Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, April 6, 2012
Citydweller
All the posts except 'About' have been put back in draft mode so I can have a clean(er) slate for the future.
I may be posting something at a different blog in the future. Forget! Forget!
[on 2015-01-31 they were republished. Search engine fodder? some embarassing stuff is in here but so what. It was a long time ago.]
I may be posting something at a different blog in the future. Forget! Forget!
[on 2015-01-31 they were republished. Search engine fodder? some embarassing stuff is in here but so what. It was a long time ago.]
Monday, January 30, 2012
A return to the West! Hooray!
 |
| by Jessica Barnthouse I had spent several days mainly laying still reading prior to this photo--_Little Women_ was one of the texts. _The Mastery of Love_ another. In other words I really needed exercise and was not feeling too chipper. Did my best to smile with eyes still recovering from looking near. Grateful to encounter two friendly, interesting cyclists after days alone. It's 12/21. I go on to scoot out of the way ~5 miles to see if the EO Wilson Biophilia center is open. No. Later in the day Erni turns his van around to wait for me, and I accept his offer of a ride. |
It is time for an update. There is far too much to write. I had the goal of writing what I might write here in my Molskine journal book first (I have both small
and large
sizes) and then typing it in.Here, though, is my current situation: I'm in the computer room of the Kroc Center in San Diego, having just joined for $35 or so per month. I may be here through March 4th. The Molskine I began to write in is not here.
It took me a while to settle into deciding to make that month commitment.
Yes there is too much to write and not really any hope of covering it all or making sense of the past. . .
Yet Magic is one theme. Looking back at previous posts you will notice I had a goal of avoiding thinking less--you can see that in that post from the library at Mobile, AL.
My first discovery in which "the trip gives me what I need" was Ernest Dimnet's _The Art of Thinking_ (1928) which I believe should be freely available on the internet and in the public domain. . . This was a wonderful thrift store find and continues to influence how I live. The following was a rush to read the first time:
There is in every man a feeling of enmity to things whether they happen or only exist. We hate the crowded, confused lumber-room where no motion is free, we want to push rubbish out of our sight and reduce objects to a minimum as the Carthusian does in his white cell with just a plain black cross on the wall. The notion of a vacuum is repellent to us, but let enough appear round us and above us to create the idea of a shelter and we breathe freely and happily. We "find ourselves" as the phrase goes, our poor, neglected self, dearest of friends, yet dragged along everywhere like an ill-treated dog, hardly every spoken to or taken notice of, going where it listeth not, till at last the unnaturalness of it all appears, and, for a few hours, we live instead of just being alive. (_The Art of Thinking_, Ernest Dimnet, p. 92, 1961/1928)I felt, in reading Dimnet, I found someone who understands how I am, how I feel, how I wish to be.
Another significant discovery was _The Last American Man_ by Elizabeth Gilbert. And _The Education of Little Tree_. _LAM_ is epic/tragic/ an OEdipus Rex that is still happening as I write now. . . I've explained why in person several times. . . not sure I shall try again here.
Another find was: Jim McCormick, a life coach who does not use computers-- only the phone, with no texting-- who invited me to stay (I did not) and recommended I read _As Man Thinketh_ by James Allen. The copy I got included _From Poverty to Power_.
Jim addressed my concern with my avoiding of thinking directly in these recommendations. . .
I also met one super fast through hiker and was following the footsteps of another. These gave me much to think about / follow up later.
Where does that leave me now? I have a few ideas.
Let me explain the recent "Magic":
- Jim invites me back and tells me about the book when I get around to calling him.
- Considering his invitation helps me realize I've had it with Florida and wish to be back where much of the family is converging (San Diego). I get a Southwest ticket for $184 (which lets me take two bags free--that gets my scooter with me easy).
- I do my WFR recert and catch my flight. . . with experiences & encounters along the way yet unwritten. And scoot from the SD airport to my Point Loma grandparents' house (30 min).
- I mail a letter to Leslie, who I've been writing every so often this year, and who once camped with me in the mountains of Santa Barbara. Without reading the inside of the letter she gets in touch so we can meet. We meet (while babysitting my niece Asa) and later tentatively plan to camp out east of SD over two days or so in the future.
- The idea of camping out / hiking to the east starts to seem to me to be a bad one. Do I even want to be with people in that way any more? Do I even want to be out there any more? Lots of doubt about lots of things.
- A memory of the Sea to Sea trail comes to me. That at least would be a newer location for me. I email my friend telling her about this idea early in the morning on a computer (my dad's) I did not plan on starting to use. (and why did I feel compelled to tell her by email at 2 in the morning. . . no quick answer but it seemed important that I do it then). I did not plan on starting to use computers again outside of libraries. . . I was doing pretty well with that and enjoying avoiding computers. I had learned to use his computer while getting instructions for tying and making my "invisible shoes" huaraches (if you order them after following that link, I get a commission! You will not be sorry once you take the time to make them and figure out how to tie them.), which I've been wearing and loving ever since. . .
- At 02:30 that morning, I discover that WYP.org has an adult sit spot and solos program coming up-- exactly the thing I'm interested (or once said I was and believe I still am interested) in making happen for others-- Perhaps I should get out of SD and go.
- I get to thinking more about the Sea to Sea trail route and how I and another might get there and get out. . .
- I think about getting another Razor A5 for my friend to ride. Which I have money for because my Grandma Ann who died on 12/30 gave me a bit. And which I'm pretty sure I could sell to someone. . .
And I'll not mention the following ideas here because it will be better to write about them after they are realized. If they are.
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Let me conclude this somewhat thoughtless blog post by saying:
I'm glad to back in CA. I'm glad to be staying in one spot with a swimming pool and more resources and friends and family for at least one month (as I got to do for about 5 days in Gainesville, FL with my aunt and uncle and dogs Nugget and Max). I'm glad to not be wandering any more and living outside and I'm not sure how much I'll continue to wander as I have been.
I've made many good discoveries. I've continued to be challenged and uncertain at times by life and the same issues as before. I have not lapsed as much into unthinking habit as I used to though. This may be progress.
"Magic" / Life seems to be taking me somewhere--
My goals for being in SD:
- Possible Lifeguard Recert March 2, 3, 4 at the Kroc Center.
- Avoid using computers. Write in my molskine and write letters and post cards more.
- See my mom, other sister and nephew when they arrive.
- Do something with the scooter.
- Wear these huaraches (if you order them after following that link, I get a commission!) which are helping my feet feel very good (this is significant. . . as anyone who has walked across a state as big as Arizona before. . . (Shay) can tell you). I could explain why they are better than other barefoot shoes right now, but I will save it.
- Take care of my body, exercising it in ways I haven't been: swimming, playground bars, and sleeping and doing everything else with awareness of posture, spine alignment-- how what I'm doing feels and can I make it feel good and restorative. . . see egwellness.com if you haven't.
- Help clean up Grandma Ann's house so it can be sold.
Other goals?
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One way I've been helped to not be as unthinking:
The paper is not delivered to where I'm staying. I don't distract myself with it. I have begun to scheme how I could get a copy of The New Yorker or The Sun Magazine, but I have enough to work with.
Another way:
I began to keep a media journal (as some people keep food journals) making a note of/about every bit of media I picked up to read. . .
No mindless reading, in other words. I've kept to that for the most part. Mainly because I've had more than enough to think about and have not felt like reading.
I briefly made a resolution to plan for my own death: how I'd be disposed of, where, and so on. Seems I may not follow through. . . At the time I didn't have interesting plans and thought I'd start taking responsibility for my life by working backwards. . . after talking with my dad about how Grandma Ann died and seeing how my mom's dad is likely to go. . . And believing I'd like to be buried and rot without preservatives (accomplishing that these days can be challenging, especially if you do not die near where you wish to be buried). Disposal by buzzards (a native american way & mentioned in _Last American Man_) is also intriguing. And what will I do when other people in my family die? What should our family do? Some sort of doing something other than nothing with the dead was once considered a sign that humans had culture where animals did not?
And I cannot let it lie I guess: my oddness with food continues to be a part of how I live. I'll just mention that. . . It's a complex thread to follow I think, and I plan to stick with watching media use for now and thinking vs unthinking and considering what true wealth is--according to James Allen:
Your true wealth is your stock of virtue, and your true power the uses to which you put it. Rectify your heart, and you will rectify your life. Lust, hatred, anger, vanity, pride, covetousness, self-indulgence, self-seeking, obstinacy,- all these are poverty and weakness; whereas love, purity, gentleness, meekness, compassion, generosity, self-forgetfulness, and self-renunciation,- all these are wealth and power. (_From Poverty to Power_)
Also, there were a lot of bugs in Florida. And it got warmer at night than I was expecting. I need to have a bug tent with a floor if I go back again. I got bitten a lot by ticks and probably chiggers, though I'm still not sure what a chigger is.
There is also a Planned Parenthood a short walk from where I now stay, making it convenient, I think, to do something encouraged at this web site that is blocked on the computers here. Those were chigger bites or some other kind of bug bite I am sure, slow to heal in the moist conditions of the warm, humid unwashed Florida nights, but even so, I'll follow Shay's example and see what, if anything, I might have picked up over the years. Especially before further steps along this path. Yeah, and I had that split in the left side of my mouth that took a while to go. (used/using coconut oil) . . and you may remember how worn out I was when I arrived in TN on 9/12.
---
The j9k.org domain now is no longer a web forward--
I wanted my solos page to look a little better. Solos.j9k.org or j9k.org/solos. There should be an ad in communities magazine about that.
What I'm here to do with people continues to be a bit of a mystery-- especially with my preference for often being alone. I have had fun re-meeting Jonathan, Andy, Laurie, Leslie, my relatives (and it is fun to have new ones), and now the people I knew from the pool,
- Melissa Regas. . . Sketches of a DisABLED Princess
- Andy Schell _Flying Camels and Tiger Mothers_, _My Best Man_ and Jonathan Louie Design
- Laurie Kramer (maker of pottery and ceramic birdhouses and fun and my oldest friend here)
There will be others. Eric Shanower could show up. Foolish to add that link?
And the many others who do not have web pages. Heather, Tim, Andrea, Charles. The homeless guy Jimmy or Johnny who called out "Nature Man!" as I was walking away. . . "You know I'm talking to you!" "You used to sit under trees and eat nature food. . ." (figs)
Buddha-For-You moved to the shopping center right next to Grandma Ann's old house and David Viafora teaches classes there. http://buddha-for-you.com/classes/
You can still get a free week trial at the SDSU arc, and there's an abandoned corner on campus where Muslim students go to pray, near which I took a nap last Thursday.
Sweet potatos I hurridly planted in poor soil during a short visit last spring at Laurie's old apartment grew very well. The beets & chard in the back of 4602 seminole still keep coming up in spite of others and now my Dad's best efforts to get Lawns not Food to grow there.
There are great and growing farmers markets here. And this nearby: Lisko Deli & Fish Market -.
(I use the scooter to glide through this urban environment I mainly walked in for many years. . . )
What goals do I have for the future? What is my ideal day? Are these questions I can ask, or is it better to do what I feel compelled to do, to try to be still and listening to the present. . . and acting, making what might be mistakes, what might be life. What might be.
And partly since Leslie's letters, her continuing to write back, I've been more likely to feel love (from her example: she writes what I used to take to be love letters. For her they're just letters. And they are a love letter.). And due to all the acceptance (or something. . . I'm not sure what-- something that is a bit more than tolerance for what I'm doing?) I get from my relatives. . . I've been more likely to feel love.
I've met and keep meeting great people. And? This is written for you. I'm not just by myself right now-- not just seeking space to sense where my thoughts might go-- I am, as in writing a letter, sharing a bit of time with others now? It may be another year or more or never before I write again? Next, would I write less and more and actually write on paper before writing here? You don't need all this text and more links. . . you need more time to sense what's being asked of you?
Best wishes and blessings and love.
 |
| Vice Chief Cedar Bear and Chief Bear Heart of the Perdido Bay Tribe, east of Pensacola, on December 8, 2011 |
Friday, December 2, 2011
Mobile, AL-- I wish I could think (do I?) but. . .
 |
| Owen James H. . . arrived 5:56am, November 27, 2011 8 lbs, 20.5" (My Nephew) |
I've got the maps for the Florida Trail. That is the plan. The razor scooter still is a wonderful way to travel. . . Megabus was a good way to get north and back south for less than $5. . .and I missed my 745am bus yesterday in atlanta, so I got to learn that city a bit more. . .
Every day spent in a place scooting around increases the connections and the "posessions" and the possibility of staying longer. . .
and that possibility confuses me. . .
I still look forward to getting out in the woods and writing all the people whose addresses I've collected from my last trip. . . and those who wrote back. . . (do you remember that peace pilgrim wrote letters?)
Here are some upcoming addresses:
I will be picking up mail at the following address no earlier than 12/6:
Colin LeathAfter 12/7 to 1/1 and perhaps 1/5, the following will work:
General Delivery
Navarre, FL 32566
Colin Leath c/o Carolynn PattenWillow for share international (?) in Atlanta. . .
719 NE 5th St
Gainesville, FL 32601
The muscle-y guy along the atlanta beltline, the gravel part, probably looking for sex.
All the people I asked for directions to the Quarry. . . someday to be the largest park in atlanta(?)
The Peachtree branch of the atlanta library next to the atlanta museum of design where they were celebrating world aids day. . .
Being so glad to be done with busses and the diesel. . .
yet still being alongside roads and 'inside the machine'. . .
I may want to be in Scottsmoor FL by 1/14 for WFR recertification course. . . we'll see.
My mind is empty? I hope the stuff (my scooter and pack) they made me leave outside is still there. . .
mobile library has the most draconian and arbitrary restrictive admission policy. Atlanta Central just sent me to another branch (they wouldn't let me bring the scooter in). Here it is way worse and not clearly spelled out. Basically anyone who looks homeless(?). You can park a car on library property but you cannot leave your scooter and backpack on library property. You cannot bring clothes into the library. . . (in a bag)
some local links:
- http://lagniappemobile.com/ (local alt weekly)
- http://www.occupymobile.org/
- http://rumorunion.com/rumorunion/home.html (performance art? cool mobile people?)
- http://mplonline.org/ (the library . . . where I am now. . .)
- http://www.healthylivinghealthyplanet.com/ surprisingly good resource. . .
Martin Luther King's neighborhood, where I'll visit when I go through atlanta again.
That's enough from this mind.
love and best wishes and blessings--
I went up to greenknees farm from Jacksonville, FL (where I got to on my scooter trip) for Thanksgiving. And then went to Woodberry Forest (a boarding school in VA) where one of my sisters and her husband work. That sister had a baby while I was there! (Her husband helped me find a wonderful place to camp near the challenge course; I saw two bald eagles along the rapidan(?) river. I ran for 20 minutes for the first time in a long time. . . I met phil and Linda and others. I played croquet. I found out my dad played croquet as a kid. . . and what are the rules to croquet? ? ).
I got to eat some turnips and arugula (and bok choy and lettuce and ??) that I planted / helped plant.
I got to read an amazing book:
Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Alex Stewart: Portrait of a Pioneer
I've had so much bad luck trying to order books recently from non-amazon sites. . .but you could try to find it cheaper at gettextbooks.com or similar sites.
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Oh-- and on the megabus from Knoxville to Atlanta I was able to run off during one six-minute stop (the only stop) and get _Middlemarch_ and a ronald dahl adult book and an ursula k leguin book from the good will at that stop for $1.50. . .
If you write me a card-- I'll write back eventually (if I get enough alone time in the woods).
And, yes, I got stressed and overwhelmed and somewhat unhappy and confused while working on leaving again at last (and was challenged by eating during that time). . . and I was able to scoot from the farm to the bus stop (I scooted the other way when I arrived).
_The man who couldn't eat_ by ranier is a book they have on display here.
enough rambling. . .
And I learned more about my family and why I am this way.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Scooting / scoot-hiking / pack scooting (with a Razor A5) & good attitude, or at least not a bad one
(I wasn't wearing my mirror due to low traffic that day. Here you can find the other photos from the sequence.)
[------------ addenda 2/03/2012:
more info about my experiences with the scooter can be found at
http://gear.j9k.org/2012/03/scooters.html ]
[------------ addenda 10/27: two tips:
- I use a Take A Look cycling mirror ($15) that clips on to sunglasses or clear safety glasses ($3-5 @ ACE or Walmart). I also now have a bit of florescent cloth & reflective tape pinned to the back of my pack.
- In libraries along the way I xerox Delorme atlas pages (use the autoscale setting & legal-size paper) so I can find and take back roads and hiking trails.
Greetings from the library in Homer, GA. I've been traveling south from Maryville, TN to the Florida Trail using a Razor A5 kick scooter. Here's an update on how that has been working.
The scooter works for this kind of travel:
- I can carry it on my shoulder--with the wheels forward-- and walk in the woods and up gravel roads and around town.
- I can ride down gravel roads. The rear wheel is getting rather eaten up from this however. But I have used it for Mr. Colin's Wild Ride for perhaps 12 miles and probably more of gravel road travel.
- I can go probably 9 miles an hour including breaks in rolling terrain. I have yet to go more 16 miles in one day however.
- People generally smile at this mode of travel. "Excellent, Sir!" (when scooting by a traffic jam outside of Helen, GA); "You've come a long way, my man." (when passed 6+ miles later by a family I'd seen at Brass Bald, the highest point in Georgia).
- I've hitched two rides--very easy to do with something so portable. One ride was offered, the other I asked of a guy on a gravel road who I'd seen on the trail earlier-- I still have yet to stand by the side of the road with my thumb out.
- In the rain the brake is nearly useless. Going downhill is potentially very dangerous. Fortunately a flat foot sliding on the pavement can be used to keep speed down. Or you can walk down. The change in braking power when going from dry to wet pavement is instant.
- The brake gets hot and wears down the wheel. Going down from Brass Bald, I melted part of my shoe and shaved off a bit more of the wheel. Fortunately the Vibram part of the sole of the shoe doesn't seem to melt (it does get hot)--just the foamish part in the instep (Merrell Trail Gloves (and the purple is dirty girl gaiters))
- I want to get the headset tightened in a bike shop.
- I got two metric allen wrenches to be able to tighten parts-- the handle is tall enough for me (I'm 6'3") but it is made loose so it can slide up and down easily. I try not to put much pressure on it. And I crank down on it with the allen wrench if I'll be scooting for a while.
- I can hurt myself by swinging the foot platform into my ankle--when picking up the scooter or if the front wheel hits a rock and the back pops up. Not a huge issue but something one learns to avoid.
Bad Attitude?
And the last post wasn't super-uplifting--or at least my memory of it wasn't--, and I've been thinking about that. I found a copy of _Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. . . And It's All Small Stuff_ by Richard Carlson. His book has helped me with the bad attitude, in particular with the tip that analyzing bad moods or bad feelings is not helpful--so just stop that down-spiraling thinking / analysis-paralysis. The mood will change.
Perhaps I'll address this more later as I have more experience watching the bad attitude and trying what I remember of his suggestions. For a week now, his advice has been helpful. I recommend the book and I was sad to find that he died in 2006. Carlson shares a bit of his struggle to have a good mood and to be a happy person--the book is a collection of some of his strategies.
The Trip Teaches / Gives Me What I Need?
I've been, for the most part, having fun / being challenged in good ways by this trip. I've been sitting for 45 minutes each day--this has been nice. I've written letters and cards. I've found books to read. I've met people--the guys who gave me rides; a fiddler, Kelsey, taking a class at the John C Campbell Folk School; and the seven University of Georgia alums/students having breakfast out along a gravel National Forest road. A guy yesterday in a Mexican/hispanic indoor flea market in Cornelia, GA. I've learned more about history and the region (I camped along a road made to force-march the first nation / Indians west on--the trail of tears--near Tatham Gap).
I decided not to volunteer with Kripalu--or at least to continue the application process--after having the interview. The size of the place and the tone I was getting & the number of staff who commute by car (nearly all?) made me want to visit before committing to be there 4 months. I've been loving sleeping outside--beautiful fall--and I don't want that or my wandering and exploring and freedom to end on 1/1/2012. When I set out I wasn't sure how this trip would go and was happy to have the prospect of an end. And I do look forward to being able to work spring season in California/AZ with Naturalists At Large--we'll see.
And: A bigger (forgotten by me) story here is that Gohkale's directions of how to stand, sit, sleep and move have kept me for the most part from being in pain. So I have not been motivated to go to a yoga center for health and wellness. . . I'm still working on making my food good out here though.
It's getting dark--I'd better go.
Oh: I updated j9k.org to have a link to my page offering my service to facilitate or support solos / sit spots. I'd like to serve others and that is one way, other than scoot-hiking around, that I've thought of.
I'm planning to pick up mail, general delivery, in Eatonton GA 31024 no earlier than Friday probably (and probably later).
Monday, October 10, 2011
Avoiding Thinking?
[HTML version] [Google Docs, currently commentable]
I'd rather have one place to go to modify things I publish online. So I'll try having the main version be @ google docs.
I'd rather have one place to go to modify things I publish online. So I'll try having the main version be @ google docs.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
thy will, not mine, be done
2009-07-19-1013 What can I say? I'm still alive. Got a new watch battery for my $5 ironman (off ebay yrs ago) -$2.16. They let me use an eyeglass kit screwdriver to open/close the watch--the UCSB bookstore. Batteries cheaper there than anywhere. I am attached to the watch. Have never had one last and remain unlost for so long.
Did laundry (-$3). Called mom, dad, partly cause called Eric, who may walk Ojai -> QS starting tomorrow.
I could tell you what I ate. But I have yet to return to an OA/EDA mtg since Sequoia NP. I'm just doing what I do.
Went to two dance rehearsals. Hey I found a kite surfing board (my first walk out east beach bluffs) & returned it by calling a number on it. And today gave a cell phone to the cashier at the IV coop. Found under swing on Pardall.
So--got two letters from G. Ann. Downloaded paperwork from NAL job.
I volunteered a week with WYP, camping all the while. More riding in cars than in decades (since 1994). I've yet to be dismissed. I'm making a contribution and helpful. I still do some graceless things / am not perfect.
It (volunteering w/ WYP), so far, helps build confidence for doing the NAL work. But WYP is likely more tolerant / less conventional than NAL.
--
I've got ebooks (Mostly from gutenberg.org) on the cell phone. Clié was retired since solio not working, but phone is fine--until winter's long nights maybe (full charge = 3 to 4 days daytime reading!!--no way (?) to turn off backlight and keyboard lighting which come on at night, but good to have to sleep then). MobiReader does well with html files (imageless, in general). Was reading _The Idiot_ by Dostoyevsky because Rbec mentioned it when I spoke to her about Ayn Rand--Rbec said it was not a positive book, perhaps like _Atlas Shrugged_.
Still have yet to finish that and (it) might be good to read that book on normal eating.
--
Have uploaded more photos, but still keeping everything locked down.
So not much motive to pay the $0.25 to post.
--
Laurel, one of the instructors I worked with--not in my group.
--
Monica on the bus. The capoeira ista. Other dancers. Chelsie. Erin. Crystal. Silas. Kate. ? My own body. Health, teeth, gums. OralBreeze.
The 24x SB->UCSB. Spanish from Spain. Holland. Ireland. São Paulo (sp?) Brasil. Victoria's Secret. Brown eyes. Thy. Asking, Italian. To study English.
--
"Hey-- that looks like smoke. . ."
--
So, what do you have to tell me.
--
The business of reproduction.
Creative modification.
Portable gas chambers: old cars, rvs.
--
Dominique, Dan, Warren, Jessica, Gifts From Girls (eggs), Erica, Dave, Sage, NickiAnn, Lesley, Andrew. Luca, Shaw, Dylan, Ainsley, Megan, Hannah, Jack, Jacob, Max, Micah (eye), Cody (!). Tree Frogs. Crayfish. Minnows. Ainsley's Springtail. Carlos' (?)--10 legs, inch long, antennae as long as body. Knives, tracks, bows and arrows, split willow, poison oak, peeing, pooping, swimming. Mud fight. Bow fire. Flaking. First aid. And? Sunscreen, food, eating. Turtle. Dead. Logs. Fire. Drinking water. Games. Car music. . . "I'm grateful for the whole wide world!" "Darn you! Say something specific." Soccer. Cashews. Butter. Cream cheese. Cans. Eziekel bread / sprouted grain. Figs. Farm. Farmers market. Rocky nook. Don't live anywhere. Red okra. Dolphin. Dead seal. Frozen. Kelley. Gum. Humptydumpty. Dreams. Rest. Not wanting to walk. Public urination. Open fires. Shade. Beach. DoGooders. Stories. Open casket. Pokemon. Body surf. Coaching. Tully. Sebastian. Love. MJ. East Beach homeless memorial. Slovokian cyclist. Count of monte cristo. Dan fontaine "Colin, I have something in my pocket for you." Shaka. Money. Rusty's pizza(?). Obama healthcare sermon. Friendly homeless lady, "how are you?" And what should we do about our grandparents who watch so much TV? do ants sleep? Apocrypha, young Jesus' words struck them dead. Proto-masculine behavior. Pitcher. Luca woven. Photos. Let me go. Jumping. Algae. Hawk. Hook. Kate. Let me go. Fly. Sky like the roof of a tent.
2009-07-06-1800 Ayn Rand (~Eye Dollar) and Bill W./Dr. Bob (AA cofounders), their work, their contrast.
Life now carries me: volunteer for WYP.org the last three weeks of this month. Then possibly walk to QS. And NAL job begins 8/24.
2009-07-02-0600 33 and as directionless as 0.
2009-07-01-0901 Dreams. Champa C, good food. Among giant sequoias. Thy will. Teeth cleaning. Future planning. A bit of sitting.
Was desiring to be more with people. Was persisting in questioning custom by which some people spend time together. In forest solo once more (vs. on sailboat, for example). Thy will.
From the AA Big Book, a focus on submitting own will to higher power, to stop trying to be the director of life. Instead, ask to serve higher power, know what occurs is the will of life. Identify one's resentments, if any, and seek to no longer resent--
Use as mantra / prayer / mental focus phrases such as:
Thy will be done.
Thy will, not mine, be done.
May I serve others. May I think of others.
Am I right now [ / was that action ] focused on self or others?
(Self-focus and resentments seem to exacerbate addictive, diseased, mal-functioning behavior.)
"Thy will be done" seems to be the root prayer or thought, though--"Thy" signifying God, Way of Life, Dao--because often self-care and self-enjoying, nourishing behavior is willed by higher power.
--
So that is all--Thy will be done.
And that has been helping me recently more than meditative or mindfulness practices to settle a fretting mind and to live and act with more peace.
And still to consider more: step four, "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
What are my faults? How have I / do I wrong others and self? What rationalizations / resentments have I (made) to overlook or avoid addressing these? Consider starting with the seven (deadly?) sins.
Recent effects:
Think of Lesley (trip organizer), grandma, mom, dad, Rebecca, rather than self. How can I serve? With Lesley: perhaps be sure to have bear canister while with her instead of going without, for example. Do not make things more difficult for her. For the others: write letters while out here.
And do I stay out here until Lesley comes? Champa C's veggies, fruit, eggs, sandwiches help me be more content, not seeking to leave (perhaps I'd visit Monterey). And the sequoias, and getting to lower, warmer, tree-happy locations. Next: Lodgepole store. . . tomorrow or next day.
twnmbd
And what is my will anyway? I do not know it, have not known it (evidence: these posts?), and that is where the AA book has helped. Stop fretting about trying to direct. (In at least some important areas) You haven't been doing well (evidence: your compulsive drinking, eating, drug use, [your problem here], etc.).
And besides all that, the style and datedness of the text is compelling.
And I'm unable to finish _Atlas Shrugged_ because the Solio charger is malfunctioning (I can no longer charge my Palm Clié, but I had put a copy of the AA texts on my cell phone too, which [the texts] I read with MobiReader, which [the cell phone, a Nokia E62,] I have a light-weight wall charger for and which was the last thing successfully charged by the Solio, the day I binged on Ayn Rand, and which I was able to charge a bit more from an outlet on the porch at SilverCityResort.com yesterday).
And that text [, _Atlas Shrugged_,] may be part unhelpful to me, watering certain harmful seeds among some good ones. For example: the text elaborates that there is nothing more sorry than a person without a purpose, without--as far as I've read--presenting how one gains purpose. Perhaps the prevailing moral code [Or that of one's parents and friends. But a sister and brother go opposite ways, so it appears to be genetic.] and resulting government structure influence whether people develop a will to achieve and create [a will to produce] (and consume) vs. a will to loot and to live off achievements of others (and consume).
[_The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_, which I listened to a bit of while walking the Rattlesnake Creek dirt bike trail--hot, dusty, and recently burnt(?), with sparse trees perhaps hard-hit by the pine-borer beetle or grub--, had a bit to say about that too: For many years the Empire was able to continue to expand and soldiers could be rewarded with land, slaves, and some level of citizenship. Gibbon also mentioned that many of the rich created grand public works--such as baths and aqueducts--of use to the common citizen, and these works were privately funded (meaning 'directed by one person'?). Well, I suppose today we can say the iPhone is privately funded, though Central Park is only partly so.]
And, today, my [up to this point] hesitance to produce [and to participate]. . . (Well, that was leading to some thought related to how today's [yesterday's?] system, Rand's system[?], is also based in infinite and perhaps self- & ecologically- destructive expansion--but this may be a resentment and a rationalization. . .
Life is[?] infinite expansion, in the right ways, and the current expansion may be headed to some synthesis of Rand capitalist/libertarian production, permaculture, and Bill McDonough cradle-to-cradle -style manufacturing, among many other endeavors, explorations, and areas of expansion.)
[--]
I resented for a while that the Solio stopped working and that, after a day of avoiding walking by enjoying reading Rand, I could not continue the reading binge and had to walk on. . .
2009-06-26-1445 [Resenting mind, body I do not know how to use.
"Do not think." do not use the mind.] Along Rattlesnake Creek / 33E19 / 33E22, perhaps near where Beach Creek comes in, maybe 7 miles from the Kern River / Golden Trout Wilderness.
Been on the trail 4 nights, after a night in Bakersfield, also along the Kern.
Was reading Alcoholic Anonymous' _Big Book_.
I did not get the teaching sailing job, mainly because I blabbed too much about not living in a house to the instructor of my 101 class and he told others.
But consider: no Lifeguard class, no sailing job; without planned sailing job, may have got UCSB lifeguard job, and then may have missed family vacation (San Diego to SLO, SD Fair, Old Globe play, Getty villa, wedding). Losing sailing job, now I'm here. I have place, time to heal. To eat less (to practice eating for nutrition rather than for entertainment and other reasons). To study. To get in shape. I believe also I'll get to volunteer for two weeks with WYP, July 20-31. I may also get to meet Lesley near Florence Lake 7/13-15 and walk that week with her.
Reading AA's _Big Book_: a big focus on submission to higher power. In many ways the book nails / zeros in on my dilemma. (How do I live?)
It mentions listing resentments as being part of one of the steps (the moral inventory?), and then looking at those resentments to see how one could do better, or: excusing the object of resentment because it is sick / damaged as one has already admitted one is.
Perhaps not exactly right, but we can reread (it's free for Palm at Memoware, $1 for IPhone at ITunes).
Resentment does seem central to my escape from life / harmful use of food. I resent that the world in which most people consider life or action as taking place is not beautiful.
It is something to be tolerated. And it barely tolerates me, I feel, at times.
But here is a home for me. My submission to the way of life, to my higher power, took me here.
And how do I decide? When I feel conflicted, I step back, no need, really, to decide. Way of Life will soon be clear.
---
So, after losing that last job, I've locked down more of my online presence--this blog (locked earlier), photos, etc. Twitter still is public. I'm nearly about to experience life with no money (except $200/mo for food). 8/24 paid training for my next job may start, ojala (way-of-life willing).
--
Also was reading Rand _Atlas Shrugged_ again.
--
So I pray that God will use me. Pray to be used by the way of life. "May I serve life." "Life act through me."
--
Below is the only other thing I've written from 20 days ago.
2009-06-06-1930 On a hillside, head in mosquito net. I visited Kate today, she gave me a hug. So changing of life is that? I've been to Three different Overeaters Anonymous meetings since last Tuesday. And telling you that, if you know my last name may not be following their principles.
I went to Wilderness Youth Project volunteer initiation. Valuable. Jess told a story about all of creation getting their missions (whom to eat, who to run from, and so on). Except the human. Something eventually whispered to that lost soul: "psst! You're here to enjoy it all!"
We played zookeeper tag. The body harm I'd done to self apparent, We walked through an area looking for things Julian(?) got from along the way ahead of time which we'd got to glimpse for 10 seconds before the walk. Before that we'd done a sense meditation, led by Jess, checking in, eyes closed, with each of our senses. Are your eyes shaded? How do they feel? One differ than other? Does light you sense change? Sound. Smell. Can you smell yourself? Inhale. Can you smell that we're in an area that has burned? Skofield Park--once owned by the Rancheros Visitadores. Showers, grilles, water. . .
Rain the next morning. Casa Franchesi / Franchesi (sp?) Park. More open space. Meeting for sb sail center youth camp intructors.
The last night I spent near UCSB was Monday? I now have an SB-downtown-proximal spot/home. Beautiful.
Did laundry (-$3). Called mom, dad, partly cause called Eric, who may walk Ojai -> QS starting tomorrow.
I could tell you what I ate. But I have yet to return to an OA/EDA mtg since Sequoia NP. I'm just doing what I do.
Went to two dance rehearsals. Hey I found a kite surfing board (my first walk out east beach bluffs) & returned it by calling a number on it. And today gave a cell phone to the cashier at the IV coop. Found under swing on Pardall.
So--got two letters from G. Ann. Downloaded paperwork from NAL job.
I volunteered a week with WYP, camping all the while. More riding in cars than in decades (since 1994). I've yet to be dismissed. I'm making a contribution and helpful. I still do some graceless things / am not perfect.
It (volunteering w/ WYP), so far, helps build confidence for doing the NAL work. But WYP is likely more tolerant / less conventional than NAL.
--
I've got ebooks (Mostly from gutenberg.org) on the cell phone. Clié was retired since solio not working, but phone is fine--until winter's long nights maybe (full charge = 3 to 4 days daytime reading!!--no way (?) to turn off backlight and keyboard lighting which come on at night, but good to have to sleep then). MobiReader does well with html files (imageless, in general). Was reading _The Idiot_ by Dostoyevsky because Rbec mentioned it when I spoke to her about Ayn Rand--Rbec said it was not a positive book, perhaps like _Atlas Shrugged_.
Still have yet to finish that and (it) might be good to read that book on normal eating.
--
Have uploaded more photos, but still keeping everything locked down.
So not much motive to pay the $0.25 to post.
--
Laurel, one of the instructors I worked with--not in my group.
--
Monica on the bus. The capoeira ista. Other dancers. Chelsie. Erin. Crystal. Silas. Kate. ? My own body. Health, teeth, gums. OralBreeze.
The 24x SB->UCSB. Spanish from Spain. Holland. Ireland. São Paulo (sp?) Brasil. Victoria's Secret. Brown eyes. Thy. Asking, Italian. To study English.
--
"Hey-- that looks like smoke. . ."
--
So, what do you have to tell me.
--
The business of reproduction.
Creative modification.
Portable gas chambers: old cars, rvs.
--
Dominique, Dan, Warren, Jessica, Gifts From Girls (eggs), Erica, Dave, Sage, NickiAnn, Lesley, Andrew. Luca, Shaw, Dylan, Ainsley, Megan, Hannah, Jack, Jacob, Max, Micah (eye), Cody (!). Tree Frogs. Crayfish. Minnows. Ainsley's Springtail. Carlos' (?)--10 legs, inch long, antennae as long as body. Knives, tracks, bows and arrows, split willow, poison oak, peeing, pooping, swimming. Mud fight. Bow fire. Flaking. First aid. And? Sunscreen, food, eating. Turtle. Dead. Logs. Fire. Drinking water. Games. Car music. . . "I'm grateful for the whole wide world!" "Darn you! Say something specific." Soccer. Cashews. Butter. Cream cheese. Cans. Eziekel bread / sprouted grain. Figs. Farm. Farmers market. Rocky nook. Don't live anywhere. Red okra. Dolphin. Dead seal. Frozen. Kelley. Gum. Humptydumpty. Dreams. Rest. Not wanting to walk. Public urination. Open fires. Shade. Beach. DoGooders. Stories. Open casket. Pokemon. Body surf. Coaching. Tully. Sebastian. Love. MJ. East Beach homeless memorial. Slovokian cyclist. Count of monte cristo. Dan fontaine "Colin, I have something in my pocket for you." Shaka. Money. Rusty's pizza(?). Obama healthcare sermon. Friendly homeless lady, "how are you?" And what should we do about our grandparents who watch so much TV? do ants sleep? Apocrypha, young Jesus' words struck them dead. Proto-masculine behavior. Pitcher. Luca woven. Photos. Let me go. Jumping. Algae. Hawk. Hook. Kate. Let me go. Fly. Sky like the roof of a tent.
2009-07-06-1800 Ayn Rand (~Eye Dollar) and Bill W./Dr. Bob (AA cofounders), their work, their contrast.
Life now carries me: volunteer for WYP.org the last three weeks of this month. Then possibly walk to QS. And NAL job begins 8/24.
2009-07-02-0600 33 and as directionless as 0.
2009-07-01-0901 Dreams. Champa C, good food. Among giant sequoias. Thy will. Teeth cleaning. Future planning. A bit of sitting.
Was desiring to be more with people. Was persisting in questioning custom by which some people spend time together. In forest solo once more (vs. on sailboat, for example). Thy will.
From the AA Big Book, a focus on submitting own will to higher power, to stop trying to be the director of life. Instead, ask to serve higher power, know what occurs is the will of life. Identify one's resentments, if any, and seek to no longer resent--
Use as mantra / prayer / mental focus phrases such as:
Thy will be done.
Thy will, not mine, be done.
May I serve others. May I think of others.
Am I right now [ / was that action ] focused on self or others?
(Self-focus and resentments seem to exacerbate addictive, diseased, mal-functioning behavior.)
"Thy will be done" seems to be the root prayer or thought, though--"Thy" signifying God, Way of Life, Dao--because often self-care and self-enjoying, nourishing behavior is willed by higher power.
--
So that is all--Thy will be done.
And that has been helping me recently more than meditative or mindfulness practices to settle a fretting mind and to live and act with more peace.
And still to consider more: step four, "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
What are my faults? How have I / do I wrong others and self? What rationalizations / resentments have I (made) to overlook or avoid addressing these? Consider starting with the seven (deadly?) sins.
Recent effects:
Think of Lesley (trip organizer), grandma, mom, dad, Rebecca, rather than self. How can I serve? With Lesley: perhaps be sure to have bear canister while with her instead of going without, for example. Do not make things more difficult for her. For the others: write letters while out here.
And do I stay out here until Lesley comes? Champa C's veggies, fruit, eggs, sandwiches help me be more content, not seeking to leave (perhaps I'd visit Monterey). And the sequoias, and getting to lower, warmer, tree-happy locations. Next: Lodgepole store. . . tomorrow or next day.
twnmbd
And what is my will anyway? I do not know it, have not known it (evidence: these posts?), and that is where the AA book has helped. Stop fretting about trying to direct. (In at least some important areas) You haven't been doing well (evidence: your compulsive drinking, eating, drug use, [your problem here], etc.).
And besides all that, the style and datedness of the text is compelling.
And I'm unable to finish _Atlas Shrugged_ because the Solio charger is malfunctioning (I can no longer charge my Palm Clié, but I had put a copy of the AA texts on my cell phone too, which [the texts] I read with MobiReader, which [the cell phone, a Nokia E62,] I have a light-weight wall charger for and which was the last thing successfully charged by the Solio, the day I binged on Ayn Rand, and which I was able to charge a bit more from an outlet on the porch at SilverCityResort.com yesterday).
And that text [, _Atlas Shrugged_,] may be part unhelpful to me, watering certain harmful seeds among some good ones. For example: the text elaborates that there is nothing more sorry than a person without a purpose, without--as far as I've read--presenting how one gains purpose. Perhaps the prevailing moral code [Or that of one's parents and friends. But a sister and brother go opposite ways, so it appears to be genetic.] and resulting government structure influence whether people develop a will to achieve and create [a will to produce] (and consume) vs. a will to loot and to live off achievements of others (and consume).
[_The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire_, which I listened to a bit of while walking the Rattlesnake Creek dirt bike trail--hot, dusty, and recently burnt(?), with sparse trees perhaps hard-hit by the pine-borer beetle or grub--, had a bit to say about that too: For many years the Empire was able to continue to expand and soldiers could be rewarded with land, slaves, and some level of citizenship. Gibbon also mentioned that many of the rich created grand public works--such as baths and aqueducts--of use to the common citizen, and these works were privately funded (meaning 'directed by one person'?). Well, I suppose today we can say the iPhone is privately funded, though Central Park is only partly so.]
And, today, my [up to this point] hesitance to produce [and to participate]. . . (Well, that was leading to some thought related to how today's [yesterday's?] system, Rand's system[?], is also based in infinite and perhaps self- & ecologically- destructive expansion--but this may be a resentment and a rationalization. . .
Life is[?] infinite expansion, in the right ways, and the current expansion may be headed to some synthesis of Rand capitalist/libertarian production, permaculture, and Bill McDonough cradle-to-cradle -style manufacturing, among many other endeavors, explorations, and areas of expansion.)
[--]
I resented for a while that the Solio stopped working and that, after a day of avoiding walking by enjoying reading Rand, I could not continue the reading binge and had to walk on. . .
2009-06-26-1445 [Resenting mind, body I do not know how to use.
"Do not think." do not use the mind.] Along Rattlesnake Creek / 33E19 / 33E22, perhaps near where Beach Creek comes in, maybe 7 miles from the Kern River / Golden Trout Wilderness.
Been on the trail 4 nights, after a night in Bakersfield, also along the Kern.
Was reading Alcoholic Anonymous' _Big Book_.
I did not get the teaching sailing job, mainly because I blabbed too much about not living in a house to the instructor of my 101 class and he told others.
But consider: no Lifeguard class, no sailing job; without planned sailing job, may have got UCSB lifeguard job, and then may have missed family vacation (San Diego to SLO, SD Fair, Old Globe play, Getty villa, wedding). Losing sailing job, now I'm here. I have place, time to heal. To eat less (to practice eating for nutrition rather than for entertainment and other reasons). To study. To get in shape. I believe also I'll get to volunteer for two weeks with WYP, July 20-31. I may also get to meet Lesley near Florence Lake 7/13-15 and walk that week with her.
Reading AA's _Big Book_: a big focus on submission to higher power. In many ways the book nails / zeros in on my dilemma. (How do I live?)
It mentions listing resentments as being part of one of the steps (the moral inventory?), and then looking at those resentments to see how one could do better, or: excusing the object of resentment because it is sick / damaged as one has already admitted one is.
Perhaps not exactly right, but we can reread (it's free for Palm at Memoware, $1 for IPhone at ITunes).
Resentment does seem central to my escape from life / harmful use of food. I resent that the world in which most people consider life or action as taking place is not beautiful.
It is something to be tolerated. And it barely tolerates me, I feel, at times.
But here is a home for me. My submission to the way of life, to my higher power, took me here.
And how do I decide? When I feel conflicted, I step back, no need, really, to decide. Way of Life will soon be clear.
---
So, after losing that last job, I've locked down more of my online presence--this blog (locked earlier), photos, etc. Twitter still is public. I'm nearly about to experience life with no money (except $200/mo for food). 8/24 paid training for my next job may start, ojala (way-of-life willing).
--
Also was reading Rand _Atlas Shrugged_ again.
--
So I pray that God will use me. Pray to be used by the way of life. "May I serve life." "Life act through me."
--
Below is the only other thing I've written from 20 days ago.
2009-06-06-1930 On a hillside, head in mosquito net. I visited Kate today, she gave me a hug. So changing of life is that? I've been to Three different Overeaters Anonymous meetings since last Tuesday. And telling you that, if you know my last name may not be following their principles.
I went to Wilderness Youth Project volunteer initiation. Valuable. Jess told a story about all of creation getting their missions (whom to eat, who to run from, and so on). Except the human. Something eventually whispered to that lost soul: "psst! You're here to enjoy it all!"
We played zookeeper tag. The body harm I'd done to self apparent, We walked through an area looking for things Julian(?) got from along the way ahead of time which we'd got to glimpse for 10 seconds before the walk. Before that we'd done a sense meditation, led by Jess, checking in, eyes closed, with each of our senses. Are your eyes shaded? How do they feel? One differ than other? Does light you sense change? Sound. Smell. Can you smell yourself? Inhale. Can you smell that we're in an area that has burned? Skofield Park--once owned by the Rancheros Visitadores. Showers, grilles, water. . .
Rain the next morning. Casa Franchesi / Franchesi (sp?) Park. More open space. Meeting for sb sail center youth camp intructors.
The last night I spent near UCSB was Monday? I now have an SB-downtown-proximal spot/home. Beautiful.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
w/out dream
Caught by any little thing.
what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.
I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.
I did not read much.
I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.
I volunteered with WYP.
I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.
I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.
So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.
Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.
But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.
I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.
I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.
[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.
She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.
That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?
What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?
(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.
The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]
[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]
I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?
A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.
A new spot.
This is for Kurt, who emailed?
We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."
What should manage it?
No answers here.
What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?
I've narrowed life down.
The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.
I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.
So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?
Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.
Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.
We read and write for joy.
Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .
Hi _______________ !
So many . . .
So much . . .
---
That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?
a breath and a smile.
----------------
from ~0830 this morning:
Asunto: to live without dreams
Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.
Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.
My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.
No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.
what's been happening? I made it through a week of self-presentation--related to all the previous job-apping I'd done.
I got sick (related to that cough I mentioned, which became headache, tiredness, nausea). Got better.
I did not read much.
I finished my volunteer hours. So, the $200 I have left is my own to hoard.
I volunteered with WYP.
I dug more stuff out of trash cans at Goleta Beach for breakfast, post-dinner.
I found perhaps 16 good sandwiches (near a cafe on campus)--healthy if moderated, but managed to sort of eat them in one day.
So I went to my first overeaters anonymous meeting. I did lock my blog a while back--and change the name. Trying to make it a bit less likely googling my name would find this. . . but that may not matter.
Getting the jobs may not matter. The ending of motivation related to them--(the motivation of) getting, applying, working them--may be the point.
But those were dreams. I had dreams--dreams were in me, tho small, tho short.
I loved the campus--I loved what I saw, noticed--how much was going on, for me walking, for someone outside of car.
I took pictures. I tired of walking and lugging. I spent the night, several nights, in spot closer to campus where the bikes go close by--a bit more company (more human presence--I desired this), less of a walk.
[I saw the outdoor-dwelling princess. She's only occasionally seen by early risers. Dressed in drab colors, stylish, fit well, silhouetted against the 6am bright grey of morning ocean, herself appropriately nourished (?), she feeds seagulls from a trash-can find--joyful, dancerly silhouette, does she know we watch and love and she makes us want to live.
She walks the trail with a mesh bag over shoulder. She walks quickly. Believe it was her I followed my first early morning near Goleta Beach. Once she looked down at me--looking quickly away--, I believe, when I slept in trailside.
That morning, a bike-riding male outdoor-dweller passed me by, and sat on bike, watching her. Maybe I'd watch longer were he not there. Took a low-res photo of them both, & walked on, glancing back. One of us? A woman? Is she that fine? Why? And her fear, secret?
What would I see could I more than fleeting glance? What would I see in her face. Where is her spot?
(gradually) forgotten, until writing now.
The young run, dance, bike--I did respond to a craigslist ad looking for volunteer performers of a simple motion (a move to a beat, a foot-high hop). But I move ever less? The food death, sluggishness? Well agile mind has made it here now. Happy with that.]
[An older man was checking the cans before me one AM. Not food but not-empty beers (I later guess). Saw him too while cooking there yest pm. He later hunkered down in shallow dunes near me and stealthily, slowly, friendli-ly fed seagulls as pets. He just has a jacket. No bike or bag. And, that pm, a beach blanket.]
I watched Debbie, who interviewed me, model of high-functioning and fitness, lead, awesomely, a water aerobics class. She may even be 60, but perhaps closer to 40. . . for those who function, who can tell?
A new spot tonight. Crows not herons. Más mosquitos.
A new spot.
This is for Kurt, who emailed?
We have these wills. Some of us know not how to use them. "God / Divine / will of life, my life is unmanageable."
What should manage it?
No answers here.
What to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / cook / forage / shop if necessary?
I've narrowed life down.
The hobbies others have--the dreams, by walking, outdoor dwelling, what for me is left, walking away from all the dreams of others.
I went to a CCBER volunteer / intern appreciation cook out / barbecue at Goleta Beach.
So will I now go to OA / FAA / FAIR / EDA meetings just to have something else to do besides eat / wait to get hungry / etc? Sleep / wait to get tired / sleep? Get dirty / wait to get clean? Lug stuff around / wait to get tired of sitting still?
Oh! I invited people out to sail! I might have gone today were it more windy.
Use things, abuse body parts / wait for them to fall apart / wait to repair or remedy them.
We read and write for joy.
Hi, I'm _______________ , I'm a compulsive over-eater / food addict in recovery / bulimic / anorexic / . . .
Hi _______________ !
So many . . .
So much . . .
---
That's all. May paste in previous attempts. May get to pictures. May get to read again?
a breath and a smile.
----------------
from ~0830 this morning:
Asunto: to live without dreams
Back at the beach. The phone offline. The CCBER workers massing. Lagoon Island will burn on 6/15 (that week at least)--someone's doctoral thesis.
Finished volunteering yesterday. I could always volunteer again. Tuesdays and Thursdays are their big days.
My stomach--well, it's much abused. And my eyes too--. But yesterday and today, no abuse really so far.
No dreams. I'm alive. But so easy to give into death habits without life dreams.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
? [silent]
I applied for several jobs and have interviews for two. I'm pretty silent.
The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.
I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.
Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.
2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?
I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.
---
I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:
Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try
We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.
"A great opportunity for the right person."
The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).
I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.
Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.
---
By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.
What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).
But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .
Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).
Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."
---
Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.
I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.
And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.
---
So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.
On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.
After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.
So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.
So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.
The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.
I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).
I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--
So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.
I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).
And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.
(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)
It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--
And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.
However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.
And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?
The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.
And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.
I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.
A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.
One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.
---
Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--
I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.
Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.
Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.
So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.
My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.
Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).
And time in limbo--what now?
And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?
[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]
Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.
---
I do want to swim, to be clean--
9 hrs volunteer work left.
Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?
I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.
---
Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).
And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.
Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?
Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.
---
But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.
---
A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.
Wash clothes at some point. Today?
Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?
There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)
---
Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?
friends and efforts to meet them
any more needed than this? Desired?
grey here, cool.
silent mind
---
[a breath and a smile,]
The lifeguarding class ended and I'm certified.
I've been doing my volunteer work with The Cheadle Center for Biodiversity and Ecological Restoration. CCBER.lifesci.ucsb.edu. Darwin, Tony, & ? were weeding invasives near where I cook on the UCSB beach. I asked if I could volunteer with them. So I learn local dune, wetland (fresh, salt), and other plant communities as well as the non-natives we remove (edibles among them: sea rocket, mustard, new zealand spinach). Plus we talk about other things. There are animals in the plants too. A little pair of birds (killdeer?) with white black-speckled eggs--not the endangered plover--one pretends to have a broken wing, the other stands martially and walks daintily closer to the nest, peeping, cheeping. Their area has a nice [an extensive] rope barrier now. A path to the beach sort of went right by them and students and visiting parents would be entertained by the little birds' alarm.
Thursday morning was a presentation (for CCBER interns) on Chumash ethnobotany by Wayne Chapman, greenhouse manager (reminds me of Paul Maschka), with a bit of help from Heather Thakar. Theodoro(sp?)'s book about Ishi was an early influence on Wayne.
2009-05-24-0823 Two booms followed by a prolonged soft roaring. A rocket launch (Vandenberg AFB)? An oil platform explosion?
I saw pretty much all of the W. McDonough talk, slideshow. Sort of wish I could contribute on the level he does. His work is transforming industry. A Swiss textile company reduced chemicals/substances used to ~32 from ~128. Previously trimmings were toxic. Now the cloth can be eaten. Airbus will use the textiles for seats--"if you find yourself at 20,000(?) feet with a fiber deficiency . . ." Not to mention his architecture. The talk was related to his book _Cradle to Cradle_.
---
I started the week with a bit of resignation--or something. Here's a scrap I wrote:
Asunto: ceasing to sell, ceasing to try
We all get to watch my occasional job-getting motions. Eventually these subside. There will be none of that left.
"A great opportunity for the right person."
The interview for some camps--"why would you make an AWESOME counselor?" (answer this or something similar on your required video interview).
I seek jobs now (if I do) where personality is not an issue. Because I have the feeling there is none here.
Not in a bad way? I still seem to have meaningful interactions with others.
---
By the end of the week, I was a bit overwhelmed by the people contacting me, the volunteering, the number of things going.
What could be interpreted as (but very well may not be) rejection (interesting how these are a bit buried, un-remembered): the food bank guy never got back to me. Ms Carfree San Diego did not. . . And an old friend I've not been able to get through to. Some other small things. What I previously thought was non-recognition probably was not (once I said Hi to him, he was very friendly).
But there was a lot of love from other places--the lifeguard class, my family. . .
Someone called the campus police on me 5/21; they arrived after I'd been talking to Mom, Dana, Dad on Mom's birthday (she was on a farm scavenger hunt). Some bogus call--nothing wrong with what I was doing (sitting in shady spot by road near campus recycling area), but might be good to move on, so I did. Perhaps it was the guy on the dirtbike who drove by three times, seemed friendly, and attemped to start a conversation ("can I help you?") but I was on the phone. The woman cop (as in a previous cop encounter at SDSU) was more ridiculous, by-the-book, in a somewhat escalating-of-conflict way: "do you have anything illegal?"; "that may be a weapon, let me move them out of the way" (a victorinox classic swiss army knife [the smallest], closed; a peeler with handle removed; a compass with shortened (sawed-off) baseplate; a GI/mini can opener--all tethered together by a short piece of venetian blind cord--I'd been peeling apples).
Just show the ID, that's all you're required to do. But I answered other questions too [e.g., Lifeguard class in an hour at the Rec Cen] (once at SDSU I remained silent and the woman cop sort of freaked out). Even, perhaps foolishly, gave the guy cop my phone # (these can be tracked to locate you). I got some validation. "We get some ridiculous calls" (the guy cop). "This is a public campus, you have a right to be here" (the woman). "So, you're not living anywhere right now?" (the woman)--nice, at least, she did not say "homeless."
---
Rejection may be better described as "lack of effort to make or maintain contact" or as "effort to avoid contact." So I may be guilty of that, the first version.
I'm exploring these feelings because though I haven't been dwelling on them or stuck on them, they do come up--as I walk around, sometimes mind considers why it would be better (or thought/perceived better by her) for another not to make the effort of contact.
And the web identity associated with my email address / name has, now, a lot of baggage.
---
So, early in the week there were thoughts and fears of non-contact. But Darwin finally showed up on Tuesday. My classmates were friendly. And I met Rion Beauregard (met at Quail Springs) at Los Baños. A guy on the bus was reading "What is Enlightenment?", a Foucalt essay, apparently, and it was clear to me later we had both wanted (or would want) to talk more.
On Thursday I got a call about an interview for the lifeguard job I'd sort of given up on, fearing my app was too odd. And about an interview for Naturalists At Large.
After writing that "ceasing to try" scrap, I went outside for a bit. And my being wanted to continue to try. Try for what? Some contact, some job--not sure exactly what that urge is. A drive for relation, for being valued, [an urge which is] channeled by my cultural context, development.
So I adopted the approach of appeasing the urge with a bit of the view that perhaps probably nothing would come of it.
So I applied to NAL. I hand-wrote the app. I did not re-work my resume. I got the idea of applying there off my mind by applying quickly.
The same process I followed on Wednesday when I walked into the the Sail S an ta B ar ba ra School near Los Baños and asked if they were hiring.
I had my bag, my pants. My shirt I'd been running to the bus in and wearing all week, last washed Sat AM. But my Tilley hat was new (a replacement I'd gotten the day before).
I'd considered walking in there before but that was prior to having an address, local phone--
So now there's a chance (may find out Monday) I could work with them.
I didn't retool my resume for that either. Just wrote a cover email which I was a bit late to Weds LG class in sending (and felt that lateness to be not graceful, not quality, a mistake, but the fiddling with applying to the sailing school was over--and I gave up the possibility, unless I later went down to Marina Del Rey and certified as instructor with ASA).
And my mobile data package had expired. Thurs eve I finally logged on and found the sail school had emailed. Also campstevens.org (Near SD). I'd been emailing about the kitchen assistant position there. I was a bit surprised how friendly, appreciative they were. Friday afternoon I emailed (two days late nearly) to say I was interested but would follow through the SB adventures instead.
(for 10 weeks could I work 5 days a week in a kitchen, live in a community?)
It is helpful that I could go to the family farm in TN--
And, last, two students in the LG class encouraged me to apply to the Tennis Club. Pay: $12-$15/hr vs. $9.50. . . They get paid well as WSI -- teaching swim lessons ($25 / 15 min?? Could it have been that much?), and would rather not lifeguard.
However, the course instructor, with many local connections--well I wonder whether she'd hire me.
And I am so visible walking around town, compared to car drivers--who has seen me? What did they see?
The guys at goletadepot.org / dos pueblos ranch museum-- two of them, felt a bit distant, cold. But it _is_ time for a wash.
And the other outdoor dwellers have been friendly--Mobi went out of his way to welcome me to a Wednesday breakfast at Anisq'oyo (sp should be correct--Chumash for 'gathering place'?). Another told me about a 6pm hamburgers & movie at St Athanasius (sp?) Church. When I stopped by there, a younger guy, Jim / Ozzie said "You made it!" and we talked a bit. I decided not to stay. I had sat near another outdoor dweller earlier. He was sorting recycling he'd collected at night. The employee from the mailbox place walked by--no or hardly any recognition. . . do they deliver all my mail? This was Pardall, the main drag, much bicycle and foot traffic, and already I'd seen Amid from lg class bike by; I decided not to call out, feeling at my grungiest, with baggage prominent on table, near my compatriot.
I thanked him for sharing his spot when I left to go. He said, It's a public space. 'It's nice to have some company while working(though we did not talk much)--some times I play a radio, but I thought you might mind. . .' I'd been composing emails, pondering what to say, eating, in the shade of the abandoned Eclectic IV porch.
A good number of the outdoor dwellers are older men. The young anarchists and dread- / hippy-style, if they are around (I've seen a few) are mostly elsewhere.
One guy got to talking with me before a St Mark's lunch. He mentioned how he'd had apartments before, but that he got depressed in them. . . Yeah, I felt similarly.
---
Health-wise: I've been walking my legs off. Built muscle there. But knees, feet are either toughening or--
I think it may be better to avoid the St Mark's lunches. . . well maybe not.
Teeth, gums-- well I don't know.
Friday night was first night in a long time I was asleep with the sun, back on a more healthy routine.
So it could have been better to find a way to get myself to Camp Stevens. But I'll persist here.
My throat has a bit of irritation since the cook fire yesterday.
Was in a state of wanting to eat, eat Friday eve. The weeding work--other things in my schedule-- (the time in the forest seemed less food-preoccupied).
And time in limbo--what now?
And how much of my time should I sell? Should I try for the Tennis Club? What will bussing or camping involve then?
[What will keeping this up for 10 weeks out near UCSB involve / be like? Will I wish for a change of scenery?]
Am I most excited about teaching sailing? Could that lead to a life I love vs. life of reservation--people, movement. . . carfreeness.
---
I do want to swim, to be clean--
9 hrs volunteer work left.
Could help stuff envelopes with WYP.org Tues?
I walked a long ways to get back to my slough-side vine-cave last night. 'Home' was a word in mind. Still here. I can watch cyclists, hear birds and a muted industrial rushing / flow sound from what may be a gas pipeline-related place nearby.
---
Woke to jets taking off. Ate an lb of org pb yest pm + white shrooms (foraged) + tomato paste. And calimyrna figs. From Trader Joe's. Thought that might happen. Walking emptied some of it. Good in a way, but there's also a joint ache from a peanut binge like that and dark urine. (happily it has been a good long while [6+ mos?] since the last).
And still, (yesterday, before that,) I got to walking around, looking in dumpsters, cans (or, first, trees) to see what I could find.
Today woke, quite silent, and, what now?
Sorted through stuff to pare down weight. Logged on to see if any messages. Then to see if I might write. Yesterday, Friday, turned on phone a few times but did not begin.
---
But I did read [yesterday, Fri]--had been a while.
---
A plan may be: [post photos / empty camera,] tomorrow see if campus pool is open. If so swim (must be 11:30-1:30?). Maybe weed from 8-11. Maybe contact Tennis Club. Call sb sail. Watch slideshow for NAL interview Tues at 1 (should have made it later?). Add money to phone, charge phone, extra battery, switch to unlimited plan. Don't weed Tuesday, maybe just M,W,F, then that's it.
Wash clothes at some point. Today?
Is there a way to carry less stuff? Am I at point where I'd leave things at 'home'?
There's a faint chemical smell from the refiners/gas company?? (I spent one night near a pipeline and at one point the fumes were quite bad.)
---
Is reading, walking, eating, photoing, occasional blogging, photo-posting enough? And working?
friends and efforts to meet them
any more needed than this? Desired?
grey here, cool.
silent mind
---
[a breath and a smile,]
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
moving in; relation
2009-05-15-2009
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:
Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117
I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.
---
That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?
Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.
The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).
I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.
And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).
And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.
I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].
Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.
I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.
I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.
---
Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).
I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.
A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.
I feel it at least.
I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.
Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.
[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]
---
Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?
Everyone else is running around and we are not?
We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?
Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).
---
Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.
A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.
Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .
The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?
SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org
So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.
And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.
What would I do with myself?
We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)
What would I do?
The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.
I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.
We'll see.
But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.
You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)
What do you do?
A breath and a smile.
---
Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:
---
Asunto: omg
2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful
Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?
Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?
"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]
--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.
"Ho," says he.
"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"
"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"
"I'll just be wanting it,"
Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .
"What do you say, Isak?"
"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."
---
Very much not present or thoughtful.
So: last Friday I paid $45 for 3months' rental of a mailbox + $10 setup fee:
Sixty-Five Fifty-Six Pardall Road Number One Twenty-Five
Goleta, CA 93117
I also added $25 to the phone and got the number changed to an 805 area code.
---
That was sort of watershed. What -- will I stay here 3+ months? Will I often return to or remain near UCSB? Why should area code / phone # be related to identity?
Soon after, I registered to vote, changed address with DMV. How you locate one's self--what is your residence?--how it is assumed you have one--If not, what do you put? On voter registration I put: Pardall and Camino Pescadero (near a central IV park, difficult to spell: "anis'oquoyo[?]"); for the DMV, after one perjurious address change, I listed 5986 Sandspit Rd, 93117--the address of Goleta Beach Park--as my residence.
The fires were happening. People were camping everywhere, & people were helping them do so--different than worrying about cops finding you or citizens telling cops about you. Also the contrast between camping out here vs. near Ensenada (food and water free here but must hide more? what else?).
I walked through vast amounts more of open space too--in, & surrounding Isla Vista.
And-- a deadline came and I bit. Restless, I'd been looking at part-time jobs on craigslist, elsewhere. Lifeguard for UCSB this summer was posted multiple times. I registered for the class (-$164) this past Tuesday and paid another $25 for a 20-swim pass good at one of their pools only between 1130 and 1300. I felt it would be good to care for body (at least by swimming), & to find a way to access weights, rec facilities (perhaps as an employee).
And when there is a job I can actually conceive of doing. . . I go with it.
I would not need many clothes for this job [lifeguard].
Also, I was at sea, wanting structure. The class at least would give me some.
I applied for the job. A good challenge. Small chance of them hiring me?--perhaps. But this will give me CPR, First Aid recert (necessary for challenge course work) and another possible role should I apply for residential camp work.
I made some breakthrus in the managing of docs for job applications--google docs + my html/css awareness helped.
---
Also, I met two homeless guys. One in Girsh Park. I saw him across the grass. Debated self-consciously about offering some of the dinner I had finished cooking--and did (he was appreciative and accepted and said oh this looks good after I gave him some, at his suggestion, on a blue plastic plate I got from a nearby trash can, waiting till his hit subsided and I was about to leave--it was getting dark--to eat).
I listened to rambling, wandering, a bit disconnected, pot-high, but helpful, friendly discourse. He did say the university cops were ordered to cite anyone (non-student? I may ask at some point) found sleeping at night on UCSB land, and that they had bought up more and more of the open space. He let me know there's a good free lunch every weekday at St Mark's Church across from the Hillel (12-1230) [I've since been twice]. He said he's 72, but doesn't tell many that--with how healthy and energetic he is they won't believe him. Once you get to 65 and have less than $2000, Uncle Sam gives you $900/mo--so after years and years of little income he now has more than he knew what to do with--via a Bank of America ATM card. He got a very warm North Face down bag [he has a tent off somewhere and keeps it there and gets around by bike mostly, or bus, as in today--he had got a flat]. He can buy big Hershey's chocolate bars with nuts. He started going to movies. He's a graduate of UCSB from the 50's (?) not long after it had moved to IV from the previous location (where SB City College is now). He goes to many campus cultural events--concerts, art shows, movies. He attends campus receptions (great food--and a prime season, graduation, is coming up). He has a chair in the Barnes & Nobles in the mall nearby and loves to be there and read the new books--more and more books about finer and finer points of history are coming out--he mentioned one, I think, devoted entirely just to the last day of the US Civil War. And spoke a lot about a graphic novel-made-movie -- something like _The Watchmen_. . . with superheroes, one "Rorschach(?)," (ever-changing inkblot facemask) another, the main guy, in a suit of blue LEDs. He loves to go to movies with a Colt Magnum he drinks from a soda cup and converses with--the movie? That _Watchwhatever_ movie, he saw it on the last day it showed in the area. At the end he was alone in the theater. The blue LED guy (Captain ??) helped the US win in Vietnam, and Nixon got a 3rd term.
A problem for the outdoor dwellers may be lack of relation.
I feel it at least.
I was happy to talk with Art, but have avoided calling Jacob, a housed and girlfriended friend I met at my stint as a volunteer in the kitchen at Quail Springs during a permaculture course.
Art loves this country. No one else has been able to do what has been done here, especially right here (the Santa Barbara area?). The Romans may have had palaces, but we (he gestures around him) have this, which offers a bit more room. He used to rotate between Santa Cruz and Berkeley (on a nearly day-long sequence of city bus rides that cost him <$5), and has dwelt in the UK and other countries. I agree with parts of his assessment of where we both are. I'm happy to have found the place he's chosen after years elsewhere.
[Another Art-ism: there's no morality (law, morality, is generally constructed because it is useful), but there are consequences to everything, even to this conversation right now. Another: some people are born generous, some not. The selfish, the evasive, the criminal will stay that way. It's nature far far more than nurture--I used to discuss with my Swedish rock singer girlfriend (when I was in the UK) about that. You just need money to get in to the UK, after that, you can stay--my singer friend did that.]
---
Well, that lack of relation. I felt it in Art's great joy/drive in talking and in the other guy I met. . . It's mostly in me I guess (so I see it in them)?
Everyone else is running around and we are not?
We've been bought off? Even though the helpfulness of the others' running around is maybe doubtful, we are dependent (are we?) on their running yet have no part in it, except as scenery (perhaps we're in the way), or as people to help out on occasion, and the path we're on has no relevance to theirs?
Now attending the lifeguard class is way up there in oddness / art. I have my pack. I'm older [Bob, who runs a small Christian camp near Cold Springs Tavern is older]. People do treat me differently, some of them. [It has been hard (physical, chilly--an outdoor pool at night, sometimes too much time standing, wet, on the deck.) and fun, and there has been relation, connection (saw Nicole with whom I practiced strangles [the drowning person grabs you around the neck and won't let go] and escapes in the checkout line tonight. Megan is friendly. Max, a good guy. Amid too.), though maybe one is afraid to recognize my possibility (Or is that just me? Would non-recognition matter? What am I not recognizing? This b aimless thought? Breathe and smile. . .).
---
Why do these people rush back and forth between perfectly good dwellings? An office to sleep in-- and the students have a huge amount of open space where they could comfortably camp.
A car-bent historical marker marked the site of a camp of Juan Bautista (?) near a former Chumash village.
Now we have isolated, fearful (some of them) campers, hidden tents. . .
The rich relation once offered in the Chumash village. . . well, now only an approximation of it can be found by those who live in buildings and commute?
SB Info Shop has a zine library at the Isla Vista Coop. There is another opportunity for a village relation for outdoor dwellers? I just read a zine by minor cavegrrrl at excite.net on dropping out. Sbdiy.org
So I watched myself applying for that $9.50/hr lifeguard job (answering questions about why I was applying, what I have to contribute, what makes me the best for the job--maybe i'll paste my answers below later). I watched myself smile and ask Satish [a thin, young, Filipino(?) i guessed to be gay when I saw him, but that may be the style--similar to some HS-aged neo-breakdancers who came to the Kroc Center, or maybe to the Mexican emos] if he'd received my app (and watched myself wince at the memory of that) after he'd visited our class to solicit more apps.
And the thought has occurred: do I need money? What happens without it? [Might I try, as a kind of discipline, a year without working for money (knowing I have food stamps)?] "Folks (i don't trust) Call Me Bill" (he later told me his real name) said he'd lived without money for a while. It seemed he wasn't even getting food stamps. But he could pass for a well-to-do bicycle tourer.
What would I do with myself?
We may be finding out. I'm not yet ready to sell myself full-time to a residential camp. UCSB may not want to interview me given the oddness of my app (most recent job paid more in a half day than their job would pay in a 20-hr week--but that's only part of the oddness. In time, maybe, I could make it less odd.)
What would I do?
The lifeguard class will be over Thurs. That bit of structure will be gone. Maybe I'll read the raw food books at the coop and use food stamps to help me apply that.
I may be doing my 17 hrs volunteer work with the Backyard Harvest program of the SB Food Bank. I'll ride around and help pick fruit (incl. avocados), nuts and ?? from houses in the program. Maybe.
We'll see.
But just for example, today I structured the whole day, mostly, on needing to find a copy of the $35 _Lifeguarding_ book to study. Oddly, the book was not included in the class price. Oddly the Red Cross HQ at 2707 State St would not let me read the book there, though they will sell copies. A friendly lifeguard at Los Baños pool downtown let me sit in the lobby and study until it closed at ~215. Then I came over to Shoreline Park to cook, and now, to write this. Now I should soon head to catch the (1935) SBCC -> UCSB express bus. There's a fairly good camp spot over there (near UCSB) even if I want to sleep in or cook--and since class has gone till ~930 and the walk back to that spot is ~:45, I've not been keeping the guideline, "the homeless rise at dawn," or before dawn in my case, with an alarm at 0445.
You have life. (when you wake, and when you wake that early)
What do you do?
A breath and a smile.
---
Back when I was still reading a bit, not lifeguard-training or -applying, here's something I wrote:
---
Asunto: omg
2009-05-07-1900
The sun is setting.
Fire is burning.
Kitesailors sailing, swarming, flying, speeding, floating, hypnotic for hours, pivot on wave lip carving graceful
Cooking in the strong sun on the UCSB beach. Is there any other campus?
Now, and why I write, Knut Hamsun's "Isak and Inger." Beautiful. Earlier, too, I left off considering how to sell self. Many opportunities? No need?
"Will you be coming back maybe?" [-Isak]
--we can support ourselves. . . If we are allowed to.-- (Zapatistas or a people near them? Give me land, not food?) I'm in the UCSB library for the first time.
"Ho," says he.
"And what'd you say to a house with two rooms in?"
"Bring up a good-sized basket, or a box,"
"I'll just be wanting it,"
Oh my god and tears in eyes--life, language, awareness. . .
"What do you say, Isak?"
"Wedded?" "Why, yes, of course."
---
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Photos up!
 |
| 2009-04-12: twelve-day forest trip; SB discoveries (sbfoodnotlawns, kiosk, etc) |
 |
| 2009-04-22 6 days LPNF, return to SD, Loss of cable for charging! Loss of entertainment. |
 |
| 2009-04-25 San Diego, Garden, Court |
 |
| 2009-04-28 San Diego, Point Loma to Acorn and Seminole walk |
 |
| 2009-05-07 SD to Deer Park Monastery to Santa Barbara |
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
$;M'sday;introspection;>breath;adventure
2009-05-06-1027 To be plain about my motivation: the only cash-accumulating I do with little effort or effortful commitment is, potentially, that which occurs by me writing here. We are not supposed to discuss this phenomenon in certain ways.
So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.
I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.
And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)
I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.
Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--
Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--
What is life without entertainment?
What is life but entertainment?
2009-05-06-0937
Dear Mom:
Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).
The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.
I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--
I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,
---
I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.
It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.
I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.
I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--
I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.
My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.
Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.
I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--
Probably 1st the volunteer work.
Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.
That sounds like a good plan!
Is this the evolution of frugality?
Avoidance of any commitment?
It is a beautiful day here--
And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]
So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--
Love,
Colin
A breath and a smile
---------------end letter------------
Asunto: Introspection
2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.
Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?
And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.
Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.
A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.
A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.
---
A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--
Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--
I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.
For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.
Does life ask?
----------------end Introspection-------------
Asunto: more than breathe & smile
2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.
Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.
She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--
She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.
I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.
But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?
At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.
And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).
Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.
She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.
So Tina, Mirror--
And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."
And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:
Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML
---
It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?
I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.
Jen and
[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.
Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.
And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?
And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--
is dad ashamed of me?
am I rejected by dennis?
seen as worth less?"
and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.
---
So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?
A breath and a smile,]
-----------
Asunto: In search of adventure
There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--
About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--
But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.
So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.
Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.
---
Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.
At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.
And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.
how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?
(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)
and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .
---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:
"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."
development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?
sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."
and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.
To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).
the wind has returned.
This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--
1335
So, since I generated more text in writing to my mom for mother's day--I'm planning to type it in here.
I have yet to see a cent from doing this, but last I checked you have to make $100 before you can get anything.
And I have friends who, well one friend, Frank Cook (plantsandhealers.com or .org?) who just ask for donations when they need something (and when he is teaching). (He is an active teacher and many value what he shares.)
I don't have a clear vision of what I need though. So here's writing I've done recently.
Yes, my motivation to post here is not (only) $. If motive were $, then--(more effort required). and I've been posting to web sin lucro since 1995--
Perhaps if ads could be displayed by photos in picasa photo albums--
What is life without entertainment?
What is life but entertainment?
2009-05-06-0937
Dear Mom:
Happy Mother's Day! I'm in Tucker Grove County Park in Santa Barbara or Goleta. It looks like I will be walking over to Goleta Beach County Park to find out about doing volunteer work for these parks. I'm supposed to do about 17 hrs work for the ticket I got (or pay $164).
The past two days here it got very windy in the afternoon. This day seems more tame.
I have a tick bite that is rather tender--I'll have to watch it. I heard someone say their dog got Lyme Disease on the west coast--
I have many good books to read. I have two from a pile I found mouldering in the forest yesterday-- _The Nobel Prize Treasury_ from 1948 and _The Seven Deadly Sins of Science Fiction_. I'd like to do more than read books though,
---
I just looked up Lyme Disease. The Wikipedia article cost 91k. . . Long, detailed. It's probably not lyme disease that the tick gave me, based on what I read.
It sounds like lizards can get ticks! And all the lizards in CA may be a reason there's not so much lyme disease here.
I'm in a leash-free dog area. but this is a less-used park than some closer to the coast.
I got my food stamp 'benefits' yesterday--why I'm in this part of town--
I took the bus out to the county offices and decided to explore around there in the opposite direction I went from last time.
My tentative next step is to get an address and an 805 telephone #. But with me, nothing's for sure.
Without a strong plan, I'll probably follow the volunteer work suggestion of the park host here who's over by the restrooms and playground doing garden/landscape work. Earlier a court-ordered community service guy was with him.
I'm not sure what's next--If I weren't writing you, I might not be considering that--
Probably 1st the volunteer work.
Maybe avoid getting an address or changing phone # until the need for that becomes painfully clear.
That sounds like a good plan!
Is this the evolution of frugality?
Avoidance of any commitment?
It is a beautiful day here--
And when I stop attempting to plan or implement plan--I have a lot of time to enjoy reading, walking, cooking, exercising, exploring, resting-- [yet the plan gives me places to walk to, etc.]
So! This is a good Mother's Day letter I think--
Love,
Colin
A breath and a smile
---------------end letter------------
Asunto: Introspection
2009-05-06-0800 I reed, and it is a kind of escape. As a balance, as a practice, I'll make a point to write, somewhat without concern for interesting an audience.
Wanting a purpose, direction I was, not long after waking. Why don't I have one? I have learned to doubt any purpose I develop. An old story. Driven by great goals for years, the goals achieved are not nourishing?
And so many fret about not having purpose--so then: question the idea of needing purpose. Questioning purpose is a luxury allowed when necessaries of survival are abundant.
Concretely, the question of purpose arose this AM because: do I really want to get a Santa Barbara mailing address, say at a UPS store, and start applying for work? Or do I want to wander? Would I rather work on becoming a sailor as I was before--and so on. A use of the mind I'm tired of, that wondering, questioning.
A larger purpose would be nice, would help to organize life beyond maintenance of daily pleasures, would help to guide my interactions with others, would help me be a social being.
A change has been that I completed the food stamps app process yesterday, and now have $320 + $200 more every seventh day of the month after this one for food. So I have more time to not worry about income and less motivation to look in dumpsters.
---
A doubt that any long-worked-for goal will continue to be rewarding, motivating. A doubt of ability to maintain long-term enthusiasm for--
Watching life continues to be interesting. Acting, producing, serving--anything active--
I know a few on food stamps, and others who probably are--helps to explain a few mysteries of how some I know 'support themselves'.
For me, food stamps become a sort of reward for not living with relatives--they'd be more difficult to get were I living at an address with family.
Does life ask?
----------------end Introspection-------------
Asunto: more than breathe & smile
2009-05-04-1821 I'd like to more than breathe and smile.
Tina helped me remember another reason people choose to associate with a person or community: to develop health- and life-affirming practices.
She shared with me some "Gojis - Cacao Nibs - Cashews" by NavitasNaturals.com (Novato, CA). She asked if I'd like some food when I stopped close to where she was sitting at the Oceanside Transit Ctr, feeling drawn to talk with her--
She discussed experimenting with raw food diets after I mentioned a raw foodist I had met had given me a cacao bean when I asked that raw foodist what she did if she ever felt run down. I still carry that bean. Tina said: but no, you get more energy, and described how she had more awake conscious time when she ate raw foods than she knew what to do with, almost. Tina mentioned that many people do things, it seems, that (or in order to) run them down.
I thought, "more awake, conscious time--what would I do with that?" I had jogged down the hill from Counsel Springs in record time to make the 5:45- ~6:30 sitting at Deer Park Monastery on Sunday, only because I happened to wake up early and knew it could be my last chance (I had come down later -- ~0830 -- on the previous Thursday day of mindfulness). Sleeping often seems to me a pleasureful and interesting (from the dreams) use of time.
But might it be nice to want to make use of more awake time? Might that be to be more alive?
At any rate, I realize that if the path I'm exploring appears to others to be destructive of health--if I smile and my teeth look black around the gums (among other signs)--well, potential fellow walkers would be encouraged to go elsewhere.
And the diet of the the long-time raw foodists I have met seems very good and they often are thin but healthy-looking and even radiant or vibrant, at least when speaking with me (we often are energized when speaking with others about what we care about).
Tina also shared with me some of her experiments in life--relating, I think, to what she called "glimpses", glimpses of pure love, joy. I don't quite have her words--she said something concrete--perhaps describing the experience as tingling, vibrant, radiant, [bubbling? twinkling? effervescing?] but not in those words.
She mentioned going a day without speaking, a day+ without eating, and, what she detailed most and what most appealed to me, a day without sight.
So Tina, Mirror--
And just the day before, reading Sister Chan Khong(sp?)'s _Learning True Love_, I had written down the following: Thay/Thich Nhat Hanh had asked her why she wore an ill-fitting dress--which she wore as a sort of disguise to fit in in the slums-- and he recommended she dress to look good: "A person's beauty must be seen from the outside as well as from the inside[. . .] It will encourage those who might like to join you[. . .] One's mind, actions, and dress should all communicate one's quality of being."
And here's another note from the pad while I'm at it:
Friends of CML (Community of Mindful Living?): groups.yahoo.com/group/friendsofCML
---
It seems I don't have a lot more to add. On the train to Santa Barbara, I also met Jen--that was a positive, even joyful interaction. Leaving Tina was a bit less graceful. I got to saying, right out loud, that I wonder how to make the most of meetings such as this one. I do pass on a handmade business card (a page from my notepad with name, blog url). But can we be any more deliberate in meetings such as these to help build / evolve positive culture? And while I did not say this out loud, when in an encounter like this, when it seems that we each continue to have new things to say--how does one peacefully, mindfully, gracefully, meaningfully say good-bye?
I love the buddhist bow and the gatha "a lotus for you, a Buddha to be," with a clear meeting of the other's gaze. I got a bit of that in with Jen.
Jen and
[that's as far as I got--the sun set, the wind was high along the cliffs by Shoreline Park where earlier I'd cooked garbanzos, black-eyed peas, eggs, rice, greens, in my pot & stove on a picnic grill. 75'+ tall palm trees flagging--one lost a frond; a crow, wings in, attempting to dock with another of the trees in gusts to 30 knots.
Jen and I'd been talking partly about how to guide life, decide, plan--based in spirit. We were together long enough and different enough to be silent together, She reading a Philip Larkin (?) book on prayer, me looking at newspapers I'd pulled from a trash container before meeting Tina.
And this kind of writing has an element of showing off? Who I met? That these people will speak with me, have meaningful conversation?
And I note that the greatest pain in my mind comes from--here it is from the notepad: "The relational component of mind causes most anxiety and suffering--
is dad ashamed of me?
am I rejected by dennis?
seen as worth less?"
and a tip from Michael Kimmel's site, lifebeyondtherapy.com: we/I may use compulsive behaviors to temporarily decrease anxiety.
---
So. Time to send this off and enjoy this day and what's next?
A breath and a smile,]
-----------
Asunto: In search of adventure
There is one other theme stored up. Vernon (he is [in]famous for something but I resist giving his last name since I labeled his ~location in Brightkite) and I had hours to talk--
About things to do to be more inviting to others who'd want to walk, there were many insights. Adults, as do kids, benefit from structure--
But more to do with life, we got to talking about intoxication.
So much of what adults do that is called vice has to do it seems with an escape from mundanity, a sort of search for adventure within the realms where any fear that comes up is a joyful[?] fear.
Drugs--an adventure in perception, and also a perceptual cycle. Sex. Tina's non-vice experiments. My camping out. Ray Jardine's life.
---
Jan at Quail Springs (may have) defined spiritual growth / enlightenment as becoming more and more attuned so one needs to do less and less to make joy.
At the monastery, the absence of sex, intoxicants, and entertainments as I've gotten used to them: walking to new places, reading, and so on. . . The enormous weight (for me) of the routine there, the amount of sitting still--all that may be consistent with Jan's idea, and with what one nun there shared as the process of learning to appreciate broccoli or carrot rather than candy bar.
And some guy, a lit critic or book reviewer--"to entertain the passing while" that's my nonsense approximation, but something about 'enriching time as it passes' as being, possibly, the most we can ask of anyone, of any art. And Thomas Mann's description of music and literature as existing in time, as doing just that.
how much of what people believe needs to or should be done is a sort of drama, generated, sought, or accepted in order to occupy the mind?
(the thoughts of a person who feels strongly about, is commited to, believes in nothing?)
and here insert the usual disclaimer about how privileged I am--. The usual answer: if you're privileged and suffering, "give back" (shaktirising.org), help others. . .
---- past time to go. But to complete the dump here's some _Atlas Shrugged_ that made it into the notepad, and related thoughts:
"he held his head as if he faced a challenge and found joy in his capacity to meet it."
development: are you challenged in a meaningful way?
sex as perhaps the best way to express "being in love with the fact that one exists and in this kind of world."
and this brings to mind when Tom Brown Jr's _Grandfather_ recovers meaning facing death finding joy as his body rises to supernatural potential to survive.
To meaningful adventure and work-- let's not just 'pass the while', but be as Rand's heroine when with Rearden exploring implications of the new alloy--I did not write that part down, but she wishes every moment of her life to be as pregnant, potentiated, significant as those were (more likely, we want those moments in our cycle of experience).
the wind has returned.
This moment matters, in it we are creating the new culture--when all who wish to are free to. . . responsible for. . . obligated to--
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