one of the steps (the moral inventory?), and then looking at those resentments to see how one could do better, or: excusing the object of resentment because it is sick / damaged as one has already admitted one is.
Perhaps not exactly right, but we can reread (it's free for Palm at Memoware, $1 for IPhone at ITunes).
Resentment does seem central to my escape from life / harmful use of food. I resent that the world in which most people consider life or action as taking place is not beautiful.
It is something to be tolerated. And it barely tolerates me, I feel, at times.
But here is a home for me. My submission to the way of life, to my higher power, took me here.
And how do I decide? When I feel conflicted, I step back, no need, really, to decide. Way of Life will soon be clear.
---
So, after losing that last job, I've locked down more of my online presence--this blog (locked earlier), photos, etc. Twitter still is public. I'm nearly about to experience life with no money (except $200/mo for food). 8/24 paid training for my next job may start, ojala (way-of-life willing).
--
Also was reading Rand _Atlas Shrugged_ again.
--
So I pray that God will use me. Pray to be used by the way of life. "May I serve life." "Life act through me."
--
Below is the only other thing I've written from 20 days ago.
2009-06-06-1930 On a hillside, head in mosquito net. I visited Kate today, she gave me a hug. So changing of life is that? I've been to Three different Overeaters Anonymous meetings since last Tuesday. And telling you that, if you know my last name may not be following their principles.
I went to Wilderness Youth Project volunteer initiation. Valuable. Jess told a story about all of creation getting their missions (whom to eat, who to run from, and so on). Except the human. Something eventually whispered to that lost soul: "psst! You're here to enjoy it all!"
We played zookeeper tag. The body harm I'd done to self apparent, We walked through an area looking for things Julian(?) got from along the way ahead of time which we'd got to glimpse for 10 seconds before the walk. Before that we'd done a sense meditation, led by Jess, checking in, eyes closed, with each of our senses. Are your eyes shaded? How do they feel? One differ than other? Does light you sense change? Sound. Smell. Can you smell yourself? Inhale. Can you smell that we're in an area that has burned? Skofield Park--once owned by the Rancheros Visitadores. Showers, grilles, water. . .
Rain the next morning. Casa Franchesi / Franchesi (sp?) Park. More open space. Meeting for sb sail center youth camp intructors.
The last night I spent near UCSB was Monday? I now have an SB-downtown-proximal spot/home. Beautiful.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
w/out dream
Caught by any little thing.
what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.
I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.
I did not read much.
I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.
I volunteered with WYP.
I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.
I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.
So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.
Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.
But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.
I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.
I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.
[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.
She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.
That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?
What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?
(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.
The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]
[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]
I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?
A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.
A new spot.
This is for Kurt, who emailed?
We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."
What should manage it?
No answers here.
What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?
I've narrowed life down.
The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.
I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.
So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?
Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.
Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.
We read and write for joy.
Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .
Hi _______________ !
So many . . .
So much . . .
---
That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?
a breath and a smile.
----------------
from ~0830 this morning:
Asunto: to live without dreams
Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.
Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.
My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.
No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.
what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.
I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.
I did not read much.
I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.
I volunteered with WYP.
I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.
I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.
So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.
Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.
But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.
I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.
I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.
[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.
She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.
That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?
What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?
(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.
The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]
[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]
I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?
A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.
A new spot.
This is for Kurt, who emailed?
We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."
What should manage it?
No answers here.
What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?
I've narrowed life down.
The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.
I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.
So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?
Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.
Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.
We read and write for joy.
Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .
Hi _______________ !
So many . . .
So much . . .
---
That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?
a breath and a smile.
----------------
from ~0830 this morning:
Asunto: to live without dreams
Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.
Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.
My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.
No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.
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